four children and a funeral

[FlayOtters]

I would be interested to get others' opinions on this. My DH's maternal grandfather recently passed away at the age of 90. Obviously sad as death always is, but a swift end to a long and full life.
The funeral is in a couple of weeks and we are starting to get pressure from MIL for our DSs (5 and 2) to attend the funeral.
I do not want them to attend for a few reasons:

• Practical - the funeral is being held a 3 hour drive away from us, on a weekday when DS5 will have just started back into yr1.
• Inappropriate - I think a (very religious) funeral is not a pleasant environment for a 5 year old. He's not really old enough to understand and will definitely be upset by it.
• DC2 would absolutely not sit quietly through the service. He would squirm and whine and have to be taken out anyway.

Basically I'm not sure whose benefit it would be for them being there? For context BIL will almost certainly bring his two (younger) children and that will be used against us. TLDR: what do you think? Should young children have to attend great grandparents funeral?

No I wouldn't take them. I recently took my 7 year old DD to my sister's funeral and had to take her out part way through as she became distraught. I wish I had left her with my friend who looked after my 2 year old DD (who won't sit still for 5 minutes let alone through a funeral).

All you can do is make the best decision for our kids.

Every child is an individual and circumstances vary wildly so choose what's right for you and yours and balls to what anyone else thinks.

At a push, as it’s a 3 hour drive away, I might go to somewhat support DH but I’d only take the children to the wake and not the actual funeral.
My DS who was 5, didn’t come to my mum’s funeral. He was blissfully unaware at school and not subjected to me being an absolute mess.

Its your children and your choice. You know your children better than your Mil does and I would not be taking her views into account.

Took DS out of Y3 for one day for DH's Mum's funeral this year. Absolutely will for Great grandma too when that does happen. 3hr round trip so stayed overnight but ever thankful that BIL and SIL took him to stay with cousins overnight rather than sleep in MIL house like we did

Wouldn't have taken him before school age (got strongarmed into attending the after church bit for one when he wasn't quite onto solids but absolutely not the service). I wasn't taken to my grandma's funeral about the same age and I remember not understanding why not, but at 4 when my grandad died, didn't know what a funeral was etc

I don't see any benefit in the 2 year old going at all. The 5 year old, if he was close to his great-grandad, fair enough, if not, there's no point.

For logistical/ travel reasons it’s probably not a good idea however I do think that children should not be shielded from the cycle of life and especially as this is the (obviously sad) death of an elderly relative rather than a tragic and shocking loss then the funeral shouldn’t be an inappropriate place for them; imho kids provide a welcome distraction at funerals and it’s good to have all the generations at a family occasion. (For context I’m a catholic and we seem to have a slightly different attitude to funerals than my non catholic friends)

I'm Irish and funerals are much more mainstream here. In saying that I wouldn't have brought my young children to a funeral if it was down the road, let alone a long drive away.

that last sentence hit the nail on the head for me. I'm concerned that family members will want them to attend to be a comfort for others rather than it being the right thing for them.

I don't think there's any age that's too young for a funeral. There's nothing inappropriate about a funeral service for any child.

But I also don't think it's inappropriate to say that's it's too far to go during term time for a distant relative.

When my mother died my oldest son was just 6

Second generation late parents, she was 83

He went but as my mother said 'He's easy'

His Cousins a year older and younger didnt though, its what works for you

He did ask if we could put a shovel in her coffin just in case she came alive again which lifted the mood a bit!

No way would I take children that age to a funeral

I'm in Ireland so it's very common for everyone to go to funerals no matter what the age. I mean we just go to absolutely everyone's funerals, I've been to funerals of people I never even met as a child and adult.

People do actually feel let down if you don't attend. So I can totally understand your mil actions, however in the last few years I have declined funerals and told my children they didn't have to go, they're older now and I regret not doing this when they were younger.

If you don't want them there that's ok, that's your choice, you can always ask your 5 year old if they want to go but from experience going to 1 or 100 funerals doesn't make you any less or more prepared. You just say that you don't feel it's appropriate for your children and the travelling and service will be to long and tiring on them.

My children were similar ages when their great grandfather died. We all (DH, MIL, FIL and I) agreed that the funeral would be appropriate for them but that it would be OK to go to the wake. DH went to the funeral with his parents while I took the children for a walk, then we joined the wake later.
Family loved seeing them (they had lots of attention) and there was lots of talk of the next generation and reminiscence. Eldest only just about remembers it but knows he met lots of his family that day that we don't often see.
When great grandma died they were a bit older (12 and 10 and by then had a 6yo brother). We all attended the funeral and wake and everyone behaved appropriately. Again, family enjoyed seeing them and it felt appropriate.
Worked well for us but it might not be the same for everyone.

this absolutely.

They're not props for other people's comfort

This sentence made me sad. What a horrible way to look at the wonderful joy, life and comfort that children can bring to sad situations. They are not being 'used', just being part of an extended family where everyone's needs can be met. It's OK to learn that someone is sad and you being around helped them feel happier. In fact, it's an important lesson - we are all so interdependent. Of course, it would be a subconscious lesson but I think they would sense it and know the joy they are bringing just by their presence. Even if they didn't, it's the attitude that we're all in this together.

I don't necessarily think the funeral service itself would be best as it can be hard to keep the kids entertained. But I do think their presence at the wake would lift everyone's spirits and bring comfort to MIL in particular. My young children (1.5yo and 4.5yo) attended my grandmother's wake and during the burial they were looked after in a building but were there right afterwards. They were not in the service as it would have been difficult for me to look after them and grieve properly.

YANBU at all 💐

I’ve been to a fair few funerals, some with young children and babies in attendance. There’s never been an issue and in fact the presence of a small child can often lift the mood. At the funeral of a friend who died very suddenly in an accident, his then 3 year old child asked, very loudly, ‘Mummy, is daddy in that box? Can I give him a hug?’. He then proceeded to toddle up to the coffin and stroke it, saying ‘bye bye daddy’. It was heart wrenching but so lovely at the same time.
However, whether children should go to funerals or not is down to the parents. Distance isn’t an excuse though - we don’t say we can’t take children on holiday because it’s over 3 hours away do we? Perhaps the OPs MIL would love to see her grandchildren and it might make her less upset at her father’s funeral. I’d hope all my grandchildren and great grandchildren (if I have them) would come to my funeral when the time comes, and not be kept away from celebrating my life.

A great grandparent isn’t a distant relative! My grandchildren are fascinated by their family history - love looking at photos of their great and great-great grandparents. DGS has started his own family tree and he’s only 7! Our family history is important - it’s a great way to explore life in the past.

I don't disagree and I would take DC personally. But it could also be someone they'd never met or only once or twice and it's far enough distance to justify using the need to miss school as an excuse not to go.

I wouldn’t take my DC, not at those ages. My gran died when DD was 4 and we didn't take her to the funeral.

Absolutely not appropriate for such young children.
Why would anyone expect them to attend.
Does your mil find it acceptable for a funeral to have a child shouting or screaming or talking the whole way through it?
No way would I take my dcs on a 3 hour journey to attend a funeral.

Yes, I would, and did, take my kids to funerals that young. Because I believe that was the right thing to do.

But you don't. So they shouldn't go.

Parenting is best when you stand up for what you believe in. They are your children and they have two parents that can decide what is right for them.

Our family funerals have always been the children do not attend the service buy do attend the celebration of life afterwards

Sorry to derail but I’m fascinated by this. Not your “thing”? They’re not my number 1 day out choice but I go to them!

OP I wouldn’t take them, no.