four children and a funeral

[FlayOtters]

I would be interested to get others' opinions on this. My DH's maternal grandfather recently passed away at the age of 90. Obviously sad as death always is, but a swift end to a long and full life.
The funeral is in a couple of weeks and we are starting to get pressure from MIL for our DSs (5 and 2) to attend the funeral.
I do not want them to attend for a few reasons:

• Practical - the funeral is being held a 3 hour drive away from us, on a weekday when DS5 will have just started back into yr1.
• Inappropriate - I think a (very religious) funeral is not a pleasant environment for a 5 year old. He's not really old enough to understand and will definitely be upset by it.
• DC2 would absolutely not sit quietly through the service. He would squirm and whine and have to be taken out anyway.

Basically I'm not sure whose benefit it would be for them being there? For context BIL will almost certainly bring his two (younger) children and that will be used against us. TLDR: what do you think? Should young children have to attend great grandparents funeral?

I didn’t even attend my own grandparents funerals as a teenager as my mum didn’t want me to, so the first funeral I went to was my dad’s when I was 19 and I wasn’t well prepared, to be honest.

However, I think under 10 is probably too young for the actual church service if it’s a religious funeral as some of it can be OTT.

When DH’s step dad died I took toddler DS but we wandered around the graveyard during the church service and joined the mourners afterwards in the hotel. DH wouldn’t have wanted DS chatting away whilst people were listening to the eulogy in church and DS provided a nice distraction afterwards.

As adults most people go to a funeral to pay their respects and for the benefit of those left behind, it's good manners, no-one enjoys it. For children I think it depends how well they knew the relative and how close they were.
When my MIL died DC were 6 and 8 and we didn't let them go, they stayed with my parents. They both resented it and remind me to this day more than 20 years later! So that was a parenting fail.
Yours are younger and I would guess not super close to a GG? I wouldn't take them. How do you avoid upsetting family? I think your plan of just avoiding the service is a good compromise.

If they’re going to be upset, or create a disturbance, best left at home - assuming you have childcare.

I took dd1 at around 18 months (no option) to a Gm’s funeral. Of course she was far too young to understand, wanted to run up and down the aisle. With really only family there, I did let her at first - she nearly bashed into the coffin on its stand! So I took her out.
The vicar was lovely, he said to me afterwards that there was no need at all to take her out, and TBH my Gm would have been the first to find it funny.

I well remember a nephew of barely 3 at the same funeral - after the service, as the actual interment was taking place, he was happily playing with his toy cars in the earth around the edge of the grave!

Nobody was remotely put out, rather the reverse.

I agree with this and it sounds similar to my father in law’s funeral, which my then nearly two year old went to.

My mother-in-law had asked me to bring her, and her presence definitely lightened the mood, especially when the coffin was being taken out of the church and she waved happily and said “Bye bye, Grandpa”.

Personally, I would always try to do whatever the ‘primary mourner’ wanted - unless I thought it would be particularly distressing for my child. In this case, the OP’s mother-in-law is presumably one of the primary mourners.

I think a 5 year old should be fine, if suitably prepared, and the 2 year old may need taking out of the service for a short while, but could still enjoy much of the day. Both boys may enjoy seeing their cousins. However, the OP and her husband know their children best.

I would be tempted to leave the decision to the husband, given that it is his mother who wants them to attend.

I would do what you’ve outlined here. And could you frame it to MIL that DH really wants to focus on her for the actual funeral and be able to support her properly and he might not be able to do that with the boys? Especially if you have to take one out etc?

I know plenty of young children who have gone to funerals, even with long journeys involved.
I took my 2 to my mils funeral at a similar age and they were fine and engaged.

I wouldn't take them. They are a bit too young to be able to sit quietly for any length of time, and after a long car journey. I wasnt even invited to my Grans funeral and I was 12

Is there a removal the night before. If so I’d take them to that and the wake afterwards but no I wouldn’t take them to the funeral.

I do not agree with taking very young children to a funeral. This is something we do not do or expect in our family.

Is there a family friend you can ask for support? When my good friend's mum died I was going to the funeral anyway they asked if I could sit directly behind them and their 4 year old on the end of a row, in my bag I had colouring, a book, a few cars, if he became upset or too fidgety the plan was I would take him out, he knew me well and it meant my friend still had his wife for support. I was more than happy to help. As it transpired it wasn't needed, but that was a relatively quick crematorium service, I have been to Catholic church funerals and they are much longer.

