To be a bit put off by age of my new partners ex?

[Chickenrun12]

Hi all.

So just looking for opinions really. I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing, loving man and everything is going great. He is almost 29, I am 35. We get along brilliantly and things are honestly great. However I found out his ex partner before me is only 20 and it's made me feel a bit uneasy. What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common? I have a 16 year old daughter which I think has added to my uneasiness - I cant imagine her bringing home a man nearing 30 in a few years time but perhaps I'm being unfair here.

Is this something that would bother you?

Difficult to tell from the post what sort of person he is, maybe he is just someone who keeps his options open or maybe he hasn’t a clue what he is looking for and just flitting around, wouldn’t know really without meeting him

Does he have a stable job and have ambitions in life?

Good point

I don’t think your issue is with his age or the age gap necessarily, it’s with the fact he’s typically been with women closer to your daughter in age than yours. And I completely get that. But if your DD is 16 then you were 19ish when you had her. I’m sure that made you grow up a lot faster than another 19 year old just heading off to uni.
Her being 20 doesn’t equate to being “too young” as it really depends on maturity than years lived. Do you know much about her/her circumstances?
BUT how long were they together? If it was a few months it’s barely an ex and more like a fling, but if he’d been with her a few years then yep. That’s creepy territory and I’d not want my daughter anywhere near him. Rightly or wrongly (he could be a perfectly decent chap!) but there are A LOT of predators out there and as a mother you can’t take the same chances a childless woman your age can.
If it’s giving you the ick as well then I’d say it’s too late. You can’t come back from the ick.

It would depend on how long they were together for me. Less than a year (making her an adult for the entire time they were together) would be fine. 5 years, no way.

I started dating a mid 40's a few years back and about 3 months in he dropped the clanger that his last "few" girlfriends had all been under 24. I certainly changed my opinion of him - there's a type of man who just wants arm candy and not conversations. I chased him, which was the only reason he went out with me. Needless to say it didn't last.

I don’t know, this is almost certainly unfair but I feel less weird about their age gap than I do about yours. 😬

You BF was a child (13) when you where and adult old enough to be pushing out your first kid... maybe your misplacing your discomfort at the fact your boyfriend and daughter have the same age gap as many siblings rather than anything to do with his dating history.

They where both adults, she was the same age as you when you had kids.

I agree. In previous generations people left school at 15 and straight into full time work. Many were married at 20/21, paying a mortgage and starting families. The apron strings were far shorter back then

It totally depends on the individuals involved, and nobody knows your DP on here. In my early 20s I dated someone 9 years older and it was no big deal. I worked, lived alone, very experienced cooking for myself - he was still living with his parents saving for a deposit for a house: we were as equal as any other 20-somethings.

Years later, someone I knew consistently had girlfriends that were young but also looked and acted much younger and it did give me the creeps! He only ever had one relationship with an older woman, and she had kids. I did wonder about him.

It can be very hard to tell our instincts from our fears. Did you pick up on something real or is it just a paranoid fear? Try to pay attention. We can’t tell you which one of these your partner is and it could be a potential safeguarding issue or it could be nothing more than your own insecurity. Spend some time with it.

16 is a school child. So of course it’s different

The internalised misogyny on this thread is unbelievable.

Her daughter is 16 too. It doesn't really matter what age you have your child, you go through so much to get them to 16! It puts you in a completely different level of emotional maturity.

As for the other point, I'm not saying OP is too old to have babies. Just, does she want to go through that again? And realistically she would be late 30s by the time she gives birth, unless they decide to start trying for a baby next week and she gets pregnant very quickly! (Unlikely).

You are worried he prefers younger flesh so are making it a him issue when it’s a you issue.

He's 28, 2 years younger than 30, 20% less. 🤨

I don't trust the saying "Age is just a number", especially when the people saying it don't understand numbers!

It's 7% by the way.

It's only on THIS issue (age gaps) people get all weird about it. Any other context and it's "they're a full grown adult at 20 they should be supporting themselves fully and never ask for any support in life ever!" Then they turn round and infantilise them if they're dating someone a mere few years older. It's so ridiculous-it's not like the bloke is 45!

but age IS a number - to a point.

Attraction between a 25 year old and a 40 year old make sense when they are both passionate about the same hobby and having the same lifestyle, and think and want the same,

when 2 x 25 year old when one is into partying, travelling, having the time of their life but the other one only wants to do a 9 to 5 boring job, and spend their evening in front of the tv - that would be a disaster

It's less about age than personality and lifestyle.

It really isn't just this issue, and have you ever stopped to think that maybe it's different people holding those views?

I think age gaps are creepy when one person is a young adult, and I also don't think young adults are 'full grown adults' in general. They're at an in-between stage and can be vulnerable due to their age. Just like elderly adults can be vulnerable due to age and people treat them as such.

Young people these days are also a lot more critical of age gap relationships.

@kkloo oh well at least you're consistent then! As long as you're fully supporting your kids up until their late 20s I think you can have a say in it.

My husband and I were similiar ages to your OH and ex. He was a bit uneasy about it at the beginning, I actually pushed him to chill out about the age difference and not think about the age but focus on just getting to know each other. 5 years later he proposed. We been together 16 years now and still going strong.

Think you need to chill out.

When I was 21 i went out with a 31 year old and a few years later we got married. Really wasn't an issue

No issue at all.

Mid 20s is fine 😅

I dated a 40yr old when I was 21. Didn't last long but can't see a problem with 20 and 28 x

I think id definitely be feeling insecure about it too, especially having a 16yr old daughter.

I know NAMALT etc, but a lot are, and I wouldn't be comfortable.