To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Can you not be honest? Just say that the return journey would be too difficult and could he make his own way back? Not unreasonable I dont think

Can you not be honest? Just say that the return journey would be too difficult and could he make his own way back? Not unreasonable I dont think

@THEDEACON because she has a right to have clear boundaries and not to have to re-live the trauma of his shitty behaviour by providing him with a lift.

I don’t think you can or should stop him from coming but I wouldn’t drive him either. If he can make his own way, fine. Could he be useful though and help with lifting etc?

As you barely speak to the ex tell son to tell him to get the train if he wants to come. In my experience when you arrive it’s all very hectic unpacking and there will be a shared kitchen where dc will meet others getting stuff sorted. When I took my second ds to uni he was quite nervous about it but within an hour or so he had arranged to go and watch sport in the student union bar with his new housemates and asked me when I was going! Please don’t be sad, they are home again before you know it.

Your son said its not up to you and that is the answer

Can he go in your car. You decide

Maybe we should get there early, set up the room and then go for lunch and then I go and he arrives after that.

OP this (from your earlier post) is a great plan. Given your DS has said he isn’t going to raise it, and therefore it’s all hypothetical at this point, just make the best plans for you.

Do the above, and let DS know you’ll head off straight after an early lunch. IF your ex does call DS the night before or morning of, it will be on him (your DS) to fit him into the day. It’s likely your ex would arrive after lunch (so after you leave) or even just at lunch time, in which you can say “well finish eating and leave, and you can meet your father”, meaning no contact for you. Even on the off chance there is some cross-over, and he asks for a lift, you can say briskly “ah! No room, and of course you only just got here! We’ll be off and let you have some father-son time.” And launch into goodbyes.

Gently - DS is creating this situation, you have warned him against it, and he has rightly said it’s his decision to make. But that also comes with him baring the consequences of that. So if having his Dad around proves to be annoying, then that’s a life lesson for DS and perhaps next time he’ll better understand why you thought it better the not be there, and make that choice next time. On the other hand, it could all work out well with you in the morning and him in the afternoon, and DS could be right. But this is one of those things as a young adult that DS will have to learn - sometimes by making mistakes - and you need to be there for support and guidance, but not to stop it when he has expressed his valid view.

he can be at drop off, if DS wants that’s his right. However you have every right to say he can’t come along in your car.

I agree it’s about DS but I also think it’s a bit about you and DS2. Your day to day lives will be changed, and it’s perfectly normal for you both to want to go, and to find it a difficult day. Maybe you’d find it a comfort to have DS2 with you?
It’s acceptable not to want it made more difficult by someone you don’t get on with.
I think DS is old enough to get that? And it’s your car!

Ex ‘I’d like to come to drop off’
DS ‘sure. This is the address. We’ll be arriving around [insert time]. We’ll be sorting my room for an hour or two, maybe having a quick cuppa/lunch, and then I’ll be getting settled and meeting people from [insert time]. Everyone needs to leave by [insert time]. I’m sure it goes without saying that you’ll need to make your own travel arrangements. It will be a very busy few hours - I won’t be able to meet you at the station.’

you shouldn’t be involved at all. It’s between DS and his dad. If at any point he tries to guilt trip for a lift etc. I wouldn’t even respond.

depending on history and how far it is and if it’s not out of your way too much, I would maybe consider dropping him off at the station on the way home but that really would only be rhetorical case if all goes well on the day - I certainly wouldn’t feel obliged to.

huge congrats to you all - and best of luck to your DS

I get you totally. Ex DH hasn't actually said he wants to come yet, has he?
I wouldn't mention it again and if DS says his dad wants to come...just say what time you are aiming to be there but state quite clearly that there will be no car sharing. You don't have to give a reason....just no.
These drop offs are pretty quick...I've done it a number of times....you just carry all their stuff to their rooms and then they are usually itching to see the back of you to start settling in and meeting people.
Just do you.....let his dad do what he wants but make it very clear that you are not giving him a lift.
As Mumsnet loves to say - No is a full sentence.

Stop being tempted to be "nice" at your own expense when there's no need. DS didn't say "I wish Dad could be there", he said HIS DAD MIGHT want to come. And ex IS perfectly capable of getting there and back by train. If he moans about the trains being a nightmare, play obtuse with something like "yes, they can be - but since you had trouble on the way in, fingers crossed it's a smooth trip back home!" You obviously feel strongly about NOT driving him home, for reasons that make logical sense. You know what you're capable of far better than anyone here. So DON'T offer to drive him, and say no if he asks. MAYBE have an excuse if you don't feel confident that your "no" is enough (it is). But you might be overthinking your excuses - e.g., if you said you had suddenly had a bad headache and wanted to check in to a hotel, how could ex know that you didn't plan to get up early and make it back in time to teach? I'd also take DS2 since he really wants to go and you and DS1 don't mind; your household making a trip together doesn't mean ex has to ride with you when there's another alternative.

As for the person upthread who thinks we'd howl if a man declined to give his female ex a lift: nope. Not if there's good train service and ex is capable and comfortable taking trains, as is the case here. We tend to infantilise disabled people and even just non-drivers in general, but OP's ex has learned to get around by himself despite his disability Good for him; let him get on with it. IF DS had wanted his dad there and there were no trains, then sure, I can see an argument that OP does her ex a favour for their son's sake even if it's at her expense, but that's a completely different situation.

