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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 16:52

stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:39

I'm also unsure why so many people are asserting that ds wants ex there. He may, but I also think he may just be anticipating ex bringing it up. Despite what some on here think, ex has done a lot more guilt-tripping than me over the years (I'd like to think I've not done any) and I do think this is what is behind this. Only this year he asked the dc why they only go on holiday with me (they have gone with him a handful of times) despite knowing for months when we were going and having far more flexibility than me about when he can go away - both dc did exams this year so had a long summer, which doesn't benefit me as I'm a teacher. I've never stopped him taking them. I think ds is likely to be anticipating his father's desires as much as anything. Ex is also a very last minute person, so quite likely to suddenly say the night before, 'what time am I seeing you at X uni tomorrow?!' causing ds to have to sort something.

Regardless of whether he wants him there or is anticipating that his dad will want to be there, the advice is the same. Your son plainly told you that it isn’t up to you. Trying to push ‘advice’ onto him isn’t likely to be well received. Step back and leave them to it, don’t make it into an issue that mars your son’s day.

The relationship he has with his father is between them, not between the three of you.

ZoggyStirdust · 31/08/2025 16:52

Ilovepastafortea · 31/08/2025 16:49

It's not like it's his first day at school. He's a big boy now. I repeat what useful service is his father going to have? Just a hug & 'good luck son'.

I think there are too many milestones these days. Junior Proms with expensive dresses for 10 & 11 year olds - again at 15/16, again at 17/18 then a big deal about going to Uni?

For all the Love of God, let's save it for the big occasions rather than inventing even more expensive occasions.

Show quote history

Surely it’s up to the son what he wants and values, not you

Millytante · 31/08/2025 16:53

Ilovepastafortea · 31/08/2025 16:40

Yes, I get it's a big thing that DS is going to Uni, but exH presence isn't really required. When I went (more than 40 years ago) my parents saw me to the train & that was it. I would just tell DS that you are not willing to give your ex a lift. End of.

I'm wondering what useful purpose exH can serve? Drop offs for Uni are, as you say, hectic & really how is he going to help?

As MNers are fond of saying 'No is a complete sentence'.

So there's a rail replacement service - Oh Dear how inconvenient. Again 'No' to the lift. Just say 'No that won't be possible' you don't need to make excuses.

God I’m glad to read your reaction. Ditto, fifty years ago.
(Also, I had to go down for a couple of days to find myself a room, not fancying halls. That was an eye opener! )

Agree on every point.
Any student I ever knew couldn’t wait to scarper out of their parents’ midst, and I feel uneasy about reinforcing all this ‘super-adhesiveness’ in families.
He probably doesn’t push his Dad around in such a shocking manner, so it’d be a much more harmonious farewell anyway, if he’s really all that bothered about the occasion in that ‘Big Day’ respect.

tara66 · 31/08/2025 16:55

You are not obliged to give ExH transport at all. He's a grown man and can make his own arrangements to be at any location arranged and paid for by himself. You DS needs to know the meaning of ''divorce'' unfortunately and that it
does not mean providing a lift for ex. for any occasion.

GoodPudding · 31/08/2025 16:56

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:13

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc. Not sure that he would but still.

Is it up to ds though @CaptainMyCaptain ? I get wanting him there but do I have to endure a nighmareish 2 hour long journey and have that possibility hanging over me for the sake of a drop off? If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would. But I don't think this is the same. But maybe I'm wrong.

So what if his train back is a bus replacement… I’ve taken bus replacements a couple of times. It’s a bit of a pain but no big deal.

EquinoxQueen · 31/08/2025 16:56

Of course the ex can go if he wants but like with all these situations he needs to know in advance what is happening and when. Your son may be you but he is moving away and into adulthood and needs to navigate this.

the ex is an adult and should make his own way there and home irrespective of train delays and replacements.

you need a conversation with your ds about the transport (which I think you have had) but I also think you need a conversation about what happens on the day.

Carodebalo · 31/08/2025 16:57

Father can come (DS decides), but he does not get a lift. Not going there, not going back.

MummaMummaMumma · 31/08/2025 16:59

If he wants dad there, that's up to him. Nothing to do with you. Yes, it'll be a hard day for you, but this is your son's event.
You are entitled to say no lift though.

ZoggyStirdust · 31/08/2025 16:59

Do we really think a thread about an ex husband refusing to give the ex wife a lift wouldn’t be full of

”he’s going anyway”
”he’s an arse”
”he should give you a lift, selfish bastard”

mindutopia · 31/08/2025 17:00

I think it’s perfectly reasonable that he might want his dad to be there. I can’t imagine either of mine not wanting their dad there to move them in. But it’s an emotional day and it’s fine to say that it will be too much on you to drive him, because you need some time to yourself after. He can sort public transport or arrange a lift with a very kind friend or family member.

