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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go no contact with racist MIL

149 replies

MoMuM7 · 31/08/2025 19:26

I'm not white English. Legally moved to the UK for uni, stayed for a job then met DC and started family. Got on reasonably well with inlaws although we have little in common. FIL, a lovely man, passed away last year and MIL seems to have changed overnight. Watches GB news religiously, votes Reform and attend questionable rallies. I was surprised but her life, her opinions. Since January she's been forwarding me emails anti immigrant from very right wing influencers. Again, i was taken aback but, she's entitled to her opinions. DH was getting concerned because half of what she sends is AI generated or obviously fake news so he had a word.

She explained that her views are about the wrong kind of immigrant and not me... She sends the emails still but since she lives across the country and we see her 2/3 times a year I ignored.

She's been visiting this week and today she came to the park with me and DC. She saw a Muslim woman with a headwrap walking past and loudly said : "Your lot are not the peace kind, are you? Have you been watching the news? Your days in this country are numbered."

That woman is my local GP, born and bred in the UK.

The DC heard everything. I was so stunned i grab the DC and practically ran home. When I told DC he was shocked but says she's harmless, just another boomer radicalised by the internet. I dont agree. I still dont know how to explain what she said to my small DC.

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · 31/08/2025 19:28

She isn't harmless, it's one thing to think it and another to say it out loud to someone in public.

Robin67 · 31/08/2025 19:29

No way would I expose my kids to this.

I am married to a man whose parents watch GB news and will likely vote reform

But the street shouting and rally attendances is another level, and can't be ignored. Especially if your children are not white

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2025 19:30

No, no, no, she does not get to say shit like that out loud! Holy crap, I’d have DIED of embarrassment! Did you tackle her at the time? I absolutely would have to. Your DH cannot ignore this. Is she possibly being radicalised? Or early dementia (sorry, had to get that one in!) To be forthright about her opinions, possibly overheard by those she’s targeting, is outrageous.

She needs to stop forwarding you racist emails: I’d be appalled to receive these. I don’t want that kind of shit on my devices. Get her to stop that immediately-really, your DH should tell her this.

doubleshotcappuccino · 31/08/2025 19:31

Oh my gosh - I would go no contact - that’s awful - she abused a woman

YetanotherNC25 · 31/08/2025 19:32

That’s horrific! I bet you were mortified to be in public with her. I’d go low or NC. Definitely wouldn’t want my DC’s to be exposed to those views. If she keeps going she’ll be arrested for doing that. And I’m guessing she’ll still think it’s not her fault. She sounds awful.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/08/2025 19:33

OMG what did your GP say/do? Not only is your MIL a racist bigot, she is unbelievably rude. She absolutely is not harmless and your DH is wrong to play it down. I would refuse to have anything to do with her ever again. No visits, no calls, nothing.

khaa2091 · 31/08/2025 19:33

Just before you go NC, how are other things? I would be a little bit worried about dementia / frontal lobe disinhibition if this is new behaviour and she may need your other half more than ever…

Hatty65 · 31/08/2025 19:34

I'd have asked her to leave immediately I got home and told her that I found her views outdated, offensive and I wanted nothing more to do with her.

Having said that I've never met someone 'racist' of this age who didn't already hold those views. My 80 something parents who were always pretty left wing in their views are still not racist, not bigoted, and perfectly intelligent. They haven't been 'radicalised' by the Internet. I don't recognise the Mumsnet view of 'Boomers' and actually find it pretty odd and offensive. This is the generation who were in their 20s during the 1960s, which were famed for their tolerance, flower power, hippy peace ideas. Not sure why so many people now claim that all old people are right wing, racist bigots who hate foreigners.

They are only like that if they always were like that.

Twiglets1 · 31/08/2025 19:35

She isn't being reasonable, she is a raging racist! I would be telling my husband not to try to sweep it under the carpet, he needs to talk to her about it and explain that it's not acceptable to talk to/about people that way.

dagoo · 31/08/2025 19:36

There is no way I would expose myself or my children to these views, and I would be absolutely clear to my DH on this.

You have my sympathies here, my in-laws died ten years or so ago but they would definitely be drinking the GB news KOOL aid if they were still alive.

dagoo · 31/08/2025 19:37

Hatty65 · 31/08/2025 19:34

I'd have asked her to leave immediately I got home and told her that I found her views outdated, offensive and I wanted nothing more to do with her.

Having said that I've never met someone 'racist' of this age who didn't already hold those views. My 80 something parents who were always pretty left wing in their views are still not racist, not bigoted, and perfectly intelligent. They haven't been 'radicalised' by the Internet. I don't recognise the Mumsnet view of 'Boomers' and actually find it pretty odd and offensive. This is the generation who were in their 20s during the 1960s, which were famed for their tolerance, flower power, hippy peace ideas. Not sure why so many people now claim that all old people are right wing, racist bigots who hate foreigners.

They are only like that if they always were like that.

I agree with this. Those who were already racist have been completely emboldened

citygirl77 · 31/08/2025 19:40

Sounds like she is a fruit loop. I would avoid seeing her, she is not kind is she? You don’t need this do you?

