To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

When my son went to uni I went on moving in day and the following day his dad (my ex) went and met him on campus and took him out for lunch etc. It worked well. Once my ds was settled in his room I left as there's not much else to do, it’s time for them to meet the other new students without mum hanging around. DS2 can go with you and ds1 gets dad to himself on the second day, show him around, have lunch etc.

Practise saying ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for me’ in csss he should ask of even hint for a lift back. It is a phrase that will stand you in good stead in all sorts of situations.

Ds2 being there for the crying is totally different from ex being there though.

A few people have said ds and ex are both adults and can sort it out themselves, but ds is obviously very young and not fully aware of the implications of decisions - I do think he needs guidance. I also think, as someone has suggested, he may be romanticising the day and not thinking about the practical side of his disabled dad hanging around awkwardly while we are dealing with stuff. His dad is an adult but not the most sensible/thoughtful one...

In terms of his past actions, it's the kind of thing we chose not to to share with the dc at the time and then after that it has never seemed the right time. I think it would look like spite if I revealed it now. However, as I said, ds is fine with me not offering a lift and he knows we don't really get on so it's no shock. My worry is something coming up on the day that will make me look a total arsehole if I don't offer a lift back.

My parents separated when I was 17 (and haven’t spoken since, I’m nearly 50) so every significant adult occasion in my life (and my brothers, he moved to the other side of the world) has been affected by this.
Kindly, if your DS wants him there, and he can get there, don’t make it hard. Please.

Nope. She had to take it all with her, pots, pans, plates, bowls, cutlery, cooking utensils a duvet, bedding, pillows EVERYTHING. I don't think this is unusual.

Most kids these days turn up with everything they need with them. In theory she COULD have got some of that stuff when she arrived but then she wouldn't have even the basics with her initially to even make herself a basic meal or to be able to go to bed. Why have the faff of trying to sort bedding and pots and pans etc when you arrive when its the last thing they would want to be doing.

Getting there and getting settled and socialising with flatmates would be firmly on the agenda not shopping for bedding.

But I take the point that I just need to say no/give an excuse and not care if ex thinks it's a lie etc. The only issue is, any lie would have to involve ds2 if he does come and that's not fair. If I have to say a blunt 'no' in front of the boys, that's awkward for them too... Ex is pretty thick-skinned and I think would happily accept a lift if offered or ask for one if the alternative was too inconvenient for him.

It's really not up to your DS of you're driving. Ex can get a train or a taxi if he wants to be there.

My experience of uni drop off includes unpacking, food shopping and sometimes a meal out. I wouldn't do any of that with my ex.

Honestly it sounds more and more like you don't like your DS as much as you don't like your EX! It's not your adventure it's your son's he gets to decide who comes not you. And you'll be lucky if he doesn't say that he'll get the train with your EX - it can be done i know plenty of Uni students have taken themselves to uni via train!

I don't understand your dilemma. Your xH goes to the drop off if he wants to, and goes home. He is an adult and can arrange his own transport. If something does go wrong its up to him to make alternative arrangements. You don't have to nanny him. So as to diffuse any tension that might affect your son's enjoyment of arriving at university with his parents, you going on somewhere in the opposite direction is a good idea. Then there will be no expectations, no anxiety, and you can all enjoy the occasion. 😄

It really is up to her son who sees/is allowed in his new home - not his mother!

What car do you have that can even fit in 3 people and all the stuff for the first year at university?

I wouldn’t have him in the car.
If he wants to be there then he can but that doesn’t mean you need to ferry him about when you’re not comfortable in doing so.

But you can’t stop him from going.

If you are literally planning on dropping DS off and leaving, then tell DS to have him meet him there so he can spend longer with him.

But it isn’t graduation day is it; it’s just dropping the son off for his first term.
He’s not a nine year old being sent to boarding school.
He’s an adult now, and shouldn’t be requiring an entourage.

