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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?

347 replies

justabigdisco · 30/08/2025 18:30

I was woken last night by the bed shaking and my husband heavy breathing. I asked him WTF he was doing and he said ‘just trying to get comfy in bed’ however it was clear he was wanking next to me while I slept. There have been other episodes where I’ve been woken up and thought ‘is he…?’ but never been sure until last night.

I haven’t said anything to him yet but have been thinking about it all day. He has a higher sex drive than me and I know this frustrates him, but AIBU to find it a bit gross and disrespectful?

OP posts:
LillyPJ · 30/08/2025 20:04

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 30/08/2025 18:36

Wanking is a private encounter.. As in bathroom or home alone...

What on earth makes you say that?! Do you think sex should be missionary only and under the covers too?

Tigergirl80 · 30/08/2025 20:05

At least he’s not pestering you for sex. You can get vibrating masturbaters now.

CallieOMally · 30/08/2025 20:05

localnotail · 30/08/2025 20:01

What, I'm not being clear? Wanking, to me, is a body function similar to defecation or urination. And should be done in private.

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No it’s the unhelpful thoughts part. What does that mean?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 30/08/2025 20:06

localnotail · 30/08/2025 20:04

I think the issue here is that we know that most men dont think about their wives when wanking. And are not interested in them "joining in".

I don’t “know” any such thing.

Thingyfanding · 30/08/2025 20:06

It wouldn’t bother me

Kidznurse · 30/08/2025 20:06

You sound really prudish, do you never masterbate ? As you say he’s got a higher sex drive than you so why should yours be the base line. Just let him have a wank if you’re not willing to let him have sex with you and why not make it a shared thing by giving him a hand ?

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 20:07

localnotail · 30/08/2025 20:04

I think the issue here is that we know that most men dont think about their wives when wanking. And are not interested in them "joining in".

I doubt many women who partake are laying there having a rub thinking of their snoring husbands next to them tbh.

CherrieTomaties · 30/08/2025 20:08

YesImaman1100 · 30/08/2025 18:42

Could give him a wee flash or help out?

Wtf is wrong with you?

JustStopItNora · 30/08/2025 20:09

MemorableTrenchcoat · 30/08/2025 20:06

I don’t “know” any such thing.

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I know I definitely do not think about DH when I masturbate. Been together 21 years and very happy and monogamous. But masturbation is for fantasy and has nothing to do with how I feel about DH.

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 30/08/2025 20:12

Belladog1 · 30/08/2025 18:41

I'd watch 😉

I would talk dirty to him and help him along 😂

CaramelGhost · 30/08/2025 20:12

shuggles · 30/08/2025 19:27

@CaramelGhost You don't think there is anything wrong with some engaging in sexual activity in the same bed as you, without consent?

This perspective is a bit weird. His sexual activity doesn't involve his partner.

Imagine if someone made a post on mumsnet saying "my wife is playing with herself in our bed. I don't consent to this and I think she should leave our bed to do it."

Yeah I can imagine that. Same opinion applies, What's your point sorry?

SummerEve · 30/08/2025 20:12

CaramelGhost · 30/08/2025 19:22

You don't think there is anything wrong with some engaging in sexual activity in the same bed as you, without consent? That aside, you'd be okay with someone shaking your bed and being noisy in your bed, for whatever reason, as you slept? Weird

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You are deliberately reaching here, aren't you?

Endorewitch · 30/08/2025 20:12

Why not grab him and say why want when I can give you more pleasure?

RealEagle · 30/08/2025 20:13

CallieOMally · 30/08/2025 20:05

No it’s the unhelpful thoughts part. What does that mean?

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I’m intrigued to also find out about the thoughts part.

CherrieTomaties · 30/08/2025 20:16

Endorewitch · 30/08/2025 20:12

Why not grab him and say why want when I can give you more pleasure?

Jesus Christ this is the most pathetic cringiest comment on here.

THE WOMAN WANTS TO SLEEP AND NOT BE DISTURBED!!!!!

ponyprincess · 30/08/2025 20:19

Bringmeahigherlove · 30/08/2025 19:23

Pretty low standards when you wouldn’t mind your partner shaking the bed and having a heavy breathing wank whilst you lie there asleep.

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I don't think this is about 'low standards' of those he feel differently than the OP. That's pretty judgemental.

This thread shows widely different opinions- I think what it highlights ia the need to communicate with your partner so you are on the same page about it.

It's not objectively 'grim' or 'low standard' or equally 'something to watch'

Livpool · 30/08/2025 20:21

Ilovegermany · 30/08/2025 19:26

I think if it woke me up, I would say “can I help you finish that?”

Same but we are in the minority

Whatado · 30/08/2025 20:23

localnotail · 30/08/2025 20:04

I think the issue here is that we know that most men dont think about their wives when wanking. And are not interested in them "joining in".

Do we? So is your assumption that all women who masterbate only do it thinking of their partner?

Even if they arent so what.

Weekmindedfool · 30/08/2025 20:24

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 30/08/2025 18:36

Wanking is a private encounter.. As in bathroom or home alone...

Really?

LBFseBrom · 30/08/2025 20:24

Livpool · 30/08/2025 20:21

Same but we are in the minority

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That is exactly what I thought. It would make me feel sexy and I'd give him a hand .... in a manner of speaking.....whilst sitting up and slowly taking my nightclothes off. I can't stop thinking about it now and that's not right at my age :-). Be nice and gentle, op, and speak softly.

NikNak321 · 30/08/2025 20:26

Bluesey · 30/08/2025 18:44

I've done this loads, wouldn't occur to me to have to wake up my husband to run it past him first. I think if you've already got a lower sex drive than him then you've got to let him have something, If he was pestering you I could see the issue, but honestly I don't get why it's grim. You have sex and oral sex in this bed, why is wanking so private and disgusting - have people really not watched their OH before?

Yep agreed...Its a natural thing especially if there's a difference in sex drive. I wouldn't expect my hubby to hide away like a naughty school boy to relieve himself. I'd just roll over and go back to sleep if he woke me up or get involved if I was in the mood 👌. But ultimately it's about what your happy with OP...you just need to talk to your hubby about how you feel.

GroovyChick87 · 30/08/2025 20:26

It doesn't sound great when you put it like that but I admit I'm guilty of using my vibrator next to him when I've woken in the night and been unable to sleep so I can't be a hypocrite.

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 20:26

I wonder if the difference in response is also a low vs high sex drive thing.

I have a high sex drive so let’s hop on.

I’m guessing those with the low sex drives are more put off by it.

SquishedMallow · 30/08/2025 20:27

To be honest, I don't think it's that bad of an offence.

Far better to relieve himself than bother me for sex in the middle of the night.

He's scratching an itch. He probably didn't mean to wake you. If he had the phone light blaring on with porn on - bit different.

Calling him disgusting and a pig and grim is a bit man-hatey.

Weekmindedfool · 30/08/2025 20:28

I’d be pissed off if I was sleeping soundly and was woken up by anything/anyone - I like me sleep! But I don’t have a problem with masturbation in bed - DH and I both do it. Sometimes individually and sometimes together. Usually when we go to bed and before we go to sleep but sometimes you do wake up in the middle of the night and the urge takes you.

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