To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

It really doesn’t matter that you think he shouldn’t be there, or hasn’t earned the right to be there. What matters is that your son wants his father there on his day. He said plainly that it isn’t up to you, so I wouldn’t approach him with any ‘helpful’ suggestions that aren’t likely to be well received. This is between your son and his father.

Also, kids don’t feel for their parents according to a strict formula of more parenting = owed more love. It isn’t a competition, either. It may not feel fair to you, but as the saying goes: life isn’t fair. Your son’s relationship with his father is a separate one to his relationship with you, and your relationship with your ex is something entirely separate again. Don’t put your son in a position where he feels he has to choose between you, because you’ll only succeed in damaging your relationship with him.

Yes, it is up to your DS, I'm surprised you're asking really. If he wants his Dad there, he should be there. How he travels isn't your issue if course.

I can promise you that if you make your son feel uncomfortable about having his Dad there, he will remember it. Don't put him in that position.

He should be there if your DS wants him there.

It is not ok for anyone to try to pressure you into having him in your car. Don't give in to that. Don't make excuses. There is a reason you are not together and you don't want to have any more to do with him than is necessary.

He needs to make his own way there and back.

Your husband and son could both go on the train. Take two large suitcases, get a cab to and from station. You can see him off from home which will be less stressful and then nip to see him in the car in a couple of weeks when he is settled in with the rest of his things. Perhaps your son would like his dad’s company. Driving while emotional is not safe and you could have an accident.

Why odd? Plenty of people go places on their own.

And part of being an adult is experiencing and learning how to deal with awkward situations. He may be a young adult, but he is nonetheless an adult and has the right to make decisions you may not like.

Your ‘guidance’ isn’t likely to be well received if he believes it’s a thinly veiled attempt to exclude his father.

Oh @stripycats I totally hear you. The day I dropped my DD off was tricky! Her and I live together on our own and it was a 4 hour drive to her Uni - so it a tiring and emotional day. She was quite nervous too so I was being very strong and cheery .
anyway I think it’s totally up to you who you have in your car once you’ve left. Try not to worry about things that may happen like cancelled trains. Just go and do your thing and then leave and let ex sort himself out. Good luck and hope it’s a good day x

It would be unreasonable of you to say your ex can't be there if your son wants him there.
It would be ridiculously unreasonable for anyone to suggest that you should give your ex a lift, there or back.

There is absolutely no reason why he needs to come with you. He’s your ex for a reason!
Whether your youngest son comes is irrelevant. He may want to come, your son may want him to come and if he does come that is fine, you can be civil and be in the same room for a while surely?

If he’s brazen enough to ask for a lift home I would simply say no that doesn’t work for me.
You do not have to appease your sons by sharing a car with your ex. However you can’t exclude him from the day if he makes his own way and your son wants him there

Maybe I’m unusual but I’d give my ex a lift to and from this, and they would do me

I'm also unsure why so many people are asserting that ds wants ex there. He may, but I also think he may just be anticipating ex bringing it up. Despite what some on here think, ex has done a lot more guilt-tripping than me over the years (I'd like to think I've not done any) and I do think this is what is behind this. Only this year he asked the dc why they only go on holiday with me (they have gone with him a handful of times) despite knowing for months when we were going and having far more flexibility than me about when he can go away - both dc did exams this year so had a long summer, which doesn't benefit me as I'm a teacher. I've never stopped him taking them. I think ds is likely to be anticipating his father's desires as much as anything. Ex is also a very last minute person, so quite likely to suddenly say the night before, 'what time am I seeing you at X uni tomorrow?!' causing ds to have to sort something.

I realised I’d put graduation after posting but same applies - it’s up to DS if he wants his Dad there or not, not OP. Heading off to university is a milestone for many families, whether you agree or not.

And I certainly didn’t suggest that he should travel in OP’s car, I specifically said she should refuse that.

Yes, I get it's a big thing that DS is going to Uni, but exH presence isn't really required. When I went (more than 40 years ago) my parents saw me to the train & that was it. I would just tell DS that you are not willing to give your ex a lift. End of.

I'm wondering what useful purpose exH can serve? Drop offs for Uni are, as you say, hectic & really how is he going to help?

As MNers are fond of saying 'No is a complete sentence'.

So there's a rail replacement service - Oh Dear how inconvenient. Again 'No' to the lift. Just say 'No that won't be possible' you don't need to make excuses.

That’s a rotten way to respond to her.
I’m open-mouthed in horror at the answers here insisting that this lad can and should dictate what shall and shall not be.
He’ll get this arrogance knocked out of him PDQ at uni if he doesn’t cop himself on very soon. (Or will he be reading Law? 😂)

Heading off to uni is exciting and wonderful, but he’s not off on a solo trek in the Andes. (Or to his First Holy Communion, aged seven.)

