To go no contact with racist MIL

[MoMuM7]

I'm not white English. Legally moved to the UK for uni, stayed for a job then met DC and started family. Got on reasonably well with inlaws although we have little in common. FIL, a lovely man, passed away last year and MIL seems to have changed overnight. Watches GB news religiously, votes Reform and attend questionable rallies. I was surprised but her life, her opinions. Since January she's been forwarding me emails anti immigrant from very right wing influencers. Again, i was taken aback but, she's entitled to her opinions. DH was getting concerned because half of what she sends is AI generated or obviously fake news so he had a word.

She explained that her views are about the wrong kind of immigrant and not me... She sends the emails still but since she lives across the country and we see her 2/3 times a year I ignored.

She's been visiting this week and today she came to the park with me and DC. She saw a Muslim woman with a headwrap walking past and loudly said : "Your lot are not the peace kind, are you? Have you been watching the news? Your days in this country are numbered."

That woman is my local GP, born and bred in the UK.

The DC heard everything. I was so stunned i grab the DC and practically ran home. When I told DC he was shocked but says she's harmless, just another boomer radicalised by the internet. I dont agree. I still dont know how to explain what she said to my small DC.

But this is more than OP's MIL spouting racism in their home. She has abused a complete stranger in the street. What she did is classed as a hate crime. This has passed the threshhold of a vulnerable older person using outdated terms that would now be considered racist. She racially abused OP's GP and has doubled down and is not apologetic or remorseful at all.

You can't go no contact with every person you disagree with, and whose opinions offend you.

This is exactly how US ended up with Trump - because sane liberal people ignored the people on the far right, and pretended that by imagining they do not exist they would somehow disappear.
And this is exactly why we just might end up with our own version of Trump - Reform - on the next election cycle.

You seem to be on a high horse here - demanding that your H cuts contact with his mother - which it does not seem like he wants to do, not over her views anyway. And - especially - not considering that his mother is on her own now.

Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage on that hill?
You don't need to read MIL's emails and interact with her much when she is around. You can also very clearly state you disagree with her views if she expresses them in front of you - which would be an adult thing to do.

Which is what I used to do around my PILs, when sensitive subjects came up. My kids are now teens and have a good grasp of generational and cultural differences. And the fact that people can hold all kinds of opinions.

What an absolutely awful thing to say to someone, regardless of the fact she's a GP and yes she broke the law. To do it in front of her grand kids is heartbreaking. I am severely disabled in a wheelchair and I have had my share of really nasty people doing and saying things. It really hurts and it's not just "free speech". You being "part of her family" doesn't excuse her actions and I would argue that sending you the emails, is abusive towards you too.

I would be having a serious discussion with her and your husband explaining exactly how you feel and what is totally unacceptable behaviour. Give her a chance to understand how it's affecting you and that you won't except any more incidents in front of the kids.

There is nothing wrong with reform and GB news IMO - BUT the horrible racist remarks to the Muslim in the street is an outrage, you need to tell her how this crazy and horrible behaviour is unacceptable in this day and age.

I have only read your responses but I would have no qualms about going NC and would die on that hill. Children hear everything and you have to protect yours (and yourself from going crazy).

My FIL used to make 'funny' jokes and just drop people's skin colour into random conversations like that generation does for whatever reason. I would call him out on it from the start of my marriage, but once I had a child I was 100% done. He did it ONCE in front of my daughter and I was very, very clear that I would not be bringing her to visit if he said anything like that again. And he stopped as he knew I meant it.

I think step 1 is to get your husband to understand the impact of this though. I don't know how as it seems entirely obvious to me that hate crime is bad, but if he needs that explained perhaps telling him that this is literally a crime would help.

Of course you should go no contact. I'd have blocked the emails long ago. Your DH can do as he pleases, but you are under no obligation to listen to such bile.
If you and your DC are not white though, I'd fully expect your DH to call her out on it every time though. He's complicit if he ignores it. Being old is not an excuse.

I think you need to offer your GP some sort of explanation as well as a profuse apology. Could you say that you suspect dementia in mil, as you have not had this sort of behaviour from her before?

My parents are 78 now and the absolute opposite of racist or homophobic (although they voted Tory). Now that they’re old and poor I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if they blamed “immigration” for their problems (instead of poor choices and alcoholism - we’re nc)

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to go NC, BUT I do think you were unreasonable not to immediately go up to that poor GP and make clear that you were disgusted by what had just happened. Flowers and chocolates won’t make up for your silence at the time and I think you need to be prepared for the victim to hold that view too. “Shock” isn’t an excuse for doing nothing at the time. Your husband also needs to give his head a wobble, his mother is behaving appallingly.

