To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

Well you haven't come to that conclusion, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

I too made a similiar decision recently after attending my friends husbands funeral. She was so deep in grief she literally had no idea who was there she had to be physically supported to stand and greet person after person. Her children had to do the same while hysterically crying I thought it was absolutely horrendous to see their raw grief put on display for everyone there . I swore there and then that I wouldn't attend a funeral ever again . Im irish and its seen still as quite shocking not to attend a funeral but at this stage of my life I really dont care . My in-laws go to them constantly even people they vaguely know out of "respect" and its a real burden on them

I think you go to show the close family that you cared about their loved one and want to honour their memory by hearing all about rhem
and giving them a day. If you don’t go to the funeral then try to send that message in other way a

I’ve just spent a small fortune on train tickets to attend my brother in law’s Dad’s funeral 200miles away- he’s having a rubbish time, he was at my Mum’s funeral and he’s family and I know it will mean a lot to him that I made the effort.

I didn't go to my uncle's funeral. I just said I have a young baby and need to be at home with him. I had taken him to my gran's funeral and he had kept crying so I had to leave and meet everyone later

I'm Jewish, so customs are different. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone not attending a funeral, although it wouldn't occur to me as an option for myself.
However, I am a bit ashamed to admit that, even almost ten years later, I am still disappointed with friends who didn't come to my father's Shiva.

I will not go to another one. Ive only been to 5 ( I'm mid 60s) and that included my adult ds last year. It was awful.
Dh is having a direct cremation as am I.
I don't give a fuck about what other people think or if I will be judged.

I would respect your decision not to attend, if you contacted the deceased's family and let them know you would not be coming. I trust if you did you would send a card or speak to them to express your condolences.

Obviously you don't have to go to people's funeral if you don't want to but obviously the family will notice. If you never go they're likely to think it's weird.
No-one enjoys going to a funeral but it's about supporting the deceased family. Why would you not want to offer support at such a horrendous time?
When my mum died a few of my cousins didn't come which is their choice but a bit off considering my mum spent most holidays looking after them. So I guess in those circumstances I do judge but if it's someone you're not close to it's different m

Been thinking more about the question of turning up at a funeral versus long-term practical support like being in touch on difficult days, bringing food etc.
I do appreciate the points about providing support in the longer term and different and quieter moments.
But I think some people are saying that attending funerals is 'just for show' and, I don't completely disagree with that, I also don't think there's anything much wrong with it, in the sense that funerals are one of the rituals the human beings have been taking part in for I don't know how long. They don't necessarily have to 'mean' that much in themselves to be meaningful, if anybody sees what I mean!
I'm thinking of my family, who are not close and who don't really talk about any difficult things or share our emotions. But we have been together at funerals, and, even though we're still not exactly weeping on each other shoulders, it's always felt like the right thing and a good thing to do.

I think what I'm saying is that sometimes the turning up, even if it looks like it's 'for show' or just 'the done thing', is how people communicate and how they show that they care.

Me too...

There were close friends that didn't make my mum's (local) funeral... Which I knkw they would usually have come to.... It was just care commitments... One turned up afterwards with her small kids in tow... Which was actually lovely... Quite cheering after a sad service.

One friend called and wrote - she just couldn't face it as her own mum's death only been a couple of months previously.

But your non attendance I would think odd... Obvs it IS personal choice. I'd think you didn't care if you hadn't contacted the bereaved.

Absolutely!

I think its a lovely thing to do to support your BIL.

I've gone to funerals just because the bereaved is someone I'm close to... And I haven't known the dead person well.

I was very touched the number of folk who came to close family funerals to support me.

Ok maybe I could have worded that better. It's a social obligation, something you do for the benefit of others in spite of your own feelings. There are many things in life that we do that have a benefit to others or society as a whole that we may prefer not to do.
Example - visiting an elderly aunt who hasn't got long left. I don't know her well but she was my dad's sister. It cost me half a day and a long drive. Nothing in it for me although I was glad I did it because she was thrilled to see me.

