To go no contact with racist MIL

[MoMuM7]

I'm not white English. Legally moved to the UK for uni, stayed for a job then met DC and started family. Got on reasonably well with inlaws although we have little in common. FIL, a lovely man, passed away last year and MIL seems to have changed overnight. Watches GB news religiously, votes Reform and attend questionable rallies. I was surprised but her life, her opinions. Since January she's been forwarding me emails anti immigrant from very right wing influencers. Again, i was taken aback but, she's entitled to her opinions. DH was getting concerned because half of what she sends is AI generated or obviously fake news so he had a word.

She explained that her views are about the wrong kind of immigrant and not me... She sends the emails still but since she lives across the country and we see her 2/3 times a year I ignored.

She's been visiting this week and today she came to the park with me and DC. She saw a Muslim woman with a headwrap walking past and loudly said : "Your lot are not the peace kind, are you? Have you been watching the news? Your days in this country are numbered."

That woman is my local GP, born and bred in the UK.

The DC heard everything. I was so stunned i grab the DC and practically ran home. When I told DC he was shocked but says she's harmless, just another boomer radicalised by the internet. I dont agree. I still dont know how to explain what she said to my small DC.

Crikey, this is really hard OP! On the one hand, you don't want your recently bereaved elderly relative to end up alone, on the other she's being truly fucking awful and seems to be escalating. I think I would have to give some latitude due to her current circumstances but give her a final warning- no more emails, and her visits are contingent on keeping her racist views to herself.

Do you shout abuse at random strangers who do not look like 'native' Brits? If so they yes, you are a racist.

I wouldn't allow someone who holds those views around my children. Let DH see her when he wants to but you don't have to. Block her email too so she can't send you shite!

That’s fucking awful, she can fuck off !

Iwould go no contact and she would not be seeing grandchildren. If you dh wants to maintain contact that’s up to him but he goes to her

She's not apologetic at all. She stands by what she says. When I pointed out that what she did is illegal she said the government is stifling her right to free speech. She denies she's racist because, well, I'm part of her family.
Hardly comforting.
DH is now terrified of what might have if she's reported. I'll go to the GP's tomorrow and ask to speak with her. Maybe she might want to speak to the police. I can't believe this is my family life.

I think there would be a conversation led by your DP about how her views are unacceptable, insulting to you and your family and will not be tolerated around your family, so her choice is to keep her opinion to herself and have contact with you all or keep her views and not see you if they’re more important. My fil shares similar views but if he’d expressed them in front of the children/ been racist in public there would be a conversation. Don’t cut her off without one but be clear it’s one chance only

What she did was unforgivable. Racially abusing someone in the street! When did that become acceptable behaviour in this country? I would not be able to bring myself to speak to her again, and my children would not be around her. Your DH needs to stop minimising the issue. It's vile hate filled racist behaviour.

As is your husband, making excuses for her.

"says she's harmless, just another boomer radicalised by the internet."

He really doesn't give a shit about the poor woman she racially abused, does he?

Harmless my arse.

That's awful @ Sometimeswinning!
How did you explain that behaviour to your DC without making them feel unloved by their grandparents? I

@PennySweeet I'm FURIOUS with Dh like you wouldn't believe. He's doing everything he can to to paint his mother as a vulnerable, clueless old woman. She's acting out of character but even if she is developing dementia and/or grieving, she DID commit a crime. Not a word about how the GP might be feeling.

Your MIL is a disgrace and I hope she does get her collar felt by the local police.
I also find your “just another boomer” line rude, ageist, reductionist and unnecessary.

That’s absolutely disgusting. Boomer or whatever saw a recent 60 year old getting arrested with her husband for abuse on an nhs nurse of Asian heritage.

She should not be allowed near your kids. Her behaviour is unacceptable. And your DH needs to step up.

explain to her the problem and that she has only 1 chance left. If she does something like this again then she is loses access to the grandkids. You have to protect them.

That's not harmless. I wouldn't want someone like that around my DC.
It's really worrying how many people are being radicalised.

Please don't put any pressure on the GP to not report her

Can I just say as "just another Boomer" that ageist attitudes are as disgusting as racist ones.

I have no intention of doing that at all! I want to apologise in person for what happened. How she chooses to process the incident is entirely up to her.

Your GP will know that your MIL’s words have nothing to do with you. No need to go round with cards and chocolates.

If this is out of character then I would definitely look at if she has dementia.

What does that have to do with OP’s MIL racially abusing an innocent muslim woman walking through the park?

(and to be clear having a Japanese fiance does not stop you being racist.)

LOL!!

She denies she's racist because, well, I'm part of her family.
Hardly comforting.

As if she had any say in that!

she shold be arrested shes disgusting she hasnt been radicilased shes a bloody racist

dont tell your doctor not to do anything she has every right

your husband isnt any better

i just read that fucking disgunting hope they get put away

That’s a disgusting thing to say. The poor GP. This is abuse and actually the victim has every right to report her to the police.

Let me explain as a Muslim brown woman who wears a headscarf how it feels to be racially assaulted. Every where you go you have a niggle at the back of your mind that something might happen. Any time in an interaction someone is rude you worry it’s because of their race. You have to try and be extra nice to every one just in case. And if you do get abuse shouted in the street at you - you have a very real fear you will be attacked. Or your kids will be. This isn’t just at night but at all times of the day, when driving, when in the shops.

Mostly you suppress this fear but it comes out at times like this. The way myself and my immediate family have been racially abused:

• drivers shouting vile racist stuff at us in traffic or from cars
• having a car accelerate at me and the driver laugh
• stones being thrown at me and my sister when we were teenagers
• someone handed me a folded leaflet in which they spat in
• Someone sets my mum’s headscarf on fire on the bus (luckily just a few flickering flames from a lighter)

it’s absolutely disgusting and your MIL deserves consequences. You do not want your kids to be exposed to that. I hope the lady reports her.

Most of what you describe is horrible and disgusting. But the bus incident is absolutely terrifying. Were the perpetrators caught?