MargaretThursday · 31/08/2025 17:01

Really stop worrying and focus on your ds.

If the subject comes up again you say something along the lines of:
It's your choice if he comes ds, but there won't be space in the car, so if you let him know we're aiming to arrive about <time> and we'll meet him there. I'm sure he'll be useful to help carry things in.
And btw I've booked to stay <ideally friend you know but dad doesn't, don't give exact place if it's premier inn etc in case dad then books the same> overnight on the way home as I don't think it's a good idea to drive up and back in one day because it makes a long day.

Thus you giving a good reason why he can't be in the car there or back without you stating it.

When you're there, unload the car, if he's self-catered then take him to the shops to buy some food, say a nice goodbye and ask him to at least text one a week so you can know he's still alive(!) and leave.
What his dad does at that point is entirely up to you. If he arrives after you've gone - well he can help pack/take him out to dinner etc. You have done what you want/need to do and anything else doesn't matter.

What you don't want is for it to potentially be held against you later in a "I wanted dad to come, he wanted to come and you stopped him for no reason".

MayaPinion · 31/08/2025 17:03

Your ex will be no use on moving in day. My DD was on the third floor of her accommodation and it had no lifts. I went with her alone and we had a timeslot to load and unload. We parked up and spent 20 minutes running up and down the stairs with boxes before having to move the car to the park a 10 minute walk away, before coming back and unpacking.

I then took her to the supermarket for food, toilet roll, toothpaste, etc. We went back, stored everything, and then I went home. It’s not really a social occasion - once you’re done you’re no longer useful and they want you gone.

Edited to add - see if you can persuade your DS that his dad should come up the following week and take him out for lunch once he’s settled.

StarCourt · 31/08/2025 17:03

MargaretThursday · 31/08/2025 17:01

Really stop worrying and focus on your ds.

If the subject comes up again you say something along the lines of:
It's your choice if he comes ds, but there won't be space in the car, so if you let him know we're aiming to arrive about <time> and we'll meet him there. I'm sure he'll be useful to help carry things in.
And btw I've booked to stay <ideally friend you know but dad doesn't, don't give exact place if it's premier inn etc in case dad then books the same> overnight on the way home as I don't think it's a good idea to drive up and back in one day because it makes a long day.

Thus you giving a good reason why he can't be in the car there or back without you stating it.

When you're there, unload the car, if he's self-catered then take him to the shops to buy some food, say a nice goodbye and ask him to at least text one a week so you can know he's still alive(!) and leave.
What his dad does at that point is entirely up to you. If he arrives after you've gone - well he can help pack/take him out to dinner etc. You have done what you want/need to do and anything else doesn't matter.

What you don't want is for it to potentially be held against you later in a "I wanted dad to come, he wanted to come and you stopped him for no reason".

you obviously haven’t read the full thread but why can’t Op just say she’s not prepared to give her ex a lift

jamimmi · 31/08/2025 17:03

Can you suggest to son that his dad pops up a couple of weeks after he moves in to see how he's doing. My DH has health issues never did drop off for ds and won't for dd. He is sight impaired and absolutely no use for these things, he's going up with me to visit later.

WiddlinDiddlin · 31/08/2025 17:05

Can't you just talk to your son?

'Kiddo, I can handle dropping you off and helping you with your stuff but I don't have the emotional wossnames to add anything else in. So if you want to see your Dad that day, can you arrange that seperately to whatever we're doing. I'll take you to be there for x, ill bugger off by y... the rest of the day is yours to arrange'.

Daygloboo · 31/08/2025 17:05

Millytante · 31/08/2025 16:22

But it isn’t graduation day is it; it’s just dropping the son off for his first term.
He’s not a nine year old being sent to boarding school.
He’s an adult now, and shouldn’t be requiring an entourage.

I must be in a very sour humour today. I don’t see at all that it’s the son’s prerogative to dictate who comes along in his mother’s car! Bloody nerve.
He’s being appallingly heedless of his mother’s heavy feelings, and must know that this new chapter will initially be hard on her. She‘s banking on having him alone with her on the way up, feeling as she does, and he’s a worm to try to override that.
If his father makes his way up and back by train, then nobody’s the worse off. Failing that though, he simply doesn’t come.

Why are both parents, even happily married ones, needed on site together anyway?
(I think private fond farewells are all well and good, but there’s no necessity for a big emotional family send-off scene at the lad’s new digs. People probably hire videographers for it all now, I expect)

Demanding that his divorced and mutually hostile parents bury the hatchet for the occasion and endure a ghastly trip there and back is beyond selfish. It’s actually deserving of a stern lecture, lest he continue such behaviour among his new acquaintances.

