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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit put off by age of my new partners ex?

149 replies

Chickenrun12 · 01/09/2025 00:47

Hi all.

So just looking for opinions really. I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing, loving man and everything is going great. He is almost 29, I am 35. We get along brilliantly and things are honestly great. However I found out his ex partner before me is only 20 and it's made me feel a bit uneasy. What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common? I have a 16 year old daughter which I think has added to my uneasiness - I cant imagine her bringing home a man nearing 30 in a few years time but perhaps I'm being unfair here.

Is this something that would bother you?

OP posts:
Wildfairy · 01/09/2025 04:19

Kurokurosuke · 01/09/2025 03:25

I suspect you are more put off by the age gap between you and her than the one between you and him...

This, nothing wrong with a 20 and 28 year old and I suspect you know it, I also think the issue is you’re thinking about her v you, not him.

Strawberrryfields · 01/09/2025 04:22

That would make me feel a bit weird too, I do think 20 is very young and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to date someone that much younger in my late 20s. I dated an older guy around that age and in hindsight find him a bit creepy for dating me. Were they together long?

NoThanksNeeded · 01/09/2025 10:38

GingerPower · 01/09/2025 01:33

So a 16yo and a 24yo would be fine then?

I think a 20yo is going to be much less mature than somebody in their mate 20s or mid 30s in most cases.

Show quote history

Is 16 an adult?

ishimbob · 01/09/2025 10:45

I think of age gaps as more about life stages.

If he doesn't have kids - then him and his ex both 20 somethings without kids = same life stage. I struggle more - though of course each to their own - to understand a 20 something without kids having much in common with a parent of a teenager

BoudiccaRuled · 01/09/2025 10:58

@Chickenrun12 you had a baby at 19, is that right? You seem to be suggesting 20 is very young and immature, yet YOU were a mother by then.

Elektra1 · 01/09/2025 11:03

When I was 21 I met the man who later became my husband - he was 34. We did get divorced a few years later but not because of the age gap. My best friend is married to someone 13 years older than her (though she was 26 when they got together). I don’t think it’s that weird for a 30 year old to date a 20 year old. Half his age plus 7 is 22. And that seems to be the generally accepted “rule”.

KarmenPQZ · 01/09/2025 11:08

I think life experience gap between a 16 year old and a 20 year old can be huge.

as others have said I think it depends how old the ex was when they got together but also most pertinent is her lifestyle ie was she living at home and dossing about. Or living in a house share and working and earning money. Also why did the relationship end.

x2boys · 01/09/2025 11:13

Chickenrun12 · 01/09/2025 00:47

Hi all.

So just looking for opinions really. I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing, loving man and everything is going great. He is almost 29, I am 35. We get along brilliantly and things are honestly great. However I found out his ex partner before me is only 20 and it's made me feel a bit uneasy. What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common? I have a 16 year old daughter which I think has added to my uneasiness - I cant imagine her bringing home a man nearing 30 in a few years time but perhaps I'm being unfair here.

Is this something that would bother you?

So it's OK for you to go out with a younger man but not forchim to go out with a younger woman?

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/09/2025 11:14

So their age gap was 8yrs and yours is 6+

really don’t see the difference tbh

x2boys · 01/09/2025 11:16

GingerPower · 01/09/2025 01:33

So a 16yo and a 24yo would be fine then?

I think a 20yo is going to be much less mature than somebody in their mate 20s or mid 30s in most cases.

Show quote history

There's a big difference between a,16 year old and a 20 year old ,just becsuse you think all 20 year olds are immature it doesn't mean they are.

FuzzyWolf · 01/09/2025 11:19

If it doesn’t bother you that there is seven years between you and him but it does that there is eight years between him and his ex? Surely it know that YABU.

Tiswa · 01/09/2025 11:20

GingerPower · 01/09/2025 01:33

So a 16yo and a 24yo would be fine then?

I think a 20yo is going to be much less mature than somebody in their mate 20s or mid 30s in most cases.

