To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Has your mum had any support?

Op isn’t dictating. She has a right to refuse a lift to anyone, including her ex.

YANBU not to give him a lift, but I don't think anyone has asked or expects this. YWBU to say he can't be there, but I don't think this is what you are saying. Basically what you are doing is fine.

I think OP has been given a very hard time. We’re all entitled to our opinion but there is definitely a nest of vipers here, many of whom seem to have left common sense and practical considerations by the wayside.
OP’s son is going to University. It’s the start of the next chapter in his life, and for her he’s moving away from home and she’ll miss his presence on a daily basis. For his dad nothing much will change other than his son is now being educated in a different place.
The fact that the son has mentioned his dad tells me it’s something he’s been thinking about, but unless he categorically states that he wants him to come along I wouldn’t do anything to facilitate it. Him being there will only add to the stress, and all the more so as he won’t be able to offer much practical help.
On the day tensions will be high. OP’s son will be apprehensive/anxious and she will be stressed. I wonder if all those suggesting that the OP should do the bigger thing and for the sake of the son ask dad to join them have given any thought to what the atmosphere in the car might be like if he’s with them. I can’t imagine that it will be the most relaxed journey for anyone, but especially for the son who will be very aware of the tensions. IMHO he could do without that.
I agree with the OP that even if dad makes his own way there and back, this is not without its problems. Yes, he’s a grown man and can find his own way from the station but arranging a convenient time and place to meet up is yet another worry that OP and especially her son could do without on what is already a stressful day.
I’m a great one for weighing up the pros and cons in any situation and unless OP’s son is adamant that he wants his dad to join them I wouldn’t be mentioning it again. If dad brings the issue up himself so be it, he can make his own arrangements but for me on the basis of what we’ve been told his presence is likely to cause more problems than it’s worth. A visit by him af a convenient time the following week would be much more sensible.
I think that many posters are making the move to university into a much bigger thing than it really is, most students are ready for the move and don’t need or want their parents to hang around for too long once their room has been sorted. For the parent(s) it’s not so easy and I don’t blame the OP for not wanting to share the moment with her ex. No matter whether he travels with her or not he’ll still be there.
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@millymae whilst I agree with you that the ex should visit another time, I'm not sure why it would be stressful to arrange a meeting point. Wouldn't they just meet on campus, either in the room or in reception?

We live in a uni city with central flats everywhere. It's a very very quick drop off at the hall with someone likely staying in the car. And a line of cars waiting. Get all the stuff in the room and then park back at hotel or hourly car park so you can go back and settle dc in.

Quick reply to Nomas ( and bearing in mind my experience of university drop offs only relates to my own and my sisters, both some time ago). It was chaos then on both occasions and I simply can’t imagine having to factor in arranging to meet someone somewhere when there are things to do and no one knows where they are going. It’s time wasted that could be better spent
As I said, if the son is adamant he wants his dad there then the problem would have to be resolved somehow but if he really isn’t bothered whether he’s there or not I don’t see the point of making move in day more complicated than it needs to be. All the more so as it seems dad is not going to be able to do much when he gets there and as a result will just end up being in the way.
Sometimes it seems we spend too much time pontificating about things rather than using our common sense. As I see it, if dad decides he wants to tag along this makes things harder for both the OP (especially so )and her son (if he’s not fussed whether he’s there or not) and it would be simpler all round if he didn’t bother. I may be wrong to say it but dad wishes are the lowest priority here.

I really hope one day you can find it within yourself to have some sort of co parent relationship with your ex. My Mum was the same and it has ruined so many things. Graduation, my children's first birthdays, my wedding, every single Christmas - forced to choose. It taints every single special occasion/life event when your parents can't put you before their own grievances and it's bloody unfair on the kids who have done nothing wrong. Your DS is already telling you he's unhappy with the situation by making this request,and its fair enough. Take the opportunity to show him he doesn't need to choose between you both for times in his life when he wants you both there.

Your son is correct that his father attending is not up to you, just like who goes in YOUR car is nothing to do with him.

When will someone pipe up and explain that DS wouldn’t say to the OP that he wanted his Dad to attend.

OP is clearly not competent at emotional self-regulation and the DS has no doubt learnt a long time ago not to show any approval or acceptance towards Dad in front of Mum.

DS is in fear of how Mum would take any acceptance of Dad as some sort of personal betrayal of what she suffered during and after the marriage.

It’s tragic when children have to hide their true feelings about one parent because the other parent cannot abide any positive opinion of their former spouse.

Nowhere here has the OP had the grace to admit or accept that Dad has done anything positive as a role model, as a father, or as a parent.

That will not have gone unnoticed by DS1 & DS2.

The DS won’t be risking the OP’s wrath by saying anything resembling the truth of how he feels about having his Dad present at Uni.

The phrasing along the lines of “I won’t mention it to Dad but if he mentions it I’ll have to let him know” is a clear statement by the DS that the DS does not feel safe to mention anything about his Dad to the OP.

It is NOT a sign that DS doesn’t want his Dad present.

It’s a beacon that highlights that the OP has created an environment where any opinion about Dad contrary to the OP's opinion of Dad is not tolerated and is received with anger and possibly rejection.

DS will want OP to depart the Uni drop-off quickly so as to ensure that Dad and OP have no risk of encountering each other.

