Do people not like me cos of my weight?

[Sozsoz]

I am 10 stone overweight
and although I have friends I’m never really included in the group stuff and I just feel like I’m no one’s favourite person, I’m liked but overlooked and left out
I don’t know if it’s because of how I look or is it the person I am? I try my best to get on with people I try and be a good friend and there for them.
this weekend iv had a downward spiral as I can see lots of people iv been friends with over the years all together and it’s just never me invited or included. I’m 44, is it too late to change the narrative

It’s just more I don’t feel like anyone soecial person you know. Family leave me out of stuff but also I just don’t feel like I’m liked at all and I wonder if it’s my weigh
I do need to be reliable though
I have adhd which doesn’t help

I really do think it's probably the cancelling and flakiness op...most people are pretty impatient with this.

I do agree with pps in that people are generally drawn to positive happy people....fwiw I'm not one of these, I'm a moaner 😂but when I look at people who are popular that does seem to be a common factor.

You could try some counselling and thinking about rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

I think you are probably right in some ways op. I used to be very friendly with someone who was very much overweight. Made no difference to me and some of her other mates. We worked in an office together and she eventually lost loads of weight and looked absolutely stunning. It was incredible the way in which some people in the office changed towards her. It wasn't just her imagination, it was obvious to me and others who had always been her friend. Managers who had been a bit sharp and/or patronising with her over the odd error we all made were suddenly understanding and ultra polite. Stopping to have a laugh with her when they had almost ignored her existence before. People are very visual. She was/is highly intelligent and suddenly people who had totally discounted her in meetings were listening to her ideas/opinions with respect. Of course she was aware, would comment about it to those who had always been friendly, and wasn't impressed. There is such a thing as pretty privilege and those who look conventionally attractive often get the job over equally competent but less conventionally attractive people. There is a recognised bias this way and of course the conventionally attractive often give off a more confident, can do vibe because they've been approved of more. They will sometimes 'wing it' on occasions where perhaps the obese person wouldn't dare.
What to do about this? Recognise and spend time with those who value you for yourself and see the whole of you, not just the 10 stone weight thing you've mentioned and show concern about here. Try to challenge unfairness and get out there being yourself [I know this is hard] Avoid as far as possible the ignorant and insensitive who want to pull you down.

She presumably wants to change because she isn’t happy at the moment. She’s honest about being unreliable, cancelling on people and being negative company.

None of that’s serving her well but can be changed with some effort.

If someone kept moaning and cancelling on me I probably wouldn't want to be friends with them, regardless of their weight.

that’s really unfair - I’m the same weight and height as I was at school and am neither, it’s perfectly possible.

Did you want a medal or something? How is this helpful to the OP in any way?

OP do you suggest things to other people?
I'm slim, but autistic. I never get invited to things, and just assumed I was unpopular. I didn't realise that I was giving off 'uninterested' vibes partly due to my body language and partly because I didn't tend to suggest things to others/invite them. I hadn't realised it was a complete blind spot for me, I think due to lack of confidence I wouldn't expect people to be interested but to them, invites were a reciprocal thing.

10 stone overweight means your eating is seriously disordered. That's not just "enjoying food a bit too much". I'd focus on getting help for that first. Your weight affects every area of your life.

It's bound to get you down and it's not nice for other people if you're quite negative a lot of the time. I'm not judging you for being negative by the way, I'd be bloody negative if I was carrying 10 stone around all the time. That's like carrying a whole person! Your life must be really hard, just doing daily tasks must be like climbing Everest.

People have busy lives and can be selfish. They want friendships that are easy and that don't require much thought, particularly in the early stages of getting to know each other. I imagine trying to include you would require a lot more thought than just inviting you along.

For most of the things I do with friends, you might not be able to manage (or I'd worry you wouldn't). We go to gigs that mean standing for hours - if you're carrying an extra 10 stone, can you do that? We go to the theatre, there are narrow aisle steps and the seats are tiny (even for me at 8.5 stone). I'd worry about you coming along and being embarrassed when you can't fit in the seat. We hired a karaoke booth for a friend's birthday but when we got there, there were multiple flights of stairs to climb. My legs were aching when we got to the top and I like to think I'm reasonably fit. We went to a restaurant and the tables were close together and the chairs weren't very sturdy - fine if you're slim, we all had a great time, but could be awful for someone overweight if the chair broke, or at least very uncomfortable sitting there with no space and waiters unable to get passed your chair. What I'm trying to say is that even the things that one would presume you could join in with like restaurants and karaoke can have barriers that mean you can't go.

Try to think of things you can do and places where you feel comfortable going and invite others along. And if someone invites you to something, only say yes if you're definitely going. Don't let people down or they'll stop inviting you.

You have 1k Facebook friends who you know in person? Is that actually possible? How do you even remember all their names or that they actually exist (without looking at your friends list)?

I see big people out with friends all the time. I think it must be a self-fulling prophecy in your case.

If it really isn't anything to do with the personality your project, you've got lousy friends. Are they all thin & obsessed with their diets?

@Someone2025 nope. 7.7 at 16. 7.7 now at 54. Abs and all because I work out.

I’m 50 and if I weighed the same as I did when I was 16 I would look raggy and drawn, if I was a fairly chunky ( well chunky for a teenager) then I would probably look fine at the same weight
The only person I know who weighs the same as they did when they were a teenager is a woman who was bigger than average as back then so that enables her to look ok now, most 16year olds are not fully developed and are still changing up until the time they are 20ish

If you only do meals and nights out and you cancel a lot on people, I'd say that's your answer.

If you only do meals and nights out and you cancel a lot on people, I'd say that's your answer.

I used to know someone who was at least 10 stone overweight, possibly more. She was a difficult person to be friends with because she was basically an addict, with all that brings with it - cancellations, flakiness etc - but also a massive amount of self-delusion and denial. She put a lot of effort into maintaining the appearance that her life was normal, when in reality her food addiction and enormous size meant that it was not. She seemed to expect everyone else to go along with the pretence. It was very sad.

You might weight the same but that doesn’t necessarily mean you look good, I’m not questioning the fact that it can be done, as I’m sure it can, what I’m questioning is how good can someone look if they weigh the same as they did when at 16 years of age, I’m my opinion, not very good

I think the cancelling is the issue, I don’t like being cancelled on if I’m honest. I mean sometimes it can’t be helped but I’ve had a friend who’d do it a lot and it made me not want to make arrangements.

You’re not interested, you’re being totally disingenuous and really unkind.

I'd be bloody negative if I was carrying 10 stone around all the time. That's like carrying a whole person! Your life must be really hard, just doing daily tasks must be like climbing Everest

Are you intentionally trying to make the OP feel more shit about her weight, @perkygreencat?

Hmm this is interesting I wonder if I do this without realising what kind of things did she do

Still rude and now becoming ignorant- not everyone is the same as you, there’s a huge variety of people out there.

Oh for christ sake go back to my original comment and read what I was responding to

I actually don’t mind this one because I think it’s true being fat has made me negative
I am fat because I have isolated myself and am scared of lots of people as iv experienced a lot of rejection from my dad, my family, my mum so I just took solace in food as it made me feel better and couldn’t hurt me. So it’s made me think

I have ptsd and adhd and I do find it hard to not being impulsive regarding food

On the hand the other lady who weighs the same as she did at 16…… something else lol starting to think she’s on a wind up surely no one is that bloody tone deaf