To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

In fact it would make one of the worst days even worse than it would otherwise be. And while I understand that not everyone feels like that, I'd wager that most do.

Same. If people couldnt be bothered to show up I would absolutely notice and yes it would be something I couldnt get past, so the end of our relationship. But honestly by not coming they'd be showing that they didn't give two shits about our relationship anyway so I guess they'd be ok with that.

Depends on the type of funeral - many are more celebrations of life now, and I have heard some really wonderful memories and stories about people that have helped after their dying

It’s more about those who are left behind, and how well you know and love them - so for example if you were my best friend, and you didn't come to support me at the celebration of my DH’s life, then I would probably feel upset and disappointed

Strongly agree with this.

A relative was a bigwig in something Cityish, the type of job in which ‘connections’ are important. His funeral was large, but many of the attendees had relatively shallow links to him - they were duty and ‘societal expectations’ links, not ‘deep love’.

My grandfather was, for many years, someone with a critically important job alongside a (largely secret, even to the beneficiaries) significant charitable activity for very vulnerable people. His funeral / memorial was attended by those who deeply loved him.

The idea that the size of the funeral procession / attendance is a measure of ‘importance’ or ‘love’ or ‘someone’s true value in the world’ is very strange, and very Victorian.

(Someone was talking about a historical figure in the town I live in, who was a thoroughgoing rogue in hindsight - and known to be corrupt and venal at the time. Apparently their funeral procession blocked the streets, and their memorial
is massive compared to others whose much humbler memorials and family-only funerals belie much greater and more positive impact)

There are many things in life that we do that have a benefit to others or society as a whole that we may prefer not to do

I agree, and I still do many of the same things other people do for the benefit of others, because I don't lack for empathy, it brings me the same sense of wellbeing it does for anyone else, it's just "nice to be nice" after all, but my line in the sand is funerals. It's the one thing I don't do, and I simply don't care if anyone judges me for that because I neither need nor want their approval, and I don't feel shame simply because my choices don't align with someone else's personal system of morals and values.

Example - visiting an elderly aunt who hasn't got long left. I don't know her well but she was my dad's sister. It cost me half a day and a long drive. Nothing in it for me although I was glad I did it because she was thrilled to see me

The difference here is your elderly aunt is very much alive and aware of your visit. The protagonist at a funeral is not, so my attendance or otherwise matters not a jot to them. As I said, personally I find funerals utterly pointless, to me they serve no worthwhile purpose whatsoever because I'm not sentimental in any way, I'm not religious, I don't see any purpose in ceremony, and I've never felt any need to organise or attend a funeral in order to deal with grief.

I can, however, completely understand why other people feel totally differently, and of course I accept that for them funerals are a necessary part of the grieving process. What I do not accept is people telling me I have to go through the motions with something I simply do not agree with purely for the sake of appearances or offering "support". There are plenty of people who share the view that funerals are a worthwhile endeavour, so they can go to them, show support, do the whole funerals thing, and have the decency to respect the rights of others who feel differently.

Not many people, with the possible exception of undertakers, likes funerals.

When my brother died, we found the sheer number of people who attended his funeral hugely comforting. Some didn't even know him but they were there to support us in our grief. We were very touched.

I do understand this point of view; but at the same time I do find it a little sad to think of funerals with no or few mourners.

What I don’t understand with people like you and a few others is why you are so against the idea of giving support to the mourning relatives. Lots of people here have said that they were immensely comforted by the presence of friends at their family’s funerals. Don’t you care that you could make the shit day better but choose not to because of selfish and narcissistic reasons?
I can only assume that people like you don’t have any friends anyway tbf so doubt it’s much of an issue.

I appreciate that it’s a bit of a thread derail but I am surprised that no one has commenting on the disgustingly misogynistic tradition of women staying at home to make the tea while the men go out to the funeral ceremony, clearly reinforcing the idea of women as support humans with no real feelings or autonomy of their own.

I don’t think it happens much any more. It was never an English thing and Scotland and Wales seem to have changed.

What I don’t understand with people like you and a few others is why you are so against the idea of giving support to the mourning relatives. Lots of people here have said that they were immensely comforted by the presence of friends at their family’s funerals.

Great, I'm glad they felt supported. I wasn't present at any of these funerals though, so clearly I wasn't missed.

Don’t you care that you could make the shit day better

Honestly, no, because my personal view is that the shit day is made unnecessarily shit in the first place by opting to have a funeral. If people want to do the whole maudlin, mawkish, self-flagellating thing, fine, that's their choice. I'm not going to then play along on the pretence of "showing support".

but choose not to because of selfish and narcissistic reasons?

It is not selfish or narcissistic to either hold a contrary opinion, or uphold your personal boundaries.

