To go no contact with racist MIL

[MoMuM7]

I'm not white English. Legally moved to the UK for uni, stayed for a job then met DC and started family. Got on reasonably well with inlaws although we have little in common. FIL, a lovely man, passed away last year and MIL seems to have changed overnight. Watches GB news religiously, votes Reform and attend questionable rallies. I was surprised but her life, her opinions. Since January she's been forwarding me emails anti immigrant from very right wing influencers. Again, i was taken aback but, she's entitled to her opinions. DH was getting concerned because half of what she sends is AI generated or obviously fake news so he had a word.

She explained that her views are about the wrong kind of immigrant and not me... She sends the emails still but since she lives across the country and we see her 2/3 times a year I ignored.

She's been visiting this week and today she came to the park with me and DC. She saw a Muslim woman with a headwrap walking past and loudly said : "Your lot are not the peace kind, are you? Have you been watching the news? Your days in this country are numbered."

That woman is my local GP, born and bred in the UK.

The DC heard everything. I was so stunned i grab the DC and practically ran home. When I told DC he was shocked but says she's harmless, just another boomer radicalised by the internet. I dont agree. I still dont know how to explain what she said to my small DC.

Is she a racist or just sick of illegal immigrants?

She's racist.

HTH

She verbally abuses people in the park for being Muslim.

That should answer your question.

You can look at a Muslim woman in a hijab and tell if she’s an illegal immigrant or a UK-born doctor, can you?

Have you thought about donating your x-ray eyes to NASA for research?

This exactly. They’re just pretending to make themselves sound slightly less unhinged /more palatable. This is why I cringe when I see Muslims and Black people etc wrapped up in the far right movement.

She’s racist and the woman she abused wasn’t an illegals immigrant btw. If she assumed she was that’s racist in and of itself.

And if you condone this sort of stuff it’s likely you’re racist too.

So every hijabi is an illegal immigrant worthy of abuse in the street?

Did you mean to say "is she racist or just sick of Muslims?" because the term "illegal immigrants" seems to be often used as doublespeak these days, designed to considered as concerned, rather than hateful.

DH can go to the park with his mother and they can abuse people together. Oh sorry, just MIL while he stands there saying nothing, laughing it off and enabling…

This is your cue OP. Cut contact with her without further thought. Then you can leave DH to manage it - he will tire quickly.

Who on earth gave you the right to tell anyone GTFOH? I wonder.

Have you ever actually experienced racism? I have - both in the US, and in UK. And my PIL live in a country with a long history of difficult racial relationships. And hold some questionable views.

(granted - never expressed them in the way OP's MIL did)

And still - I stand by what I said. These days people are quick to be outraged and cancel anyone with different opinions. So - people divide into their own echo chambers where they only have people with same opinions. And in the US - this did lead to Trump - because the moderates and liberals chose to not engage with the people whose opinions outraged them - and that group grew.
Same is likely to happen in the UK - and the immigration issue will probably be one of the main drivers.
If you cancel everybody who listens to GB news - they will eventually elect Farage...

OP chose a sensible way - to call out the specifically troubling behaviour and state her position in more general terms. Much more sensible than OTT no contact...

I am also thinking dementia. I don't know how you can possibly get it checked out but in your shoes I'd be thinking about suggesting to my DH that MIL might have health issues, potentially exacerbated by loneliness. The pointer for me is the uncontrolled outburst.

I would write a note to the GP explaining that you were horrified by your racist MIL's comment. You don’t want the GP thinking you agreed.

The DC probably didn’t understand what she meant, but if you think they did I would tell them that Grandma said something very rude and silly.

I would tell MIL that you will not be allowing her to mix with your DC unless she promises never to talk like that again. She can think what she likes but she doesn’t need to say it.

What "led to Trump" is a powerful, out of control, right wing media that has little interest in factual reporting (along with social media activism and a very unpopular Dem candidate).

If you want proof of that, note how more than 20 Fox News personalities (the more partisan and less truthful ones) have ended up with jobs in Trump's government - some very senior. Those who, despite being Republican, tried to report with a degree of honesty ended up booted out of the network.

The right wing control traditional media and social media, and "the Left made us vote for this" is just one of their many memes for why everything is always the left's fault.

I gave myself that right, I have experienced racism and you can still GTFOH with that nonsense.

Exactly this. I’m tired of racists trying to justify themselves by claiming “they weren’t listened to.”

Minorities have a long history of being marginalised and discriminated and not listened to.

And yet no one accepts that as a reason for them to veer over to hate and extremism. You can’t have it both ways

I am a boomer. If I met your MIL and she behaved like that I would have nothing to do with her whatsoever. Age/generation is neither explanation nor excuse.

I can understand the anger and frustration, but we must treat everyone with kindness and be fair. We cannot judge a book by its cover, there are nice people out there which come in all shapes and sizes. I do think its a bit over the top to stay away from her though. She has her views, we are going to butt heads even with the best of friends at times.

This isn't just about views/opinions though, is it? She's at the point of racially abusing strangers (to her) in the street, infront of her grandchild to boot.

We had similar issues with MIL. I’d call her out at the time as I was not going to let my dds think her rants were in any way acceptable. One of my
dds is virtually non contact with her now as she can’t cope with her bile. It my
MILs loss,you reap what
you sow.

OPs response is very kind and fair.

Why are some people so quick to equate “kindness” with letting racism go unchecked?

They’re literally telling on themselves.

If she wants to visit, we'll have neutral talking points, i wont be leaving DC with her alone, no more emails and if i hear/read anything remotely racist, I'll go NC. Her son can see her whenever he likes

There are consequences to every action and this is the MIL facing natural consequences. There is nothing unfair or disproportionate about keeping your distance from a lawless abusive hateful woman if she continues in her ways, and protecting your children from her by making sure she’s not with them unsupervised.

Maybe it’s not kind or fair to OP or her mixed race children to interact with this racist woman to the same extent as they did before. Have you considered that?

Or is “kindness” to the racist abusive white woman who screams at strangers the only thing that matters?

If this was a FIL whose hatred led him to scream misogynist things at random women, would you think what OP has proposed was going too far?

And note, MIL has a choice - she has been warned. If her grandkids are more important than her being racist she will still be able to see them. If she chooses to continue in hate that shows she hates more than she loves her grandkids which is not OPs fault.

Obviously she is a racist as the woman she attacked isn't an immigrant, legal or illegal. She attacked her because she is a woman who isn't white and she was wearing a head scarf. She was motivated by racism and islamophobia.

“OP chose a sensible way - to call out the specifically troubling behaviour and state her position in more general terms. Much more sensible than OTT no contact”

Well OP also said she will go NC if this continues - and rightly so.

I wont be leaving DC with her alone, no more emails and if i hear/read anything remotely racist, I'll go NC

OP's mum doesn't just 'have her views' and this isn't just a difference of opinion. She verbally attacked a woman in the street motivated by her racism and Islamophobia. What she did was illegal and the GP could report her to the police and press charges. OP has treated her MIL with more kindness and tolerance than she deserves.

Judging a book by its cover isn't what OP or the people commenting on this thread have done. That would be judging based on OP's MIL's appearance or on her age or social status, things that she can't help. She is quite rightly being judged on her racist views and behaviour.

Report the thread then if you don't think that OP is a genuine poster.