There’s no need for all these (forgive the word, but maybe ‘performative’?) family expectations and demands.
Doing it yourself by train and British Rail luggage van was very often the thing in my day, so maybe I’m a hardened case.
Still, I do think all this fanfare and fussing for every possible occasion is not altogether a healthy development.

Big girl pants on.

If it turns out he’s coming, quick conversation with ex to state that won’t be offering a lift home so don’t bother asking.

You don’t get to choose who your DS wants on his first day. You say graduation is the important one, but then this day is clearly a big day to you so it’s maybe fair to extend some recognition that that could be the same for DS and Ex too.

You get to choose whether you participate. You get to choose who goes in your car.

So you and many posters are happy with the son thinking “my dad missed this milestone because my mum refused to let him the car”

accurate or not, it’s not what I would want my kids to think

This is probably why its about time you told him the truth about your ex and why you dont want to spend time alone with him.
He is an adult now.
I think his dad should go if he wants to but definitely say no to a lift. Just leave before that conversation has time to happen. Also realistically if the train is cancelled on his way home. He wouldn't know until he got to the station.

You are maybe over thinking the whole thing
It will be rushed amd once you have emptied the car your ds will probably want to be left to get settled.
Taking your other ds will probably be very handy for carrying stuff .

It's fair enough you not giving him a lift but it's very unreasonable to say he can't be there and it isn't up to you. I'd just say you aren't giving a lift and Dad will have to get a lift from someone else or the train.

I know I'm spiralling again, but I have a vision of us being part-way through unloading the car and ex ringing ds to say he's just arrived at the railway station and when can we meet. Then ds will get super-stressed as he won't want to let his dad down and won't want to say we're in the middle of it you'll need to wait. Then if gets a taxi or bus to the halls and we're done by then... This is what I mean about it not being practical for him to be there.

Good idea.

You’re being way OTT and overthinking this. Massively.

You don’t have to factor in “meeting him” at all! Get your son to message his dad the location of his accommodation and what time he would like him
there. Then he can make his own travel arrangements via train and taxi. He is able to do that as a grown adult and father isn’t he?
That means when father arrives at a suitable time
you can dash off. Since you want to get it over and done with.

Please don’t give off “this needs to be short and quick and there isn’t time” attitude to your son. He doesn’t need or deserve for it to be rushed and stressful just because you don’t want to be around his father. I mean, how selfish is that?! It should be a calm, smooth and exciting experience for your son. He shouldn’t have to be dealing with your “timings”.

It's not like it's his first day at school. He's a big boy now. I repeat what useful service is his father going to have? Just a hug & 'good luck son'.

I think there are too many milestones these days. Junior Proms with expensive dresses for 10 & 11 year olds - again at 15/16, again at 17/18 then a big deal about going to Uni?

For all the Love of God, let's save it for the big occasions rather than inventing even more expensive occasions.

No you can’t say he can’t attend - this isn’t about you whatsoever. This is your son’s day, don’t turn it into “my mum ruined my drop off day and made it about her”.

You don’t need to have your ex in the car. If he asks for a lift and that’s giving you anxiety, message him beforehand saying you’ll see him there but just to set expectations you will be travelling solo.

If worst case his train is late and he wants to quick put he picked up, is ten minutes that horrific to benefit your son? If so, be clear with your ex your arrival time so he has no excuses.

It might be helpful if you are okay with saying which university it is.

There were parents’ receptions at my DC’s universities, which was the cue for most parents to leave after a hectic morning unpacking. Halls’ social activities (eg free pizza lunch) and practical things (eg getting student cards, signing up with the GP) started at lunchtime. Both were city universities with short time slots for unloading and very restricted parking. I think that is quite unusual though. I guess it depends what the other students are doing, if they are going out for lunch or shopping with their parents, if there are no organised events until the evening. If that is the case, maybe his DF should be there if they both want that.

I think it’s fine to say ex will have to get himself there but, if your DS wants home to be there, you will have to accept that. I would suggest you point out to your DS that it will be very busy unpacking and that activities might start on arrival day, and he will probably want to get on with meeting people asap and for you to get lost 😂 If that is the case, perhaps you could suggest he has dinner with his dad the night before and he visits your DS a few weeks later.

You’re way overthinking this.

You will be unloading the car and then going.

If EXH turns up you say give him the address he will have to get a taxi, and carry on unloading the car. If son is stressed, then he is stressed. It’s not within your control.

Once the car is unloaded you ask DS do you need any help unpacking or shall I leave you to it? (He prob will want to unpack and meet his flatmates alone). Then you leave. If EXH is there you leave him to awkwardly stand around while you’re busy unloading, if he’s at the station you leave DS to go and meet him, You just completely stay out of their relationship and let your son learn how to navigate on his own