To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

When dd1 went to university we all went to drop her off (3 siblings including a toddler) and when ds went I went with my now exdh and the youngest now 13. I can't drive for medical reason and ds (ND) really wanted me there so I just sucked it up. I don't think exdh minded as it meant less 'work' for him!
He graduated this year and the night before exdh got annoyed because ds did something to my laptop (which he uses) that had no affect on it and decided we should both go via the train. The graduation was at 0930, about 3 hours away! Anyway he did take us, was incredibly rude to the man sitting next to me but we survived. Dd3 goes to university next year and I've already decided I'm not going with exdh!

I have been in a similar position and it is HARD. But for all the emotional toll on you (and fuck, it is horrible), your DS is leaving his entire life and starting a new one- I'd do absolutely everything I could to make it the most drama-free, supportive experience for him, even if it made things difficult for me. It's a lot for him to be juggling the expectations of both his parents.

You had sex with this man and produced a child. For the sake of that child grow up and suck it up. Jesus, no wonder so many kids end up with mental issues.

I really don't get this modern fanfare of dropping off DCs at uni.

I drove my DD to Kings Cross and she made it to Edinburgh by herself - one suitcase and a backpack.

Can't you just be straight with them both. Just say up front that it is not possible for you to give him a lift back if he come, and that he definitely needs to make his own arrangements including contingency plans if the trains are buggered. I know he's disabled but surely you aren't there all the time to give him lifts so how does he normally cope. Dropping kids off os emotional.and you probably will need to be alone afterwards

It’s up to your son if he wants his dad there but not your responsibility to facilitate or make the arrangements to get him there and back. Plan to do something after drop off, real or not, so you have a reason not to bring him back if asked.

It will be an emotional day for you, your son probably won’t want you to linger. I hope it all goes well for you and he has a wonderful time at university xx

Personally, I'd pack the car so full on the journey up there would be no room for him.

Journey back it will be a simple 'ta ra' before jumping into my car and driving off. He's a grown man he'll have to work out it.

Having gone to university myself it is impossible to do this via public transport. If this was me, I'd never ever forgive you.

Thats childish and pathetic.

You have agreed to drive your DS and his stuff. You will arrive at his uni accommodation and unload the car as fast as possible. You may then have to move the car to longer term parking. If DS2 comes as well then the extra pair of (young, fit) hands could be useful. You don't need to stay to 'set up his room' or help him unpack - he's an adult. We have sometimes stayed for lunch or taken for shopping - household/food.

If DS wants his dad there that is up to him. You do not need to make any suggestions about timings or travel. Remind yourself it's nothing to do with you. If asked to give him a lift simply say "No, I can't do that". Again, your DS is an adult and can make his own arrangements with his father, another adult.

That's all well and good but when you have clothes, toiletries, shoes, duvets, pillows, bedding, pots, pans, cutlery, laundry baskets, etc etc, its not practical to just drop your DC at the train station and let them be on their way. No way my DD could have got all the stuff she needed for her room in halls, and all her clothes and belongings on public transport.

It's his son going to university too, it isn't up to you if he's there or not, much like any other life events of your son's it's up to your son not you who he invites along. You don't have to give him a lift obviously, but you don't have any say on whether he is there or not.

Don't suggest he meets his dad later, this won't work and will infer with the time he should be introducing himself to his new friends and getting to know people. Stop dictating how YOU think the day should go.

There genuinely wasn't when our children went to Uni.So I did get the train to meet up at the halls .

Would your son expect you to give his father a lift?
is he somehow expecting that the three of you will travel together in your car and that you’ll give him a lift back? Try to find out what the expectations are before getting worried about it

Can’t he go and meet him on another day and they can have lunch or something? Surely that would be better for everyone.

Whilst I see that you don’t want to give your children too much info about your relationship with their father, the fact that your adult son thinks that you should spend 4 hours in a car with his dad, suggests that you might have held back a bit too much. Most people this age want to keep their divorced parents entirely separate.

Your ex’s behaviour that is unforgivable- why haven’t you told your son? He’s an adult and should be able to make his own decision whether he wants to have a relationship with his father after having all the facts. I would be really bothered if my mother held back information about my father that would have ended my relationship with him.

So you won’t otherwise be on your own on the drive home having a good cry … DS2 will be there?!?

Absolutely this.Just be honest that you want time on your own driving back.

The, if he’s a good dad to your son, I’d suck it up. It’s not fair on your son if he’d like his dad there-it wasn’t your son’s fault your marriage ended. Can you not keep it civil for a couple of hours? I’m divorced and remarried-both my kids, their dad came too and it wasn’t an issue. But it was nice for the kids to have their dad there to see them off. How would you want them to remember their first day at uni-with their parents proud and happy or aware their parents couldn’t even be in the same car together. When my son graduated, me, their dad and my dh went out the night before-we had a nice night, talked about our son a lot and went our separate ways. But a great memory for our son.

Im sure the OP wasn't planning on sobbing and wailing while driving down the motorway. She probably meant she would drive round the corner, park up have a cry and then carry on like most people do. A bit insulting that you think you need to tell her that.

I've seen two DC through university drop-offs, one at Oxford, meaning drop-offs took place every term, every year. Depending on parking, the process of unloading isn't necessarily all that speedy. But every single time we have departed without ceremony once their possessions are in their room. It's emotional to us, as parents, especially the first time, but functional to most students. Depending on the size of the car, sometimes there's not even room for a third person, never mind a fourth.

No, you can't stop your ex turning up on the day. Of course not. But equally there can be no expectation that you will bring him along. Don't entertain the notion that anything different is acceptable. Your DS can make any arrangements with his father by himself.

You obviously do what BOTH your kids want.. eldest wants his stuff transported and installed and youngest wants to see him off and can help with the fetching and carrying. Father can make his own arrangements as there wont be room in the car going and you and youngest have plans on the way back.
You are helping your kids, not accomodating their part-time father.
If eldest has a problem with that, uni is going to be a tough life-lesson for him.

This is a complicated one. You know, if you've been through abuse and family court, the court would take a very dim view of you being that honest with a child where information would damage their parental relationship. It also could damage their own self view. If I told my son that his Dad abused me in the ways he did, along with the specifics, when he actually has an ok relationship with him, and he's trying to work out who he is as a man, this would damage my son. His Dad is part of who he is.

Yes, you could wait until they're an adult but when. At 18 when off to uni? Then what a bombshell to drop.

It's an awful position to be in.

My ex's behaviour was unforgivable and it is a constant struggle to raise my son with a positive relationship with us both while protecting him from his Dad's terrible view of women and bad influence.

My son knows his Dad didn't treat me well but I couldn't tell him the specifics. Sometimes I feel like I want to buy that would be selfish. It's really hard.

For goodness sake im sure op didn't literally mean she was going drive along sobbing.

They don't have household goods at their destination? Could they not wait for a couple of days for a laundry basket or do a floordrobe?