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 31/08/2025 19:42

The GP walked away before I could say anything but I'll send a card/flowers/chocolate to the office first thing in the morning apologising. I was so embarassed and shocked that I couldnt say anyhting to MIL. I'm so so angry but heartbroken for my DC as well. For their first experience of racism to be from their grandmother 😭 DH seems to think she's fallen in with the wrong crowd since her husband died but this is outrageous behaviour! If we go NC she has no other family.

OP posts:
Bathingforest · 31/08/2025 19:44

Unfortunately this is going on but Farage is a horrible griffter. I'm European, Christian and relatively white lol, on the olive side but he ignites hatred. I think if people believe him just because he opens his mouth when there is new boat or rape, but!!! - has never provided credentials whose God authorised him to behave Iike he's got the keys to change, blimey...your nation will be doomed. He's weirdo, without any credentials

Overthewaytwice · 31/08/2025 19:46

That's awful. I think that you need to contact your GP and let her know you will support her if she wants to file a police report against your MIL. Nobody should have to put up with being abused in the street because of their ethnicity or religion.

Bathingforest · 31/08/2025 19:46

Farage won't stop the boats, only will mess up all things from bad to very very worse

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 31/08/2025 19:51

khaa2091 · 31/08/2025 19:33

Just before you go NC, how are other things? I would be a little bit worried about dementia / frontal lobe disinhibition if this is new behaviour and she may need your other half more than ever…

She seems perfectly healthy to me. We've been chalking her odd behaviour to grief but honestly a diagnosis would be a easier to accept than if she were just and awful human being. Makes me sound horrible, I know.

OP posts:
PennySweeet · 31/08/2025 20:01

She's a horrible, nasty racist and your husband is no different.

The pair of them should be ashamed of themselves.

You do realise there's every chance your kids will grow up with their influence, don't you?

JHound · 31/08/2025 20:03

I would have cut her off ages ago.

Also just to be clear she likely also hates the group you are part of. Exposing mixed heritage children to racist family members is abusive imo.

At a minimum tell her to stop emailing you nonsense.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/08/2025 20:03

MoMuM7 · 31/08/2025 19:42

The GP walked away before I could say anything but I'll send a card/flowers/chocolate to the office first thing in the morning apologising. I was so embarassed and shocked that I couldnt say anyhting to MIL. I'm so so angry but heartbroken for my DC as well. For their first experience of racism to be from their grandmother 😭 DH seems to think she's fallen in with the wrong crowd since her husband died but this is outrageous behaviour! If we go NC she has no other family.

She's made her bed, she can lie on it. Someone who is not only a racist bigot but a racist bigot who shouts racist and islamaphobic slurs at innocent strangers in the street deserves to be completely shunned by all decent people. If she has no other family, she should have tried harder not to completely alienate the family that she has got. Fuck her.

JHound · 31/08/2025 20:06

Hatty65 · 31/08/2025 19:34

I'd have asked her to leave immediately I got home and told her that I found her views outdated, offensive and I wanted nothing more to do with her.

Having said that I've never met someone 'racist' of this age who didn't already hold those views. My 80 something parents who were always pretty left wing in their views are still not racist, not bigoted, and perfectly intelligent. They haven't been 'radicalised' by the Internet. I don't recognise the Mumsnet view of 'Boomers' and actually find it pretty odd and offensive. This is the generation who were in their 20s during the 1960s, which were famed for their tolerance, flower power, hippy peace ideas. Not sure why so many people now claim that all old people are right wing, racist bigots who hate foreigners.

They are only like that if they always were like that.

My experience too. Racist old people tend to have been racist young people.

Oneearringlost · 31/08/2025 20:06

You say you were 'surprised'...she 'changed overnight'...your FIL was a 'lovely man'.. you got on 'reasonably well' with her, albeit without much in common....she was widowed last year, all this makes me agree with @khaa2091 and question whether this may not be some nasty, entrenched ideology but personality changes due to being widowed/ onset of dementia...the disinhibition, especially, with the public, humiliating behaviour would make me stop first and think.
Deeply horrible behaviour to have to witness, though...whatever the cause. I'm sorry you're having to put up with it.

CinderBlockandCustard · 31/08/2025 20:11

DH can still see his mother, but shouldn't expose you or your children to it until she can at least accept that she is wrong to express views like that in public. It's your choice if you believe in her remorse and gradually spend more time with her again, and your DH should respect that.

Sassybooklover · 31/08/2025 20:13

We are all entitled to our own views. However, there is a very big difference in privately thinking something and verbally abusing someone in the street. That's when boundaries have been overstepped. Your MIL isn't harmless at all. She's shown that by shouting abuse to a person, in the street. Your husband should be very concerned by his Mum's behaviour. I'm not surprised you were mortified, especially as you knew the person is a local GP who was born in the UK. Did you tell your MIL this? Your husband needs a serious conversation with his Mum. If your MIL was a young person at school, and started sending material and spouting racist views, the school would refer her to Prevent! Prevent is an organisation that steps in, to help stop youngsters from being radicalised.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 31/08/2025 20:16

@MoMuM7 Her views are abhorrent and I certainly would be low or no contact with her and would not allow my children to be in earshot of such views .
Btw i am a " boomer " and would also appreciate if your DH didn't group us all together as racists .