To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

Wow. I’ve never seen behaviour like that at a funeral - and I’ve been to a lot.

This.
Seeing the people who attended my dad's funeral and in particular the ones who didn't have to, non family and close friends like the man from the paper shop who saw him near daily or the couple who lived a few doors down really made me feel fuzzy with appreciation that they thought highly enough of him to take time out of their days to come and remember him.

"DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Today 17:40

It's entirely your choice and no one else's business."

See I completely disagree with this. It's absolutely the business of the next of kin of whoever died. If you were my sister for example and didn't bother attending the funeral of my husband, I'd definitely take that as MY business.

If everyone took this view at a particular funeral and nobody turned up other than the next if kin just imagine how devastating that would be to them. Like nobody gives a shit that their world has ended and their loved one is dead.

When my dad died, we purposely did not put an announcement anywhere as we wanted a quiet, family funeral. Regardless, loads of random people turned up. People that we didn’t even know.

We had to ask the priest to announce that the burial was strictly private, to stop them going to the cemetery. A few of them had the absolute brazen cheek to ask me where the wake was. That was strictly invitation only so I had to basically say ‘sorry, stranger, you’re not invited’.

Some people see funerals as a free for all and a nice day out.

Oh FFS, THIS was the post I meant to quote rather than my own one 🙄🤦

My grandfather’s memorial service had us - his daughter, son-in-law, 3 grandchildren and their spouses - and one of his nieces.

He was no less loved and missed and respected because we didn’t invite the world. We were not devastated. Those who loved him best, those who cared about him, those who missed him most, were there. Who else did we want? Those who had supported us as he became frailer - the genuine ‘supporters’ - we knew who they were. We thanked them. We did not need them in a tiny church up on a hill one cold grey day to show their ‘support’. Everyone needful was there.

Funerals are for the living. While it’s nice to pay your respects and connect with family etc at them, if you don’t find them helpful for your grief you shouldn’t feel you have to attend. No one enjoys them, of course, but I also think they’re not helpful to everyone. For me, they definitely make it harder to cope with loss.

But it's different if you didn't invite people. I wouldn't ever turn up at a funeral uninvited!

Ah, yes. I can see that if you as a family invite scores of relatives, publicise the date to all contacts etc - as DH did for FiL, following his family’s tradition - then actively turning down the invitation is different from when the bereaved have just quietly made arrangements.

I was surprised, as MiL and FiL’s funerals, how little care / focus / ‘support’ there was for the genuinely bereaved. The vast majority of the attendees were there to see and talk to and eat/drink with each other, rather than directly with the bereaved family members. A but like a big wedding, really, I suppose, where direct contact with the bride and groom is often minimal
in comparison with conversation with people on your table etc.

(FiL went to all funerals, invited or uninvited. If he became aware of a funeral
being held, he was there, especially if a couple of his ‘funeral buddies’ could go too)

She was, I was in Amsterdam on the day of her funeral and went to see the Van Gogh museum because she was obsessed with starry night and never got to see it which I think is a nicer way to remember her than a funeral. I hope my grandkids do something cool like that instead of going to mine.

I went to one for a family member at the beginning of the month. They are bloody heard mentally and not something anyone should feel forced to go through so you do what you have to do and if that means not going that’s completely okay xxx

Funerals are for the close family and friends of the deceased. I go to funerals to support them so they know they're not alone and other people also care for them and their loved one.

I was raised to avoid funerals by my mother who hated them. I understood it to a degree, but I actually think that funerals are a way to mark respect. How is it that hard to sit and listen to a eulogy about someone you cared for? It’s also supportive for family and friends and a nice way to remember someone by.

My mother didn’t hold a funeral for my Dad. It was an awful day as I wanted to be there for him and a non attendance cremation didnt feel the respectful thing to do.

I did my own thing and even drove 400 miles to be near the crematorium that day. I think people have lost the importance of a ceremonial way of grieving.

As an Irish person,I have noticed that whenever this topic comes up, other Irish people will fall over themselves in excitement to proclaim that they are simply the best at grieving and funerals. Its deeply embarrassing, very sorry for that OP.

YANBU at all. Funerals are for the living - if you would rather not go, do what is best for you.

DM, 2 friends and 3 work colleagues have died too young from cancer in the last 3 years. It hits hardest when you have grief for friends/family who are a similar age. I also have one hale and hearty 97yo relative who doesn't want to be here any more who I have to jolly along. I offer support to their families (have sometimes attended the funeral but more often only online). I find each one intensifies or relives the grief of losing DM in a way.

Make the most of your time on earth, be kind, use your best glasses/china, hug your loved ones close 💕

I wouldn’t judge you at all - many people can’t make them as they are working, and also, some people just can’t handle them. I sweat profusely at funerals (adrenaline) it feels horrible and I leave not even hearing the service as I’m so anxious-I hate the dark dingy space and atmosphere at our local crem. Saying that, we made the best of it when DF passed a while ago. It was a brilliant funeral, lighthearted, some serious elements, a few giggles and a wonderful wake with a stunning sunset. He’d have been so pissed off he missed it.

Brilliantly put, and you're correct.

@AtlanticStar

I don't go to funerals either OP.

I find them needlessly maudlin and they serve no worthwhile purpose for me so I simply don't go.

Didn't go to either of my parents' funerals, and I can't see me opting to attend another one at any point from here on in.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX Thank you. I'm not the only one then.

This is the problem with not normalising death and funerals.

If children were exposed to death-is-part-of-life, they would not scream or need to be carried out of funerals.

But overt signs of grief are nothing to be ashamed of. A funeral lets you vent in this way.

100% agree.

Yeah I'd judge. Unless you are the closest person to the deceased, then the funeral is not about you and what you want. It's about supporting the closest bereaved people. If you can't be bothered to do that in the way that they want at a really difficult time of their lives, sod you.

I hadn't really thought about this before, but now I do I think I have quite old-fashioned views about it (surprising, as I wouldn't say I have old-fashioned views about most things!); I do feel that it's important to go as a sign of respect and support.
I think that the family/people closest to the deceased would like to see familiar faces, even if you just show your face for a bit and don't necessarily contribute by reading or speaking, help out in advance or stay for a long time.
So yes, slightly reluctantly I have to say I think I would judge somewhat if people didn't come.

Thank you for not judging. I appreciate others telling me bluntly they would judge me, especially the Irish among you apparently. But I don't get that, if you're not a criminal and lead a pretty decent life and help others, why should you be judged for deciding to no longer go to funerals? Why judge people because they don't think like you?