To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

You can offer both though.

My guess would be that if you asked a bereaved family, 3 or 6 months later, whether x or y had attended the funeral, they would not remember. They WOULD remember who brought meals in the blank time between death and funeral; those who visited the deceased in their nursing home even when they were lost in dementia; those who kept the deceased’s memory alive through an ongoing correspondence with the living; those who noted the difficult times (anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas) over time and were quietly in touch to offer solutions.

Yes. But what proportion of avid funeral-goers do? How many do the ‘performative, visible once-and-done thing’ but not the ‘less glamorous, ongoing, unseen thing’?

Personally, I would always value the ongoing support more.

Bollocks.
I could write a full list of every person who took the time to come to my fathers funeral
and I appreciated every one.

The quotes from those who can’t be arsed above say it all, every single one about how they feel and how it wouldn’t benefit them.

selfish arseholes.

I think that's already happened. In my mind they're already dead.

I will try my hardest not to go to funerals. I wouldn’t rule it out completely but if I can I won’t go. Luckily my immediate family all think the same. We didn’t have any funeral or service when my lovely Dad dies. We were so pleased we made that decision. It was what he wanted too. It’s not that we are afraid to talk about death or that we are afraid to show our emotions it’s just a funeral seems weird to me. What’s the deal with hanging out with a dead body. The body means nothing to me. The person has died. I want to think of the people when they were alive.

If people want funerals and want to attend them then they should. If it gives people comfort then of course they should have them but they aren’t for me.

The fact that some people who are grieving are resentful of people who don’t attend a funeral is small minded and unkind. If you are grieving that much you would think that was more important than judging people who don’t come.

My Mum won’t have any sort of funeral when she dies either. It’s in her will as it is in mine and my siblings. I really glad.

Just to be clear, I have been to quite a few funerals in the past. I went to my neighbour's and DH and I were about the only people there and the only ones who bought flowers. Also, the bereaved people you refer to have treated me badly in the past, so no I don't want to support them. I would never expect to 'enjoy' a funeral although I get that sharing memories etc could be helpful.

I got a message yesterday from a friend inviting me to see a dead person and go to her funeral. A friend of my friend but an aquaintance to me. I said no, I would feel very weird since I hardly know this person. She died at 40, left 3 children that I know who they are from the school run but I would feel like a bloody hypocrite showing up. Other mums who hardly knew the deceased said yes on the what's app group. I just think it's weird when you hardly know someone.

You can, but for some people (e.g. me), the long-term private support is a comfort, and the short-term public 'support' is torture.

Everyone is different, and I certainly think that if others show they would wish you to attend their relative's funeral (either by direct invitation, or by an obviously public funeral) you should attend if at all possible. But if someone shows that they wish for privacy, you should not press public rituals and condolences on them.

But those people were presumably going because your mutual friend wanted some extra support. I don't think that's weird at all. I went to a colleague's sister's funeral who I had never met but he was really falling apart and we were worried about him.

I'm sorry to hear of your losses.

Attendence is a personal choice; however, I've never regretted attending a funeral/cremation/memorial/celebration of life, but have definitely regretted not attending a few and there's nothing I can do to change that now.

Thinking of the one I went to 10 days ago (my school best friend's father) I wanted to be there to show support for my friend and his family although we're no longer as close, and out of respect for his Father who was a lovely man - I last saw them all 6 years ago. The family didn't expect me to be there and I know were very appreciative that I'd taken the time off and travelled (with accomodation) to go. They would have been fine without me there but it definitely meant something to them (and me) that I'd made the effort and I hope the good turnout will and many memories shared will ease their feelings of loss slightly.

Increasingly I'm seeing direct cremations or variations of with the intention to mark the person's life later which so often doesn't happen or have the same impact as an event within a few weeks would have done.

Personally I feel it's more important to attend when it's the first half of a couple so there is a bereaved partner than the second where the 'host' is less likely to be someone you know.

Whatever you decide I think it's nice to acknowledge the passing to the family with a letter or card so they know you were thinking of the person and them.

I didn't see Irish people proclaiming that they are the best at grieving.

I saw Irish people acknowledging that we have different cultural practices and norms around funerals so our experience and expectations are different.

It's not embarrassing to have a different view and express that.

Thank you for all your replies so far and I do want to answer particularly those who are asking why I don't want to go: @Cherrytree86 @latetothefisting @CorneliaCupp @Rizzz @Uricon2 @steepdreams

This brilliant response from @WhatAboutTheOtherOne says it far better than I can. Also, I struggle with attending the funeral of a family member who I harbour such a lot of anger and hostility towards. I realise that's my issue to sort but self protection overrides obligation and tradition here.

She is not that close to this mum, just knows her better than me. So you don't think it's weird if 4 women show up (only one who knows the woman) to look at her dead body and then come to the funeral? My friend goes with another mum who knows her so doesn't need any support. It was more like a social invitation and was really bizarre.

I love this.

OP do you include memorial services or are you specifically talking about funerals?

Often the funeral is for close family and a memorial service is held a few days later for the deceased wider circle. Would you attend that?

@Butchyrestingface Cat Dealy? No, I'm not her. Why - what's she done?

Attending an event you’re invited to isn’t performative 🙄

I actually like the sound of your Fil, even though he sounds the opposite of me. He can come to my funeral (that I don't want and am trying to avoid being present at myself), eat all the food, drink all the drink and tell everyone what a jolly good sort I was.

None of us want to go to a funeral, personally i would prefer direct cremation every time but surely the reason we attend is to support grieving family and friends.
Of course there are exceptions as a pp sadly mentions understandably she can't attend them.
I was massively grateful to see loved ones there to support me and my family at my dads funeral and i will do the same in return for my loved ones .
I would rather never have to go to another one ever again but that's unrealistic so i will just get on with it and go when i have to .
I can't imagine not going to my friends funeral so i do judge and i think you are unreasonable.

Funerals arent fir the dead theyre for the living, that said its nuanced.

Does the immediate family need your support. Does attending cause you excess upset.

Basically if you dont like them, its a balance between your wellbeing and the needs of people your close to. I.e. if your sil died and your brother needed your support and you didnt go be there for him id judge you unless it would induce some kinda panic attack or something for you

I think there are two different questions here. I wouldn't judge you for not going to the funeral of someone you actually dislike so much.
OTOH I would judge you for not going to any funeral because you don't want to. No-one likes funerals but it's just a thing you have to do as an adult.

But this is the whole worldview of the ’I must always be true to myself’ brigade, who can’t imagine that anyone might do something they didn’t want to except to show off.

People who prize their own authenticity above all else also tend to appoint themselves the sole arbiter of what is sensible or meaningful, and declare anyone who feels or behaves differently to be small-minded and shallow and probably stupid.

No-one likes funerals but it's just a thing you have to do as an adult

Disagree. There is no "have to do" about it. Being an adult gives you free will and choice, and that includes the right to opt out of optional things.

What, precisely, obliges adults to attend funerals, other than ridiculous but ultimately irrelevant, out-dated notions like judgement and shame?

ok, now you're starting to sound quite unpleasant and self-obsessed, like a half rate wellness influencer.

There are lots of things in life you might not want to do, but do out of obligation. Go to work every day, eat healthily, go to the gym, a child's party, etc. It doesn't mean you're not being true to yourself if you occasionally do something to benefit others instead of only doing stuff that makes YOU happy. It's called being an adult, and a decent person.

By all means miss the funeral member of the person you don't like, but to not go to others because they don't, what, spark joy, in you (DUH, they're funerals, most people don't go for funsies) is selfish.