four children and a funeral

[FlayOtters]

I would be interested to get others' opinions on this. My DH's maternal grandfather recently passed away at the age of 90. Obviously sad as death always is, but a swift end to a long and full life.
The funeral is in a couple of weeks and we are starting to get pressure from MIL for our DSs (5 and 2) to attend the funeral.
I do not want them to attend for a few reasons:

• Practical - the funeral is being held a 3 hour drive away from us, on a weekday when DS5 will have just started back into yr1.
• Inappropriate - I think a (very religious) funeral is not a pleasant environment for a 5 year old. He's not really old enough to understand and will definitely be upset by it.
• DC2 would absolutely not sit quietly through the service. He would squirm and whine and have to be taken out anyway.

Basically I'm not sure whose benefit it would be for them being there? For context BIL will almost certainly bring his two (younger) children and that will be used against us. TLDR: what do you think? Should young children have to attend great grandparents funeral?

In these circumstances, I wouldn’t be taking my children to the funeral.

Are you going?

I don’t remember much from before I was 4, but I do remember really specific things about my great grandmas funeral. I think probably because it was emotional for me at the time and wasn’t a place for a child.

I wouldn’t be taking my kids.

Of course they don't have to. I have been to funerals where children (similar ages to yours) have attended, one was their great GF's so elderly, obviously with the odd question or statement during the service, but it actually helped lighten the whole thing. At the wake after, they loved it and treated it like a party. It helped everybody feel good about an old life being replaced by new ones, if that makes sense.

No, I wouldn’t take them at that age.

I wouldn’t take them. If you have someone to look after them go with DH otherwise you stay with your DC.
Your decision as parents just say you don’t think it’s appropriate. Not that anyone should judge. You don’t need to give a reason.

They're very young for a funeral. It's up to the parents of the children and no-one should be putting pressure on you for them to attend. If you think not and don't want them to that's your perogative.
How you square that with bereaved MIL is the problem. What does DH think/feel?
Very sorry for everybody's loss. 🥀

I don't generally go to funerals. It's not really my thing.

However. I do believe that children need to learn about the cycle of life, and by keeping children away from big family events (birthday celebrations, weddings, funerals) they don't learn a lot of the valuable lessons we should be teaching them.

3 hour journey? go up the night before if possible.

Don't go because MIL is applying pressure. Go to pay respects to a very old man.

Kids are fine at funerals, but if you don't want to take them then don't

I totally agree about children learning about the circle of life. We've been open about the death to DS5 and have encouraged him to ask questions if he has them (which he has) and explained that it's ok to be upset, angry, any other feeling.

For one reason or another, we've had a lot of funerals over the course of my DCs lives. They have pretty much attended all of them. One time DD, aged around 5 was given the choice and wanted to go to school instead, and that was fine. I do think it's part of life and even my FiLs very long Catholic mass is remembered by DC as being quite celebratory. However, if it is hard for you practically to have them with you, don't take them. You are the best person to know how it will impact your DC.

They are too young and could potentially cause a distraction for other mourners.

Although children do need to understand this, there’s time. When a friend of mine died, her dd had just turned 3. The dd went to nursery as normal: she was far too young to be there and the sight of her distraught father and broken grandparents would have been too much, I would imagine.

MIL doesn’t get to dictate what’s appropriate for your dc.

I can remember having a conversation with someone when my DC's Grandmother died, DC were 8 and 5 as to whether they attended the funeral or not

General thoughts were if children see life they should also be taught death. Not as in watching someone die or tragic circumstances but to understand, when the time arises what happens to them and that it's all part of life's circle.

In the end I did ask my DC and explain what would happen and they wanted to come.

It's ultimately your decision as to whether they're going or not, you know your DC best.

My GM wanted my DD (under 2) to go to my mum's funeral, I think because it would have been a distraction for her (GM). As it was, I couldn't have coped with toddler wrangling while weeping so didn't take her though as it was local, a friend looked after DD and brought her to the wake. In your situation, I wouldn't take them.

I’d go but just have your DH go to the actual service and meet everyone at the wake/pub or whatever afterwards, that’s what we’ve always done for family funerals.

I have no issues with children attending funerals depending on circumstances. In these circumstances I can't see that it would be of particular benefit to anyone if they attend. Yanbu.

Thanks for replies. Just to add, we don't yet know what day of the week it is. If it's a friday I think we would all go as a family on the thursday night, I would like to have the children for the funeral and they could attend the wake. It's just the actual service I object to.
I have a really good relationship with MIL and don't want to cause any additional distress but they are very much a "this is the right/proper way to do things" family and are unlikely to take it well if the boys don't go.
DH doesn't think they should go either but is obviously also wrapped up in grief for his grandad.

I would have thought the 5 year old would be fine, and it's a good experience to have.

But if you don't want to then don't.

2 is clearly too young

That's the loss of a mother though, which is earth shattering and entirely different

My kids did not go to my father's funeral. I did, and DH looked after the kids. They were 4, 4 and 6 at the time. My mother and sister were supportive of our decision.

ETA: they did attend the wake, though, for about 40 minutes. It was local, so very easy to manage.

Ignore what your mil wants and do what you want. Entirely acceptable to not have them there and your idea of having them come after the ceremony is fine.

I took my 7, almost 3 and almost 5 year old to their great grandfather's funeral. The understanding was dh looked after the 7 year old and I had the other two. I brought a busy book with lots of things to pull out and stick back in. And sweets. I waited as long as possible to bring out the book and sweet and had warned the 7 and 5 year old what's expected at funerals. The singing and eulogy distracted them. It was hard work though. It meant a huge amount to my dh and MIL that they were there. They had seen coffins and funerals before on web cams though so the whole set up wasn't new.

good luck, i'd just play it by ear if you do go. Sit with them in the back of the church and go outside if it gets too much or they are restless.

Your DH presumably also wants to support his mum, so it's difficult in that respect if he also doesn't want the DC to attend.

At one of only 2 funerals i ever agreed to go to - my own father - it was nice to have small children running around the wake. Just a reminder that life (and genes) do go on

I'm Irish and children very common place at funerals here..however a 2 year old would be disruptive unless asleep in a buggy and 5 year old will be missing school. I would be inclined not to bring them. If you are definitely go day before. 6 hours travelling too much on anyone

My 9yo didn’t go for one of our siblings funeral that we were not close to. Yes kids need to learn about death, but not for someone they barely knew. Your 2yo won’t even care or need to know. And your 5yo will be bored and confused sitting through the tears and speeches etc. also do you really think they will sit still or be quiet, and I’m pretty sure your MiL will have a problem with that too.