Do people not like me cos of my weight?

[Sozsoz]

I am 10 stone overweight
and although I have friends I’m never really included in the group stuff and I just feel like I’m no one’s favourite person, I’m liked but overlooked and left out
I don’t know if it’s because of how I look or is it the person I am? I try my best to get on with people I try and be a good friend and there for them.
this weekend iv had a downward spiral as I can see lots of people iv been friends with over the years all together and it’s just never me invited or included. I’m 44, is it too late to change the narrative

I don't think it's your weight, and if it is they are not worth being friends with anyway. But could it be the way you project yourself? Are you very self conscious and shy? Maybe it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy- you think people won't like you and so you aren't very approachable?

I do get it, I am over weight and it took a long time and work to put myself out there because I felt "less than". I also feel sometimes there is an expectation for fat people to be jolly.

I think it’s fair to say people do side eye those carrying large amounts of excess weight and I can say that as an overweight person . I have about 3 stone to lose and yes I do see people checking out what I’m wearing and what I look like . Whether we deny it or not society is very image conscious and anyone who doesn’t fit into the norm will sometimes feel othered . At ten stone overweight your friends maybe concerned about your health etc . If they are going to the cinema for example they may worry you wouldn’t fit into the seat and don’t want to embarrass you , likewise if they go walking . At 10st overweight id definitely be looking to diet , not for your friends but for yourself and your future health and wellbeing . You will get people coming along and saying oh that’s their issue you need new friends etc but IRL people are judgemental . As you are a nice person your weight being a factor does seem feasible .

Yes I suppose I wouldn’t be able to do the activities they do. They are nice to me but I’m just not included in things

I would not dislike you for being overweight, but I do avoid spending time with people who are insecure or hyper focused on appearance. I actually have a friend like this who craves constant reassurance I have distanced myself from because it was dull to have to act like her therapist all the time. Do you ever speak negatively about yourself, or talk about weight loss a lot? If yes, then I would advise you to avoid these topics in future.

Could you be the one to ask friends to do things with you? As someone said above, they may be concerned about what you’d be able to do but if you ask them, that is different.

no on the outside in white white jollu and jokey. But I guess I don’t really move a lot or do anything apart from meals and nights out
I am perhaps a bit moany and I let people down a lot cos of my weight

I do ask but it never really goes anywhere I get cancelled on a lot probable as I cancel a lot I guess

I wouldn’t dislike you because of your weight, if you are a nice person and have interesting things to say that make for good company those are all positive attributes.

You do sound quite down on yourself though and quite honestly unless it’s an existing strong friendship I haven’t got the headspace for listening to it. I have young DC and very little time to myself so I want to zone out. For now, if I meet up with anyone I want it to be low effort on my part.

If you lose weight and suddenly find yourself included, don’t think your friends didn’t like you before but rather that the activities they enjoy might not have been possible (at least in their perception) at your current weight.

I've been there OP.

Its not your weight per se its the fact that it affects your confidence and how how you come across.

At 44 you will hopefully get the ‘don’t care what you think of me’ vibe that I acquired in perimenopause.

Anyway, screw them, finding new friends is always a option.
Good luck.

i am fat/overweight but very confident and i am lucky to have some very close rewarding relationships with friends so i don’t think it is because of your weight directly but as PP have said the fact you have immediately assumed it might be might point to some insecurity/lack of confidence about it which might be the reason. you sound like a lovely friend who makes a real effort and it’s their loss if they don’t appreciate you 🩷 hugs xx

Perhaps they don't include you because you keep turning things down. Start inviting people to things you enjoy doing and see how it goes.

Yes, weight does affect friendships.
My weight fluctuates and has done throughout my life, and I notice that people are definitely nicer to me when I am slimmer. People tend to hang around with people who look like them in terms of presentation, it's like they want a wingman who will properly represent them. You're regarded as more of a player in the game of life if you look conventionally attractive.
If you are very overweight, that is going to affect the activities you can comfortably do as well, for example you are less likely to enjoy playing sports, go on long walks, even going to the theatre. I have family members who are more than 10 stone overweight, and going to the theatre or flying or travelling anywhere is always more difficult. Life is very challenging for them, but also it is difficult to be 100% inclusive because it's so limiting. I always include people when I can, but sometimes it's too difficult: they want to travel first class because the seats are bigger, they always want the aisle seat so they can spread out, and even then it can be tricky; we have to check the suitability of chairs in restaurants and pubs, and sometimes will have to go to a different venue because of that. On holiday they want a double bed to themselves ( but expect to pay the same as people sharing a twin room) and can't sleep comfortably in a single bed, let alone the sofa bed or sofa - They always want the passenger seat in the car and say they can't fit properly in the back seat sharing it with other people. Walks are an hour, tops. .all reasonable for them but it means other people compromising all the time.
I am very sympathetic and try my best not to make them feel bad or embarrassed, but the things that I have described have all happened in the last few months. I do sometimes plan things without them, that I would have invited them to had they not had what I can only describe as a disability.
OP, I don't know if your weight affects you in this way. I do know that being very overweight causes social difficulties as well as health problems. You can be the nicest person in the world ( my relative is, and sounds quite like you) but praticalities come into play, as well as anti-fat- person prejudice, which is definitely a thing.

