To be a bit put off by age of my new partners ex?

[Chickenrun12]

Hi all.

So just looking for opinions really. I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing, loving man and everything is going great. He is almost 29, I am 35. We get along brilliantly and things are honestly great. However I found out his ex partner before me is only 20 and it's made me feel a bit uneasy. What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common? I have a 16 year old daughter which I think has added to my uneasiness - I cant imagine her bringing home a man nearing 30 in a few years time but perhaps I'm being unfair here.

Is this something that would bother you?

I*

Trust your gut, always x

Even though he is 7 years younger than she is?.
Some twenty year olds are very mature. Some less so but they are adults. And 28 is still young.
I would worry if he was 50 and had a relationship with a twenty year old. But he is still in his 20s himself , it's not like he is old enough to be his daughter

is the issue the age gap or is it that you are worried he is going to be comparing you (a 35 year old mum) to his ex who was 20.

This would make me uneasy too.

The age gap is not at all the same as between you and him, as its importance diminishes as you get older.

I think the rule "age/2+7 = minimum age of partner" works brilliantly and shows where your problem is. When he was 28, he shouldn't have been dating anyone younger than 21. At 35, you can date 24,5 before it gets creepy.

It's not a red flag but on orange one for sure.

Sorey but you are being weird. Especially with your own age gap with him.
The reason is becuase you are 35, 20 seems very young. I imagine she would also be shocked to hear her ex is now dating a 35 year old.

That doesn't make any sense at all given OP is 7 years older than he is and already a single mother!

What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common?

Can you really not imagine anything? Music taste, politics, sports interests? When I was 20 I met plenty of friends who were a lot older than me through shared interests. It's quite strange to think you can only have mutual hobbies and passions with your immediate peer group.

28 and 20 is also not a significant age gap no matter how much you massage 28 to be "almost 29" and then "almost 30" (in which case she is "almost 22").

I also think that it might be creepy if he consistently dated women who were much younger than him (not that this is even a case of that) but as he's dated both 8 years younger and 7 years older, age is clearly not a hugely important factor for him.

So the age difference is only two years more than yours with him?
I think that anyone in their 20s can legit date anyone else in their 20s. And if your under about 26 then 18 plus is totally normal.

It's not like she was 16? Honestly I wouldn't bother thinking about it. It's not like he can change who he dated in the past anyway so it's not fair to judge him on it.

you can end the relationship for any reason or none.

Yes that would turn me off a man massively. What age was she when they got together?

This!
You are a 35 year old with an 'almost' adult daughter which is unusual too.

Unless you have other red flags I wouldn't that aspect affect your relationship.

I dont see the issue and I say that as a mother with a daughter the same age.

What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common?

I think it's weird to imagine that they couldn't have anything in common. She's an adult in her early 20s, he's an adult in his late 20s. I don't see any problem here at all. I had two relationships with similar age gaps around that age - I had a lot in common with both men and our ages barely even came up in conversation. We shared interests and opinions, same frame of reference, liked doing the same things.

These are two people of the same generation. It's really not weird.

Are 20 year old adults the same as 30 year old adults?

Hardly.

So did I, apologies.

No, I am stating what would concern me and be something to watch for - you hear a lot about men using single mothers to get access to their children, so in ANY new relationship you should also be cautious. Without knowing if the ex was a very short term relationship, or one that lasted 2-4 years, it’s harder to know if that’s a red flag to watch for.

At the end of the day though, the op doesn’t owe this man a relationship - and she can end it for any reason she likes, whether reasonable or not.

If she's 20 now, what age was she when they were together?

I don’t think the age gap is an issue. However I wouldn’t date a guy if his ex was 4 years older than my daughter. That would be my issue.

He isn't 30! Why do people keep saying he's 30?
He's 28, 2 years younger than 30, 20% less. Which is significant.
It's the OP feeling shocked that she's 15 years older than a 20 year old. So not at all anything to do with the 28 year old man, just good old low self esteem when feeling in competition with youth and if I was him I'd be running for the hills.

It's horses for courses isn't it.
At 28 I was still out every weekend , travelling all the time, gigs, festivals etc by 35 I was married with a child and a management role 20 year old me had more in common with 28 year old me than 28 year old me had in common with 35 year old me. People don't all live the same stages of life at the same age. One 20 year old is different to another.

I do understand as when I met my partner he was 36 and his previous gf was 21 so he was 33 and she was 18 when they met.

Thankfully he hasn't turned out to have red flags or be dodgy!

This has been done recently and you’ve even more unreasonable than the last one since there’s an almost equally sizeable age gap between YOU and him.

You were also, presumably, a mother at this woman’s age. What do you as a 35 year old woman who has been a mother since her late teens have in common with a footloose and fancy free bloke of 28? On the face of it, I think they’d have more in common than you and him.

My hubby is 10 years older then me, we've been together nearly 30 years, when your an adult age is just a number!