I must be in a very sour humour today. I don’t see at all that it’s the son’s prerogative to dictate who comes along in his mother’s car! Bloody nerve.
He’s being appallingly heedless of his mother’s heavy feelings, and must know that this new chapter will initially be hard on her. She‘s banking on having him alone with her on the way up, feeling as she does, and he’s a worm to try to override that.
If his father makes his way up and back by train, then nobody’s the worse off. Failing that though, he simply doesn’t come.

Why are both parents, even happily married ones, needed on site together anyway?
(I think private fond farewells are all well and good, but there’s no necessity for a big emotional family send-off scene at the lad’s new digs. People probably hire videographers for it all now, I expect)

Demanding that his divorced and mutually hostile parents bury the hatchet for the occasion and endure a ghastly trip there and back is beyond selfish. It’s actually deserving of a stern lecture, lest he continue such behaviour among his new acquaintances.

Huh. I need a chill pill, that’s for sure!

You can't stop him going, but can refuse to lift him.

What stuff do you need?
Clothes, bedding, laptop etc - surely that would fit in most cars.

Where on earth do you get my not liking ds from that? I've just added additional information, that's all. It's not meant to be critical of ds - it's just factual. As well as being excited for him I'm dreading him going and have repeatedly described it as an emotional day yet you decide I don't like him and he'll probably go on the train with ex?

An elegant solution; perfect

@ConfusedNoMore I understand it’s difficult, but as ‘the child’ in this situation, I’m really glad that I know the facts so I could make an informed decision. Don’t get me wrong- being confronted with information that made me choose to end the relationship with my father was hard.
I bet if the shoe were on the other foot the father of your child wouldn’t hold back on telling the truth about you.

He's going to catered halls and some other stuff also provided - the car will be full but perhaps not as full as in some cases.

I have dropped two off as undergrads. We live abroad so need to stay in a hotel, buy all the stuff (although now it is just a case of online shopping to be delivered to halls apparently). Then we have needed to unload the taxi and cart stuff up to the room. Lots of help with directions from university. Student ambassadors giving directions also set up a nice vibe for the busy day.

Parents give help bringing up the stuff and choosing cupboards in kitchen. I washed DDs stuff too. Some parents hang around and some probably need to get off.

If you think you might be tearing up I would not drag out the whole thing. Maybe have a chat with DS the night before to say that you want to get off promptly because you don’t want to spoil the day by looking sad. Plan to do something before leaving the city even if it is just finding a local park to walk in. My eldest went to Oxford Brookes so there was lots for me to see. Youngest was in University of Sheffield I was used to leaving by then - it was pouring with rain which made us laugh and I went back to the town centre hotel quite happily if somewhat poorer for the two-day shopping spree we had had.

The reason for planning something is to make sure you are not lying when you say that you have plans. You do not give ex a lift. I would not be facilitating anything for him, DS can make all the arrangements.

Thus the last thing DS will see is his cheerful mum waving goodbye telling him to enjoy and take care during freshers. Tell him that you will send a message when you get home. You might want to give him an extra £30 to go to the supermarket “food not alcohol!”.

I'm not lying but I guess every university and young adult are different. We were given a 1½ hour slot for parking and were grateful for that (central London uni).
I did arrange to come back the following week and spent a lot more time so it all worked out.

Super simple

Ds1 and 2 can go in the car with you on the way there

You and ds2 can drive back together

Your ex can take the train there and he can take it back. Its up to you to be strong, op. If he tries to ask for a lift, make it clear that it is a no, and stick to it.

If ds2 wants to take the train with his dad in solidarity, say okay, see you at home, love you.

Good luck xx

I think that now would be a great time to order something from ikea in uni town, so there’s no room in the car on the way home !

If you’re petty about this, your son will always remember that time his dad wasn’t there because you didn’t let him.

if you think that’s a win, I don’t know what to say…

This is about her giving him a lift her car, not about her son allowing him at the uni drop off.