To be a bit put off by age of my new partners ex?

[Chickenrun12]

Hi all.

So just looking for opinions really. I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing, loving man and everything is going great. He is almost 29, I am 35. We get along brilliantly and things are honestly great. However I found out his ex partner before me is only 20 and it's made me feel a bit uneasy. What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common? I have a 16 year old daughter which I think has added to my uneasiness - I cant imagine her bringing home a man nearing 30 in a few years time but perhaps I'm being unfair here.

Is this something that would bother you?

And I think this is the crux of it, it comes from fear and jealousy, that he won't want to be with a 35 year old mother, he'll find someone at a similar life stage regardless of age.

@Chickenrun12 What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common?

Sense when was commonality a basis for selecting a partner? Sounds like a boring selection criteria to me.

His experience of dating a 20-year-old might explain him now preferring to be with someone more mature.

I had a bf age 30 when I was 20. The relationship probably wasn’t appropriate in some ways but he was lovely to me. It ended because he proposed to me - I didn’t realise he felt that strongly and I wasn’t ready to get married.

I was mature for my age in some ways but clearly inexperienced romantically. He was respectful and patient and kind; we parted on good terms.

Yeah its not a good look for him at all

So on the same vein of your thinking, do you think people will be looking at him/you and your age gap with a bit of distaste?

I don't think they should, any more than I think you should about his previous relationship.

I regularly dated guys in their late twenties/early thirties at 20. Mostly because at the time I found most the men my age immature or partying constantly. Some were lovely, others were obviously after a piece of eye candy on their arm. One of my exs told me that woman lose their value at 25 (I was 24 at the time and he was 32). 🤮

I do know what you mean OP. I’m 28 and would feel put out if I was dating someone who had a considerably younger ex. In all honesty because I would be jealous of them being younger and I do have low self esteem. I would feel creepy dating a man in his young twenties at my age. Saying that is just personal preference though, my DM was 6 years older than DF and they had a very happy marriage.

Keep an eye out for any controlling/misogynistic behaviour. Come to think of it, the most controlling exs have always been older. The ones a few years older or similar in age were pleasant.

I have a 16yo daughter and I just can't imagine being with a 28yo. I know what I was like when I was 28 and before I had kids. It's not so much the age, just the life experiences you've had parenting a baby, child, teen. You must be in a completely different place emotionally and maturity-wise. I'm sure you're relationship must be based on fun and attraction currently, which is fine, but I'm not sure of the long term potential. Does he want kids? Do you want to start from scratch with babies in your late 30s? What are your goals for this relationship? Fun for a while until he wants kids?

Normally I would say that the context of how they met is important, but they didn't even have a 10 year gap, what's the big deal?

Are you feeling threatened by a younger woman?

How old was your boyfriend when you got pregnant with your 16 year old? Maybe you were immature, it doesn't mean all 20 year old are.

Weird problem.

oh please

I got married very late, and had my first child even later. I had more in common with 20 year old when I was 35 than with boring middle-age people - that I am now 😂

I think its fine, what may he bothering the OP is the man comparing their bodies - a 35 year old that has had a child to a 20 year old with no children.
I'd say at 28 he has more in common with the 20 year old.
I dated a man age 27 when I was 19.... I think I was probably more mature than him tbh. Lol.

Rubbish my husband is 12 years older than me, we met when I was 19, married when I was 23 and still married 36 years later!

Agree

Not everyone is jealous of younger women you know, some people genuinely just think age gaps when one person is a very young adult are creepy.

You could also argue what does a 29 year old see in a 35 year old woman! In a few years you’ll be worrying that he will be looking for a younger model! I think the real
isdue is you’re uncomfortable with him being younger than you!

Age can sometimes just be a number.
A man of 30 could be quite immature while a woman of 20 could be old for her years.

I was in a serious long term relationship at 21 with a man aged 34.
My life experience in terms of dating and relationships was more than his (I'd been engaged by 21.)

I think you're a bit silly looking back to his ex- how is it relevant to you now?

I reckon a 28 year old male would likely have more in common with a 20 year old female than a 35 year old with a teenager. I wonder if you think that too which is really your problem?

I don't understand your point.
What is the age of your daughter (16) got to do with this?

Not everyone has children young. Many women only have their first at 35 now.
OP is not late 30s. She's 35.
I have 2 friends who married at 35 for the first time. They each had 2 babies before 40. Happy and healthy.

If OP is 35 and he is almost 29, so what?

This. I think that’s a very reasonable age difference.

I wouldn’t mind that age gap but for the fact you have a 16 year old daughter (and his last partner was much younger than him),.. it would defo give me the ick I think. Although I don’t really know why.

Personally I’d rather be asking what a 28 year old man finds attractive about a 35 year old woman.

You don't know why because there is no real reason!

The real issue is the OP was a mum at 19.
That's the crux of it.

Many women now aren't having a first child till that age!

Ouch!
So you think 35 is old and there's a huge age gap?

28 to 20 = 8 year gap with ex
35 to 28 = 7 year gap with you

lol, same idea! Yabvu

Exactly this, tbh. I’m a lot more curious about what a 35 yr old woman with a 16 yr old kid has in common with a 28 yr old man who presumably has no kids rather than him and his ex. I think your insecurity stems from comparing yourself to his 20 yr old ex.

I also agree with another poster who says we need to stop infantilising 20 yr olds. A 20 yr old may lack some maturity but they are an adult.