I'm not convinced that being either an alcoholic or old suddenly means you become racist and homophobic if you previously held views that were the opposite of this.

This just feels like another post along the lines of 'all older people are anti immigration'. It's ageist.

You literally can go no contact with every racist / every racist that verbally assaults women in public.

Choosing to go no contact with abusive racists is not “why Trump got elected”. GTFOH with that nonsense.

Thank you all for your replies. This has been a sobering experience to say the least. As a 'model' immigrant I havent encountered any racism I realise now that i've been very fortunate. Part of what makes this even worse is that MIL thinks she can say whatever she wants then point to me and her grand children as proof that she's not racist. We've never discussed race before as a family and although i dont want to be their educator, I cant brush aside their ignorance either. I sat down with MIL and calmly explained that although she is entitled to her political opinions, she wont be airing the hateful rhetorix around me or my DC. If she wants to visit, we'll have neutral talking points, i wont be leaving DC with her alone, no more emails and if i hear/read anything remotely racist, I'll go NC. Her son can see her whenever he likes. DH is upset by the whole thing, he apologised to me finally but still thinks she's been radicalised. He'll have to figure out how to help her on his own. I'm out.

Having an opinion is fine.

Shouting racial abuse at strangers in the street in front of your non-caucasian grandchildren is completely different.

Absolutely not! Not possible! The poster has a Japanese partner and works in a multicultural environment 🤷🏾‍♀️.

That’s your choice but be aware there’s a massive difference here.

I am assuming your grandkids are the same race as their racist relative and you’re all white?

In this case it sounds like the racist MIL is white which is a different race to OP and her mixed race kids.

So these racist views affect ops children in a more direct way and can cause identity problems and feelings of self hatred. Sadly I have seen this with many mixed race children who had racist family.

I wonder if the FIL was a raging misogynist who shouted sexually aggressive threats at random women or regurgitated hate filled rhetoric against women - would you been ok to just “discuss” with the children and then carry on as normal?

Just read your last update, OP. This seems a sensible and proportionate response and a good way to move forward in terms of not having the kids unsupervised around her.

Definitely leave it to your husband to deal with his “radicalised mum”.

Oops didn’t mean to quote the whole post 😆

😂

… why do you guys keep encouraging ethnic minority’s to be in community with racists? If you and your DD are fine hanging out with a racist that’s great as it’s not any harm
to you. It’s just the abstract “other”

but expecting someone to continually put themselves around someone who hates them and their family and thinks they’re scum is madness. Do you guys expect gay people to be in community with homophobes who keep telling them that they and everyone like them are abominations?

or is just brown and black folks who are expected to hand hold hateful twats?

I think it’s really generous of you to give her a last chance. I hope you can find a way forward - I’d really struggle with this.

Will your husband be spending time with her and your child without you? If he doesn’t agree with you this could get difficult quickly so I really encourage you to find a way to be a united front.

Well done! You are being really reasonable and I hope she appreciates your willingness to give her another chance. However, I'd be prepared for her to grudgingly agree to your terms for continuing contact, but will probably be unable to keep her racist opinions to herself. I really hope that she can change her ways but be prepared to be disappointed.

Well done OP. You've made your point very clear and hopefully this will be a wake up call for her. Sadly unlikely mind you.
You've handled this really well all round

That’s a really good response, OP.

Maybe your MIL has been radicalised, maybe she has dementia. Neither of those are your problem to solve, nor should you or your children be expected to be in the firing line while (if) they are resolved.

You tackle every single time, however boring, infuriating, depressing , inappropriate.

My own mother, while left to herself is no racist (before she retired, she worked in a department store cafe with a diverse immigrant workforce, and went to Eid dinners and a couple of citizenship ceremonies of colleagues, but she has an ingrained automatic belief for anything she hears a male radio presenter say, so when the local shockjock started hosting discussions about Nigerian taxi drivers etc, she just swallowed it whole. I take her up on it every time, as do my siblings.

She's been visiting this week and today she came to the park with me and DC. She saw a Muslim woman with a headwrap walking past and loudly said : "Your lot are not the peace kind, are you? Have you been watching the news? Your days in this country are numbered

What happened to her stance that she only targets the ‘wrong kind of immigrants’?

The truth is a lot of these people masquerade as anti-illegal immigration but really they just hate anyone that’s different because they’re racists.

And now you’ll have people jumping up and down to say Islam isn’t a race so she wasn’t racist.

But she has experienced racist behaviour from her. The OP shouldn't be making excuses for her. That's potentially also putting pressure on the GP not to report it, if that was something she planned on doing

People roll out the dementia card too quickly at times. Sometimes elderly people are just nasty and unpleasant