YABU to say he can’t come, that’s not your decision to make as your DS rightly said.
YANBU to say he has to make his own way though

I'd say that if DS wants to decide who travels in the car then he can buy the car and drive it.

Far be it from me defend the OP but I think GreenPinkHold and Saladbrains have been unduly harsh and suggest they read her original post again.
I’m lucky that my parents are happily married and have no real life experience to go on so I’m bowing out of the discussion now.
That said I’m not convinced that Saladbrains is on the right track with her views - it’s a pretty damming attack on the OPs parenting. Isn’t it often said that know alls often know nothing

The dad hasn’t even said he wants to go. OP’s son thinks he might want to, and if that’s the case then he’s not going to tell his dad no.

OP’s not in the position to say he can’t go, even if OP would rather he wasn’t there, and if it’s true that his presence would make things complicated. It’s her son’s decision, and he’ll just have to deal with his father getting in the way if that’s outcome.

You can’t say he can’t come but you def can say you’re not taking him!
I don’t think your ds really appreciates that his dad will likely expect a lift, hence why he’s being so Blaise about it.
make it crystal clear he’s not getting in your car, either way (beware of ex might say he’ll get the train there and blag a lift back!)
could you make (invent) some drop off visits on the way there and back that he def wouldn’t want to go on like shopping or something?

The issues are separate, ex can go but you don’t have to offer a lift.
Hes an ex for a reason and why should you be put on the spot.

Op’s DS is uni age so an adult, and OP is entitled to not have to feel she has to act as a Taxi for the Dad.
We’ve no idea of what’s gone on between OP and ex but suffice to say it sounds like the relationship is frosty at best.
Adult kids wanting to be Molly coddled like their still needy children are very annoying.

Do you think there's more to your parents' split than you've been told?

Your son could make his own way there! Many students did in my day. Not everyone's parents could drop them off and shed tears. Not sure when going to university became a family day out.

Wow, this thread gets more and more distorted!
its not DS’s call to deny or offer a lift in OP’s car!!

I dont see the issue here. You have already made it clear to DS that you dont want to give exH a lift. Your DS accepted this. He isnt even planing on inviting exH.

So if the topic does get brought up between exH and DS your DS knows how to answer any question on logistics. You can come dad, but you need to make your own way there and back. OK? Job jobbed, problem solved.

The day is not yours, its your sons. Try not to overcomplicate it because it sounds like you might have troubles with him living so far away so dont start on the back foot.

For the record i didnt vote as i see you as being unreasonable and not unreasonable. If exH has been horrible, hell would freeze over before i allowed him to spend a 4 hour round trip in my car.

Wow - I wish I had your confidence. Are you really so absolutely sure that this is the situation? No little niggle in your (salad?) brain that says actually I don't know this woman and am accusing her of being a shit parent based on a few posts on the internet? Do you think you might be projecting? That's all I can think when people misrepresent, twist and add to what has been written, with a clear agenda.

As I have already mentioned, ds finds it a lot easier to be straight with me and tell me how it is than he does his dad. He would never say to his dad, for example, 'it's not up to you,' as he has said to me about this matter. Ever. When my dc play up/are cheeky to me, I have on occasion said, 'Do you speak to your dad like this?' and once got the reply, 'No but we're not as close,' so I take that as a compliment! I know that if ex says he wants to come, ds will find it vey difficult/impossible to say no, even if it doesn't really fit with how the day goes, which several people on here have agreed with me might well be the case. I definitely don't take that to mean he doesn't want him there - I think in principle he genuinely doesn't mind either way - but I'd be very surprised if he desperately wants him there.

And I'm sorry, but you don't know my ex. As a role model he genuinely is pretty rubbish and I honestly think he would say the same. As a father he really hasn't been great on a practical level but, as I said, he's got better as they've got older and I know he loves them and they love him, and I've said that to them many times when the relationship has wobbled.

They know we don't get on and I'm not going to say that I've handled every situation perfectly and found the perfect words to say every time, but I don't badmouth him and they aren't afraid to say anything positive about him. I've encouraged them to see his side when they've been pissed off with him, which used to happen frequently but has eased as they've got older.

I don't know why I felt the need to justify myself and I really shouldn't bother, but I've typed it now so I'm posting it, but really, maybe you should open yourself up to the possibility that you know all about strangers' lives and relationships when you've never even met.

Surely people can't just bring loads of relatives for moving in day?!

When my Son started at Uni he was only allowed to bring 1 person and their name needed to be on the list. So . . . maybe go with that?

It's tricky, and I totally get where you're coming from, my DH and I were separated at the time but, we put our differences aside for our Son. And guess what? we survived!

Sadly I know every gory detail and yes my Mother had every right to be aggrieved but short of DV I honestly believe there is no excuse. This comes from a place of lifelong emotional anguish. If you have children with someone unfortunately you are stuck with them and you need to find a way to make it easier for your unwittingly involved children

My Son went to Greenwich. His halls were at Cutty Sark. It was nightmarish. Very busy, resident permit street - some leeway given by traffic wardens - we had a strict time slot but they had staff on hand to help carry stuff to the rooms.

So we literally dropped everything off and had to go find a car park. We had a bite to eat together to celebrate his new life 😂 then left him to it.