I can only assume that people like you don’t have any friends anyway tbf so doubt it’s much of an issue

This is an odd conclusion. FWIW, plenty of friends, the same number of relatives, colleagues and so on as most typical people, I just don't go to their funerals.

the shit day is made unnecessarily shit in the first place by opting to have a funeral. If people want to do the whole maudlin, mawkish, self-flagellating thing, fine, that's their choice. I'm not going to then play along on the pretence of "showing support".

If this is how you would speak to the grieving family and friends, it's for the best that you stay away. What a horribly cynical view.

Perhaps it is cynical, but the fact remains that funerals are not compulsory, they are something that people choose to do, so I do find it odd that people will opt for a funeral and then tell everyone about how horrible/difficult/painful it was.

You didn't need to put yourself or others through this, it's a choice.

I actually had a nice day at my mum’s funeral - I was only 23 and got to say goodbye properly and hear about her from all kinds of people who knew her differently to me. My school friends all came to support me too, and helped out at the wake which was at home - they were amazing. If you had been my friend and bailed out on me for your own self-preservation I’d never have spoken to you again, and I’m glad I’m not your friend.

If you had been my friend and bailed out on me for your own self-preservation I’d never have spoken to you again, and I’m glad I’m not your friend

"bail out" is an odd way to describe someone choosing not to do something optional.

My refusal to attend isn't about self-preservation, as I said, I'm not sentimental, I don't get emotional, so I don't find funerals upsetting.

I completely understand your point of view, but likewise, if you are the sort of person who would refuse to speak to someone because they didn't attend a funeral, then I doubt we would be friends in the first place.

I live in Northern Ireland and honestly I would find it very strange and disrespectful for someone to make no effort to attend the funeral of a friend or loved one out with there being a reason they couldn't attend.

Times are certainly changing and I wouldn't necessarily judge someone for not attending if it would upset them too much. If my children want to have direct cremation for me when the time comes, I wouldn't be ' hurt in advance '. However, direct cremation does have it's own issues.
My friend 's husband paid for his direct cremation in advance but she certainly struggled afterwards with ' not having closure '. Ive been to the funerals of people Ive never met purely to support their loved ones and it was very welcomed. My Dad died 'young' at 60 and it was standing room only at his funeral, which to me and Mum was very comforting. My hubby is a fair bit older than me, if he goes first I will have a traditional funeral, not only because of his wishes but for my comfort.

I found my Dad's funeral really helpful, for similar reasons, although I was a lot older than you when my Dad died. He lived to 89 and in the final year of his life he was very unwell and his quality of life had dropped off a cliff. We were very sad to lose him but it would have been worse to see him struggle on and to see my Mum struggling to look after him. In those circumstances the funeral was a chance to mark his passing and for family, friends and acquaintances to share memories about him and generally catch up. It was an important step on the road to getting used to life without him. I can't imagine not wanting to give him that final mark of respect.

I think it makes life a lot easier when there are very clear rules about how to behave at such a difficult time. Nobody has to stop and think 'Shall we have a funeral or not? Shall we invite people or throw it open to everyone? Shall I go or not?' You just do what's expected secure in the knowledge that others will be doing it too. I like tradition, as a general rule. I find continuity reassuring.

Yes I agree with you. There is a very clear and established protocol essentially.

The idea of "inviting" people to a funeral is something I had never ever come across until I saw threads on here.

I’m not sure it’s worth talking to someone so
completely devoid of normal human emotion as you are but just in case there is a tiny speck of humanity inside your empty shell - funerals are shit because someone you love has died. Some are more shit than others due to it perhaps being a young person or a shock. It’s not the funeral itself that it is traumatising for most it’s the fact that the person has gone - for many the funeral provides closure or a celebration.
Normal humans like to support people who are suffering when people have died and also show the person that they care. Many people are comforted by people attending their relative’s funerals.

There's an element of this should be about personal preference not obligation. Because if you only do something out of obligation how can you be true to yourself

Of course it is personal preference, nobody will make you do something you don't want to do but where does that end? Why do anything for anyone else? Why send birthday cards/presents? Why celebrate anyone's achievements or commiserate their losses? It's all very hollow to only think about things from your own perspective all the time.

If you had a bad experience at a funeral, or you didn't like the person, or didn't feel close enough to them to attend then absolutely fine, that is where personal preference and judgement of the situation comes into it, as long as family are aware and you think of a way to show your respect.. but not going because you 'don't want to go to a funeral' is fundamentally selfish IMO, it's not about you, it's about respecting the person, respecting what a massive difficulty funerals can be for the family left behind to organise and put effort into and showing your support.

I hate funerals, but will always go if I feel it is appropriate.

I've never heard of this, is it a thing in the UK?

Not in England but apparently in Wales and maybe Scotland. I’m assuming maybe in the Welsh Valleys or similar? I can’t imagine people in Swansea or Cardiff being so backward.