Huh. I need a chill pill, that’s for sure!

Show quote history

Ding be so hard on the son you coldhearted idiot.

Millytante · 31/08/2025 17:05

stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:46

I know I'm spiralling again, but I have a vision of us being part-way through unloading the car and ex ringing ds to say he's just arrived at the railway station and when can we meet. Then ds will get super-stressed as he won't want to let his dad down and won't want to say we're in the middle of it you'll need to wait. Then if gets a taxi or bus to the halls and we're done by then... This is what I mean about it not being practical for him to be there.

Reading your updates, I really and truly think you can and should simply not make this trip at all.
(All depending on a decent train service from exH town, though not on whether that suits him. It’ll have to! If not, you drive up after all, but without him, end OF.)

You are going to end up on tablets at this rate, with all these fears and pressures piling up over what absolutely doesn’t need to be a flipping ‘occasion™️’ at all.
Your lad is capable of unpacking his own stuff, I’d hope.
Why must two men loom this large over your bit of sunlight?
Let them make of the day what they want of it, and you just embrace your lad before he sets off to meet his dad.
Then you can weep away as freely as you like (and more safely 🚗)

If the three of you can reshape this date in a civilised and mature way, it can still be a very good memory in years to come, but as things stand, it’s a miseryfest in the making, I think.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 17:07

ZoggyStirdust · 31/08/2025 16:59

Do we really think a thread about an ex husband refusing to give the ex wife a lift wouldn’t be full of

”he’s going anyway”
”he’s an arse”
”he should give you a lift, selfish bastard”

Maybe, but if we only had the wife's version of events that would skew it. If she posted, 'I cheated on him/gambled away his money/was violent to him/ostracised him from his family/coercively controlled him/ emotionally abused him and now he won't give me a lift, then I believe she would get her arse handed to her. Likewise, if a man posted as I have, that he had reasons for not feeling able to give his ex a lift due to her past actions, I do think most posters would respond as they have here.

Why do people always think 'if a man...' is such a massive gotcha?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 31/08/2025 17:07

stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:46

I know I'm spiralling again, but I have a vision of us being part-way through unloading the car and ex ringing ds to say he's just arrived at the railway station and when can we meet. Then ds will get super-stressed as he won't want to let his dad down and won't want to say we're in the middle of it you'll need to wait. Then if gets a taxi or bus to the halls and we're done by then... This is what I mean about it not being practical for him to be there.

Seriously. What your DS’s dad does is none of your business. How your DS responds to what his dad does is none of your business.
Stop overthinking this, plan what YOU are doing, and let others look after themselves.
Stay in your lane.

Millytante · 31/08/2025 17:08

ZoggyStirdust · 31/08/2025 16:52

Surely it’s up to the son what he wants and values, not you

Show quote history

When he is an independent adult, certainly,

MyDeftDuck · 31/08/2025 17:11

I can think of nothing worse than being on my own in the car with my ex so I do feel for you OP. Think you need to be very forthright and tell him that giving him a lift back doesn’t work for you because you not going straight back ……. Invent someone who you’re visiting to break the journey if necessary.
Hope your son has a great time at university too. 💐

Yerto · 31/08/2025 17:12

I totally understand this is a huge deal for you and will be an emotional day.
I don’t think you can choose whether your ex is there or not, but you absolutely can choose whether or not you give him a lift, regardless of any public transport issues that may arise.
It doesn’t seem like he’s been a brilliant partner or co parent with you but unfortunately he is his dad and has every right to be there.
It does seem from your post that you are imagining lots of different scenarios which may occur and be awkward. Presumably there is the chance he may not come, may come later once you’ve left, may come but it be amicable and there be no suggestion of travelling together. I wonder if it would be easier with your other son there too as you both can chat to him if the other parent is with your other son etc.
I hope it goes well for you.

TesChique · 31/08/2025 17:12

Or, hear me out, you could put your feelings aside for five minutes and acknowledge your son wants his dad there for this momentous part of his life.

Pollyminx3 · 31/08/2025 17:12

I mean if he is there and asks for a lift back, say yes and just take him back to the train station? He came by train so of course he would be going home by train? 😇

Daygloboo · 31/08/2025 17:13

Swiftie1878 · 31/08/2025 17:07

Seriously. What your DS’s dad does is none of your business. How your DS responds to what his dad does is none of your business.
Stop overthinking this, plan what YOU are doing, and let others look after themselves.
Stay in your lane.

Show quote history

Sounds now more and more like you've got lots of unresolved issues around your ex and you are using this to have a go. I'm starting to rhink.you arent that bothered about your sons feelings either. Its all about you.