four children and a funeral

[FlayOtters]

I would be interested to get others' opinions on this. My DH's maternal grandfather recently passed away at the age of 90. Obviously sad as death always is, but a swift end to a long and full life.
The funeral is in a couple of weeks and we are starting to get pressure from MIL for our DSs (5 and 2) to attend the funeral.
I do not want them to attend for a few reasons:

• Practical - the funeral is being held a 3 hour drive away from us, on a weekday when DS5 will have just started back into yr1.
• Inappropriate - I think a (very religious) funeral is not a pleasant environment for a 5 year old. He's not really old enough to understand and will definitely be upset by it.
• DC2 would absolutely not sit quietly through the service. He would squirm and whine and have to be taken out anyway.

Basically I'm not sure whose benefit it would be for them being there? For context BIL will almost certainly bring his two (younger) children and that will be used against us. TLDR: what do you think? Should young children have to attend great grandparents funeral?

I'm generally very supportive of children at vineyards, as it is very normal here in Ireland. Toddlers are very disruptive though. I would probably just do the meal with them and skip the church

This sounds like a brilliant idea.

They're too young. I wouldnt have taken mine at that age.

To me it would be a matter of respect and I would definitely take my children, it would definitely be expected I would take my children and I would definitely hold it against anyone who couldn't be bothered to wrangle their children to pay their respects.

I can see opinions on this thread differ from mine 😂.

I didn’t take my 5 year old to his grandmother’s funeral and certainly wouldn’t have for a great- grandparent.

When my grandad died there were 10 of his great-grandchildren (primary school to babies in arms) there and it was beautiful and noisy and special..
But it was a crematorium with a service written by us all. I couldn't have imagined them all sitting quietly in a long religious ceremony..
I also took my kids out of school for 2 days because we were 5 hrs away..
Hard one OP but go with what is best for you and your family..

My grandfather's funeral, when I was 4, is one of my earliest memories - I was, obviously, too young to go, so went for my first sleepover at a friend's house nearby!

You'd expect a 2 year old to pay their respects?! They wouldn't even understand what was happening. They have no concept of life or death, they just toddle about.
You sound daft.

You'd expect a 2 year old to pay their respects?! They wouldn't even understand what was happening. They have no concept of life or death, they just toddle about.
You sound daft.

It’s a really important gathering of the clan and is part of your kids developing a sense of where they come from and who their broader family is, as well as the broader family knowing them.

For that reason I would take them.

I'm generally very supportive of children at vineyards, as it is very normal here in Ireland
This is an excellent autocarrot.

made me chuckle too. I'm probably even less supportive of children at vineyards than at funerals! don't be messing up my wine time haha

My nephew [4] attended my father's wake [open coffin] and funeral along with lots of other children ranging from 7-16. That's perfectly normal in Ireland though. First time my kids have been to a funeral but their cousins have been regularly as it's the cultural norm to attend the funeral if you know a member of the family, not necessarily the deceased.

Service was about an hour long. Don't know what you mean about a really long service and whether you'd expect it to be longer than 1 hour but it was perfectly feasible for him. A 2 yr old is a wriggly pain though.

I'd probably bring them both as your DH will want to see family and unless you have a sitter who can have them for a very long day it's more practical to take them along and step out during the service if you need to.

Nephew just wanted to know if his Grandad was all better now that he was in heaven. Whether you believe in god or not [I don't] I think the experience gave him the ability to say goodbye rather than grandad just disappearing never to be seen again.

Ive always taken my children to funerals. If dd2 will be a pain, sit at the back so you can leave if necessary. However these were local ones. Id send DH instead and you stay home with kids

Between siblings we had similar age kids at my parent's funeral. We each had in-laws there, who scooped little ones outside for a bit for us when they got restless, because spouses are needed for the service. It really helped my DS of similar age in talking about death and what happened, but he has always been emotionally close to his grandparents and I get the sense you haven't encouraged that kind of relationship or you might be worried about your children's emotions. If the kids simply never knew him, then it's all a bit pointless and just keep them home. If they did then I suggest definitely taking them and just nominate someone to whizz them outside if they get restless. Descendant children running about during a wake is a delightful reminder of how we actually live on in memories, so that definitely shouldn't be avoided. We have been to a couple of other family funerals by request, but that was easier because we could have taken him out ourselves when it isn't one of your own parents.

I took my DS to a neighbour's funeral when he was almost five. It was in the morning and he was on afternoons only at school as he had just started. He was as good as gold! Like you, I think that a two year old wouldn't settle well at a funeral.

But you yourself have just made it clear it is not "your thing" to show respect to the dead by attending a funeral, so why do you have the right to lecture the OP?

In general I am very much in favour of children attending funerals. They have to grieve a loss as much as adults do and keeping them away denies them the opportunity. I wasn’t allowed to go to my granny’s funeral and have always regretted it. But that is nothing to the lifelong trauma my husband has felt after not being allowed to go to his sister’s funeral when he was twelve.
With your children being much younger than we were though I think there is a case for leaving them at home. They will not benefit a great deal from the service and you and DH can deal with their feelings of loss in an age appropriate way.
Do however think carefully about whether having the grandchildren around her would help your MIL. She deserves consideration at this sad time. I’m not saying you have to take them because she says so, simply that you should carefully consider the feelings of everyone concerned before making your final decision.