four children and a funeral

[FlayOtters]

I would be interested to get others' opinions on this. My DH's maternal grandfather recently passed away at the age of 90. Obviously sad as death always is, but a swift end to a long and full life.
The funeral is in a couple of weeks and we are starting to get pressure from MIL for our DSs (5 and 2) to attend the funeral.
I do not want them to attend for a few reasons:

• Practical - the funeral is being held a 3 hour drive away from us, on a weekday when DS5 will have just started back into yr1.
• Inappropriate - I think a (very religious) funeral is not a pleasant environment for a 5 year old. He's not really old enough to understand and will definitely be upset by it.
• DC2 would absolutely not sit quietly through the service. He would squirm and whine and have to be taken out anyway.

Basically I'm not sure whose benefit it would be for them being there? For context BIL will almost certainly bring his two (younger) children and that will be used against us. TLDR: what do you think? Should young children have to attend great grandparents funeral?

I took my 4 year old to my granddad's funeral - it wasn't big, mostly just family, and I didn't think it would be very heavy going. I honestly can't remember what we did with the 2 year old. The 4 year old knew what was going on, and honestly she would have been more of a pain if we hadn't taken her, she wanted to know everything! Obviously it wouldn't have meant much to the 2 year old so I wouldn't feel the need to take her.

You could do with an extra grown up who isn't grieving coming with you to look after the children so you can support your husband.

Agree with children at the food and drink bit after the service rather than at it themselves. Would think the service might be a good idea if the 5 year old was close to the person who died.

No one HAS to go to a funeral. I would imagine most people generally want to, if they loved the deceased person.
My younger son attended his dad's funeral aged 4. It was a sad, grim affair but his siblings, all his cousins and aunts and uncles were there, and he felt the love and support of the wider family.
If you view it as an inconvenience, a bit of a chore, you can't see the point... then don't bother. It suggests your/ their connection was not that strong anyway?

No I wouldn’t take children that young. It serves no purpose.

Children that age can cope with being at a funeral. My 5 year old daughter went to her great grandmother’s funeral and gave a short reading / speech on how she liked her and would miss her. It was a wonderful moment she can still remember and meant a lot to her grandmother.

But… (a) she had met the deceased a number of times and (b) it wasn’t during school.

Your 5 year old gave a speech at a funeral?? Wow!

It has never crossed my mind to consider it as an analysis of whether it is a benefit to the children or not. Nor to consider a funeral in any way traumatising.

Had we had any family funerals to go to when DC were that young it wouldn't have been a question of not taking them. I don't think either of us would have given it any thought but just assumed they were coming because it's a family occasion and it's totally normal for me for all ages to be there.

I think it's a very personal decision. My mum died earlier this year. My DC are 10 and 6 and they were very close to her. I decided it wasn't right for my 6 year old to attend but I didn't feel I could stop my 10 year old. So I gave DC10 a choice. He opted not to go, he didn't want to. They both went to my BIL for the day. However when we buried her ashes, both of my DC were there and had the opportunity to say their goodbyes, lay flowers etc.

Personally I wouldn't take them. Its too far, they won't understand, they will see people upset and may be confused. Our children didn't attend a funeral until it was my mums, and even then it was just our daughter aged 10. My Dad passed away first and they were the youngest grandchildren then (7, 5 & 4) but I said absolutely not. They went to friends after school and we collected them later.

Well I for one am glad that I wasn’t taken to my fathers funeral as a 5 year old as I feel if would’ve traumatised me to see a box containing his body go through the curtains to be greeted by some artificial flames before knowing that he was then going to be burnt to a cinder.
Maybe not all kids would been traumatised by that, but if there’s a chance they would be then I personally would rather not take it… In favour of what? “A family occasion”? No thanks, I’ll just stick to Christmas, birthdays, weddings etc for my DC to celebrate family occasions.

I’m very much a take the children to the funeral sort of a mum. I’ve taken DS now 3 to various close family members funerals whose closer relatives were all ok with him going. DSD mum is also the same. Always think it’s important to know about death and understand grief and customs because soon enough it will be someone much closer to DS and DSD who die. However, that is our assessment of our children and their temperament. My mum is against the children attending funerals and didn’t allow me to attend my grandads funeral when I was a young teenager and that always stuck with me. So perhaps I am over compensating.