He’s not telling you what you can be involved in though?

Really, you’re dealing with other adults. Let them be, and you just do you.

She doesn't need to. No-one has asked her to give her ex a lift.
She has proactively said she doesn't want to (which is a wise move) but no-one has challenged that, and they are unlikely to.

Because she has the absolute right NOT to have someone who makes her uncomfortable in her own car.

AND because it's the stupidest compromise you could possibly think of:

1. It's indefensible to offer someone a lift one way but not the other (real dick territory)
2. It's impractical, the car will be full of ds1's stuff on the way there (but much emptier on the way back)

If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would

Don’t offer him lifts for a graduation either. Don’t muddy the waters. Draw an immovable line in the sand.

If he wanted chummy lifts from his ex-wife post-divorce, he should have treated you better.

My parents did not speak for the last 17 years of my mum’s life. Including that fun, fun time at my uncle’s funeral where they sat opposite each other at the purvey and not a word nor glance was exchanged. It was awkward, but I understood.

Your son will need to get used to your boundaries. It’s a good lesson for offspring that they can’t treat their spouses in any old shitty way they choose, then expect favours afterwards.

with your son in the front seat and the back seats down there will be no romnin the car also your son perhaps needs to be a bit more aware of some of the reasons and how you feel about your ex. Howeve4, he may want his dad to be part of his moving in day.
So here-'s my suggestion.
sit down with son. explain there's two reasons why his dad can't come in the car. 1) logistics..the car will be waybill of his stuff with the seats down and simply no room for his dad.
2) The reasons you and his dad split up are painful and unpleasant and you've kept the worst of it from him so as not to poison his relationship with his dad. You don't want to.go into details but you couldn't spend a whole day with the ex, and he wouldn't ask that of you if he knew everything and so.its a no to sharing the day
3) You understand he would like his dad or his dad would like to be part of his day. Why don't the tw9.of you travel down and unpack. Dad can get the train/ bus over from where he lives to.halls and can help him unpack and take him for dinner later ? That way the both of you can be part of the day, but not together ?

That is what I did.

I used to work in Halls of Residence alongside my degree. We encouraged parents to drop their child (including helping them take everything to their room) and then leave. It won't be a fun, social, family-time experience for parents. More like drop-and-go. Not sure what point there is in having two parents do it. From memory, most (if not all) students just had the one parent to drive them and a car full of their belongings.

Stop catastrophing about what may happen and just lay out the ground rules with your DS.
If his Dad wants to come he can, but he has to make his own way there and back and he doesn’t have any rights to dictate to you the order of the day or plans.
Simple
But I also think you need to tell your DS about your history with his Dad, good or bad, as he’s old enough now to know

I helped drop my GCs off in city uni’s. We were given a half hour slot for a parking space, and had to have them unloaded, and the car moved within that half an hour.

It does get frantic, and the more help you have, the better.

If you can park elsewhere, then you can come back and meet up with them.

It’s fair enough if your DS wants his dad there, but is absolutely not reasonable for anyone to expect you to provide exH transport. If he has form for getting his own way (a lift home in this case) then I think I’d just find out where the nearest train station, and drive him there if he tries that.

I also think that part of the university experience is about learning to navigate life and relationships, so perhaps if you just mentally frame this as part of that process. If you say no, your DS1 needs to understand to respect your boundaries, and accept that it’s a no. That being said, I think I’d lean in to the fact that is all going to be be very busy and hands on, so practically DS2 to would be able to help more, and wouldn’t it be nicer to have a visit from his DF to look forward to when he has settled in.

Not your choice as to whether ex attends, but not your job to facilitate him getting there. Definitely NBU to that, but YABU to say he can't attend.

I wouldn’t want my ex in the car either @stripycats and I suspect anyone horrified that you would refuse doesn’t have an ex husband and see the world from their ivory towers.

I would explain to your son - since he’s old enough - that you don’t want to be his dads taxi driver - he can make his own way there if he wants to go - but he’s old enough to understand there might be more to your divorce and his behaviour that he isn’t aware of and leave it at that

I love how nowadays a lot of MNers read the OP, completely disregard it, and then add their own spin on it!
@stripycats I was in the exact same position as you last year.
Firstly, is moving in day on a weekend? My son moved in on the Saturday before Freshers Week. If so that would make it easier for you to be able to stay overnight.
And secondly, you don't owe your ex anything, not a lift, time or conversation. Your DCs would be far better to see their DM standing up for themselves. You don't have to go into details, just a simple "I won't put you in that position, but I have my reasons for not wanting him in the car/saying no to him". If your ex brings it up, would your DS agree to tell him that of course he can come but he'd have to find his own way there and back?

This part is slightly U, you can’t say he shouldn’t be there, especially if your DS doesn’t mind.
However, you can definitely refuse to give him a lift.

My advice would be to stop trying to control how things will work out, you know what your plans are, don’t offer lifts even if son/ex try to guilt trip you and if asked directly you can say no, sorry, I’m not comfortable with that.