I didn’t take my kids to my own mother’s funeral, they were five and seven at the time but I need to grieve and not have to parent, they were in school and went to a friends for tea after,

I would take the 5 year old IF they saw the GGF regularly and would notice he was no longer around as it would help them understand where he’d gone, but not if the child barely knew him

You’re the parents, so it’s your decision

It's a really personal choice. We've just lost my Grandpa and my Grandma would really like my children to attend the funeral. We've asked them, DS (7) would like to attend, and DD (6) said she doesn't want to. So I think that my husband will take DD for a hot chocolate nearby whilst DS and I attend, then we will all go together to the wake. I think it's important the children are part of the day to help them understand and process the loss - but it needs to be done in an appropriate way and the most important thing is the feelings of the child. DD would likely be very upset, so it isn't in her best interest to attend. We also have a 3hr journey, if it's relevant.

I think if they are not able to sit quietly for the service (and that would be a supremely mega ask for every two year old I know) then they should give the service a miss, obviously you as well if you are unable to get child care and just attend the wake.

That should be a compromise that keeps everyone happy.

I would say no to the service and take them to the wake.

You and your husband will not be able to fully take in the service and grieve with the children there. Seeing their father upset will be upsetting for them.

I would all go up, DH to the service and you and kids join him at the wake.

O would make the effort to be there and the kids to be present if it was being requested but only with what I felt comfortable with - and that wouldn’t be a funeral service at that age.

We attended a family funeral when our children were a similar age. I had to go to support my husband (it was a much younger, vet close family member). We asked the boys if they wanted to go and they refused (or at least the older one did). We left them at the pub where the wake was to be held. The funeral itself was horrific and I’m very glad they didn’t go. The wake was somewhat different.

Your responsibility is to consider what would be in the CHIlDREN’S best interests not the interests of your MIL and I fail to see what the benefit is to the children attending the funeral of their great grandparent.

I would just counter any pushback with “it’s not in their interest to attend”

They're not props for other people’s comfort.

I wouldn’t take them. My dad died a few years ago at 70. I gave my 12 year old a choice and didn’t take my 8 year old. They weren’t particularly close to my dad and if so i might have gave the younger one a choice but in your situation i wouldn’t take them at that age but you should go to be there for your dh. What his brother does with his kids is up to him. What does your dh say?

I don’t think children seeing a coffin in a church or crem helps children understand the circle of life as PP said.

As an adult, I think it’s strange to think of the deceased being in that coffin. I don’t get closure from funerals. They just make me feel awkward and uncomfortable and sad.

I don’t see it as a chance to say goodbye. It’s a box, they’re dead.

I always make sure I tell people what they need to know when they are alive.

I wouldn't take them at that age. Much better for your DS5 to be in school and serrle into the new routine. You could perhaps take them to a local church after school to.light a candle of remembrance or mark the day in your own way, so that the family know you are thinking of the deceased.

They're very going. Do what you think is best.

I might take ds1 who's about to turn 7, IF he had a strong enough relationship with the deceased to justify it.

I wouldn't take ds2 (recently turned 5) as he is sensitive and young emotionally and I don't see attending being beneficial to him. Unless he had a very strong relationship to the deceased and then I may let him attend part of the funeral.

Dd (1.5yo) probably wouldn't understand what's going on and would be a nightmare to keep quiet so I'd only take her if I couldn't find childcare and then I'd probably sit out part of the funeral so as not to disturb the service.

So I guess the answer is, it depends on your kids' ages and personalities and their relationship with the deceased, and what sort of childcare you can organize.

Don't bring them just because of family pressure.

I really don't believe in children being shielded from life's multi faceted experiences (although there are some obvious exceptions!) but if the logistics are problematic then, on a purely practical note, it's fine to get childcare for them.

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a funeral where young children from within the family didn’t attend. I went to various relatives’ funerals as a young children and certainly wasn’t traumatised. I wonder if it depends upon that family’s cultural norms.

I am always surprised on MN how many people do take small children to funerals, as that hasn't been my experience of the many, many funerals I've attended over many years. However, I think it is interesting on MN to learn about how people do things differently.
The point here though, is not whether it is 'right' or not, but the fact that the parents of said dc have said 'no', and other people in the family are telling them they are wrong. In the same way that you are not criticising your BiL for making different choices from you, nobody in the family should be trying to make you and your dh o what isn't right for you.

YANBU