However, your children your rules. You know them best. If attending a funeral won’t be good for them then don’t take them. If your mil is reasonable then she will understand.

Fair enough. Maybe that was the right thing for you. I'm just saying it wouldn't even be a conversation I would have because it would just be a given that we would all be going. The concept of excluding children from funerals remains very alien to me.

My dc went to their great grandparent's funeral but they were by then 10 and 12. I thought it was good for them to get used to funerals at a low key one - the great grandparent had been very elderly.

However I would not go in with a 2 and 5 yr old. Can they go to the wake /reception bit after ?

My kids have attended funerals when aged 4.1 . Just took them out if they were particularly disruptive. Completely you and partners decision not mil.

Well “speech” was probably over describing it, think a few lines of the school play type of thing. She did decide what she wanted to say though.

Very sorry for your loss x

Completely depends on you/your husband/close family and what you feel is best given the circumstances and your children’s needs.

I have taken all four of my children to funerals over the years from being a baby to pre-teens. However, 1- they were welcome at the funerals and close family found having them around comforting. 2- as children go, they are reliably well behaved and I had ways to soothe them when they were little, so I was confident this would not be an issue. 3 - I was given some good advice from a psychotherapist friend that shaped my thoughts around (my) children attending the funerals of close family members.

My brother and sil have chosen not to bring their 2 children to the funerals as they felt that this was not the best plan for them/their children and that’s completely fine too. It needs to be a decision that you are comfortable/happy with.

For me it depends on how close my children are to the person who has died. For instance my children recently lost their great Nan on their Dad's side. My 13 year old attended the funeral, but I felt my 9 year old was too young. So she attended the wake instead. I didn't feel she needed to see her entire family beside themselves. That said had it have been a closer relative, my youngest would've gone to the funeral. I'm a nurse and death is part of the life cycle. However I feel there are certain things our children don't need to be oart off until its absolutely necessary.
I think your children are too young, and will end up being a huge distraction at the service itself.

I have a nearly 5 year old and a 2 year old, there’s absolutely no way they would be going to a great-grandparents funeral. They wouldn’t have a clue what was happening and why and they’d just be upset at other people being upset. It’s also unlikely that either of them, especially the 2 year old, would sit quietly though the service.

My husband’s grandfather is 97 so we are aware that he might not be with us for much longer (although he’s adamant he’s going to make it to 100) and my husband has already said there is no way we would take our kids to the funeral when the time comes (it was one of those really random conversations, we don’t generally talk about people dying).

Don’t go, don’t take them. My children attended my mum’s funeral when they were quite young and the emotion of the day and seeing lots of grieving adults very much upset my older child. I regret it.

I think it’s too young. But that’s just my opinion. I think you need to think of how they will be affected. For some children it might be closure and a good thing to mourn. For others it may be quite traumatic. They may have already grieved in their own way. Seeing others sad or seeing things that are unknown to them (religious) may be more upsetting. I know that for one of my children it would not be good for them at all because I know the effect it would have.

so hard to advise really as you know your kids. The 2 yr old though I think a definite no. Far too young, probably disruptive (not their fault!) and would not gain anything. The 5yr old could potentially say goodbye. But they’re at the age of things being even more confusing.

I would not take them to a funeral they're too young.

No. I wouldn’t take them. It’s unreasonable to expect children of that age to behave appropriately at a funeral, especially after a long journey.

My 7&11 yos were given the option of going to GGM's funeral. 7yo decided against it and wasn't that affected by the death either. 11yo was clearly affected by the death and went as a genuine mourner.

What do the children want to do? I do feel exposing children to death is important and elderly relatives is a reasonably gentle way to start (my mum died when I was 12 so having been to a couple of funerals before definitely helped). BUT 2&5 is sooo young.

Absolutely don't feel obliged to take little ones to a funeral. My parents never took us until well into teens. People who say kids are fine at funerals....mmm... I was at one the other day and kids were wailing as grandads body was carried in in the coffin 😬

They're too young, in my opinion.

Two of my cousins attended my grandmother's funeral when I was 11. My mother - quite rightly, in my view - decided that I wasn't going. I attended my first funeral when I was 19.