When you say you cancel a lot because of your weight, what exactly do you mean?

Do you mean you can’t participate in the activities and have to decline/cancel? Or do you mean you feel self conscious about going out?

I have lost just short of four and a half stone this year (Mounjaro) and find myself saying yes to everything and rarely cancelling!

I am heavily overweight too. Some people like me, some people don't. I honestly don't give a fuck.....because I like some people and not others too.

Why should everyone like everyone?

It’ll be the cancelling and moaning. Most people want friends who are reliable and fun to be around, why add positivity to their lives. Flakiness is a pain in the arse and there are hundreds of threads on here by posters sick of friends cancelling, messing them around or being self indulgently miserable.

If you want friends you have to put yourself out there, invest in people, arrange meet ups, attend things you arrange. Everyone’s busy, everyone’s got their own crap going on, your life isn’t necessarily harder than these other peoples.

Why do you cancel? People will definitely not invite you if they think you will pull out all the time.
But it’s very possible it’s your weight, at least partly. Also, are you single and your friends coupled up? When my DH passed away I noticed the difference - fine to invite me to a drinks do but a sit down dinner with all couples? No. I got invited to girls nights but not if spouses were included. My way round it was to host myself (though to be frank the men were a drag so mostly girls nights at mine).

I could have written that OP! Also 10ish stone to lose, always well liked on the surface but also always on the outskirts and never anyone’s first choice. For the year or 2 I was ‘thin’ (size 12/14) just before and after my wedding, my life was very different. People treat fat people differently. Rarely consciously, probably. But you can tell with some people it’s an overt conscious thing. It feels like people think you’re thick, can’t be trusted with stuff etc, can’t be relied upon, can’t have an opinion of worth, because you can’t simply be thin, which is so easy for so many people.

Lose weight, then you'll have your answer.

I'll admit that I don't have that many friends who are significantly over weight. I'm pretty active and most of my friends are too. I do tend to feel a bit sorry for someone who is, which I know sounds patronising, though I wouldn't show that to them.

But I think confidence and being up for things is more of a consideration. Sensing someone is self pitying or doesn't have a positive attitude is definitely a reason why someone would be overlooked, whatever their weight.

Also, just because I'm slim doesn't mean I'm constantly showered with invites and offers. You have to put out to get back. While I sometimes quietly drop people who don't seem bothered to meet up with me, I also try to match the energy of those who do want to. Overall I probably initiate more meet ups than I'm invited to.

I was 7 stone overweight and I got invited to everything, people are all shapes and sizes so unless all your friends are supermodels they most likely don’t care that much about your weight.
I didn’t cancel however, I was (and am still) very reliable I often don’t feel like doing things and many times I didn’t feel confident at all but if I said I would go then I went.
Ot could be your outlook if you say you moan a lot. People who moan can be very draining to be around and other people are less likely to want to generally spend time with you. Maybe work on some positivity in life.
I hope things look up for you

This is probably the problem, not your weight. People who cancel a lot eventually get seen as flaky and unlikely to turn up, so gradually others either get annoyed or assume the person who keeps cancelling actually doesn't want to meet up and is saying yes to avoid being seen as rude and then cancelling because they actually don't want to go - or people simply forget to invite those who didn't turn up the last several times.

How did you get to be 10stone overweight? I weigh the same as I did at 16 and I'm 54 now. Two kids.
None of my friends are obese. Same friends since teens/20s. Some struggled to lose weight after pregnancy but they did. Some put on weight during menopause but they sorted it.

I’m guessing if you aren’t 20-25 st then your mobility may well be poor so you are limited to where you can go and what you can do?

it does sound like you are a bit of a filler friend, on the outskirts of the group. Could you find people you have more in common with through a shared hobby or something?

That's none of your business @forthistimeonly.

Why do you cancel a lot?

When I was very overweight I was very lacking in confidence so I never used to accept most invitations to begin with. In the end several people stopped extending invites. I don't blame them.

Could you cancelling often be the reason you get cancelled on too?