Agree with this. People are fixating on a very literal and narrow definition of 'having to do' things and on how as adults we have agency and choice. Of course we do, technically; but there is still such a thing as 'a good thing to do'.

Yeah it’s basically - don’t be selfish. The world we be so much nicer if we call just remember that.

Wow, social obligations and 'a good thing to do'.

If it's a score sheet I can still claim exemption.

I....don't know how to break it down any further. Look up the individual definitions and put the words together.

What people wouldn't you want at your funeral? I didn't mention any specific people so can't respond to that either.

Selfish because you are prioritising your own wants over others. In this specific scenario, someone you know would like you to attend their parent's/partner's/child's/friend's funeral because, for whatever reason, having either you there specifically or a lot of people generally, would bring then comfort. It's irrelevant whether it would bring YOU comfort or not were you in their place, different people feel differently and they have established your attendance is something that would benefit them. That's the scenario. So, yes, you deciding not to go just because "you aren't obliged to" is selfish.

Deciding not to go for other reasons -can't afford to, can't get childcare or time off work, are on holiday, would bring up bad memories, didn't like the deceased... all potentially more justifiable and less/not selfish.

But you're not saying any of that applies, the sole rationale you've given (again excluding the one specific relative) is you've been to enough funerals and don't want to go to any more.

A ‘good thing to do’ would be to not judge people and a ‘good thing to do’ would be to respect other people have different ways of dealing with the death.

It’s often a very high stressed and emotional time when someone dies it’s best for everyone if people can be kind and accepting of what others do.

Then why does it bother you that others think it's disrespectful?

I do.

It should be about the deceased not you

You go to support friends and family

I have quite strong feelings on issues around death. If there is a very specific reason for being unable to handle funerals or death, I might take a different view.

Overall however, I accept that many people do not like funerals and so choose not to come. I also accept that many people are very uncomfortable dealing with death and so often choose not to say anything or proactively do anythign to support people who are dying, or their loved ones after they go because it is too "uncomfortable" for them.

Those people are people that I do not want to be an active part of my life. They have that right, but I hard fast to MY right to therefore believe these are not people I want to engage with, spend time with, or rely on. Ever.

So if my DH dies and friends dont' come to his funeral, too right - I'm very unlikely to make any effort to maintain those friendships afterwards. Come to think of it, of course, the reality is that the kind of person who wouldn't come is also the kind of person who most likely would not maintain a friendship with me as it would make them uncomfortable. So win win all round.

The flowers that filled the front garden for my mum's funeral.

The fact that it was standing room only for my father's.

The children that attended my young relative's

Many, many years ago now

And I'll never forget them

The saddest funerals are the ones with only a couple of mourners.

My dad’s was brilliant - standing room only in the church and tons of people offering their memories of him. He’d have loved it. It was cathartic to be able to cry about it.

I go to pretty much every funeral and I judge the hell out of people who put their own fear or dislike of shedding a tear ahead of showing up for the last event connected with that person. My brother did that.

BUT. If the deceased and the chief mourners are all people who are/were unpleasant to you, then that’s a different matter.

That said, my aunt was pretty awful and we all went to her funeral. But I suspect it was mostly to make sure she was definitely dead. Plus a social occasion.

Generally speaking though, I would notice who didn’t come. I’ve been to a few with only a handful of immediate family.

@VikingLady
The saddest funerals are the ones with only a couple of mourners.

I disagree. Strongly! Funerals are not popularity tests. It’s not unusual to only have a few people attend especially when older people die. We didn’t have a funeral for my Dad but if we had he would have had very few people attend. It doesn’t have any reflection on how much he was loved. Some people keep to themselves and don’t have big social networks but that doesn’t make them unimportant. Funerals should never be a bums-on-seats contest.

Well that's fair enough but I can't imagine anything that I would find sadder than hardly anyone bothering to turn up for someone I loved. It may not have a reflection on how MUCH someone is loved, no. But it certainly gives an idea of the number of people who loved them.
I would be devastated.