Show quote history

Well no because a 16 year old isn’t an adult!

if at 18 DS brought home a man older I would be wary of anything that could imply at power imbalance but it wouldn’t immediately put me off

My Aunt was 23 when my Uncle introduced her at 37 and the power imbalance has never been there indeed she is now 30 plus years later very much in charge - stuck with an aging grumpy man but that is her choice

and that is it isn’t it as long as nothing screams grooming/controlling (which it can) it is personal choice

Sera1989 · 01/09/2025 11:21

How long were they together? If she was under 18 when they met then I would find that weird. It would also make me question his maturity. Some young women are very mature, but they are usually in a different stage of life to people nearing 30

Mumofteenandtween · 01/09/2025 11:31

Depends very much on the 20 year. If she still lives at home, studies at the local university and her mum gives her a lift every day then I totally get your point.

However I would say:-

20 year old, working for years, lives away from home is not too different to a childfree 28 year old.

Whilst there is a big difference between a child free 28 year old and a 35 year old mother of a teenager.

cakeisallyouneed · 01/09/2025 11:34

I don’t think the issue is that he has dated a 20yo but there is a big difference between dating a 20yo and a 35yo with a teen. You are at very different stages of life, different priorities etc. what exactly is he looking for? It would definitely make me question whether he is looking for something serious.
Also I agree with the PP about the age of the 20yo when they started dating. If this was under 18 then this would be massive red flag, given the age of your dd.

SparklyGlitterballs · 01/09/2025 11:36

BoudiccaRuled · 01/09/2025 10:58

@Chickenrun12 you had a baby at 19, is that right? You seem to be suggesting 20 is very young and immature, yet YOU were a mother by then.

This was my thought. You also seem to be trying to make him older "almost 29", "nearing 30". Is that in order to make your own age gap seem smaller?

I too think this is more about insecurity on your part over the age gap between you and his ex.

LlynTegid · 01/09/2025 11:37

What it indicates to me is a possibility he is the kind of man who ends relationships once the woman gets older, so if you are thinking it could be the one to marry and have a family, be prepared to be a single mother at some point.

Miraclesforme · 01/09/2025 11:38

Yeah that would give me the ick. 20 is young to me.

Tillow4ever · 01/09/2025 11:41

Personally, I’d be worried that he was actually looking for access to your 16 year old daughter. It would be unusual for someone to go from a relationship with someone 8 years younger to one 7 years older. And depending how old he was when he was with the 20 year old, it’s highly possible his preference is actually older teenagers…. And yes getting to the age where people realise how gross he is, so he’s targeting older women with daughters the target age.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’d be extremely careful if I were you.

GlasgowGal2014 · 01/09/2025 11:43

How long were they together? If a 28 year old dated a 20 year old for six months, that is far less problematic than if they got together when she was 16 and he was 24 year old.

x2boys · 01/09/2025 11:55

Tillow4ever · 01/09/2025 11:41

Personally, I’d be worried that he was actually looking for access to your 16 year old daughter. It would be unusual for someone to go from a relationship with someone 8 years younger to one 7 years older. And depending how old he was when he was with the 20 year old, it’s highly possible his preference is actually older teenagers…. And yes getting to the age where people realise how gross he is, so he’s targeting older women with daughters the target age.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’d be extremely careful if I were you.

Your just making things up in your head.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/09/2025 12:00

I think it’s a red flag if people consistently only date much younger (id be suspicious of Andrew Tate type attitudes) but this clearly isn’t the case. Enjoy your toy boy! Hope he doesn’t fancy your daughter in a few years

x2boys · 01/09/2025 12:04

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/09/2025 12:00

I think it’s a red flag if people consistently only date much younger (id be suspicious of Andrew Tate type attitudes) but this clearly isn’t the case. Enjoy your toy boy! Hope he doesn’t fancy your daughter in a few years

He's not consistently only dating younger women is he?hes gone from dating someone, 8 years younger than ,to dating someone seven years older than him that's the very opposite of consistent.
Edited to say it read wrongly

x2boys · 01/09/2025 12:04

x2boys · 01/09/2025 12:04

He's not consistently only dating younger women is he?hes gone from dating someone, 8 years younger than ,to dating someone seven years older than him that's the very opposite of consistent.
Edited to say it read wrongly

Edited
Show quote history

Oops sorry read it wrong.

16plusDC · 01/09/2025 12:06

My ex was 10 years older than me when I was that age but it was never a problem in my eyes. It’s only now I’m in my 30s that I think it’s a bit gross.