To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Some people have been very unkind here. We don’t know the full story of why OP feels as she does.

I grew up with parents who couldn’t be in the same room as each other. And yes, it did upset me at the time, but once I knew the full story( and going through a similar break up myself) I understood it.

My ex has done some truly unforgivable things. Some of which I wish I had gone to the police over. I have chosen to remain on good terms with him for my daughter. It’s given me less stress but only because I have been through therapy and while I won’t forgive, I have chosen to move on. The key part here is choice. My daughter is convinced we are still a couple (despite having separate houses and living nearly 200 miles apart) because we get on so well. That took years to get to that point.

You never have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm, OP. You can put in boundaries.

I would tell your son you are offering him a lift and to help unpack. You don’t have a problem with your ex being there, as he is your father, but you will not be offering lifts back and forth.

Your son is an adult now and needs to make adult choices. If that means he throws a wobbly and refuses to let you drive, then okay. Find an alternative way up there. Yes, it will be sad but you are also entitled to peace.

Disagree entirely

But she did it for the love and sake of her children, irrespective of their age

You are not being unreasonable.Happily divorced with both ds's with me 80% of the time.Have dropped both of them off when the time came on my own
You honestly won't have room in the car on the way there and when you do get there it is quite hectic.Getting everything out,unpacked and set up for them.Depending on the university the social committee or whatever may come and gather them up and take them for some orientation so there usually isn't a chance to linger.
After the initially drop off my exh did sometimes collect during term time or drop back off again.He also never did the big pick up and clear out at the end of the year because no space in care for 3 people and you just want to get packed and get gone.

You are not being unreasonable.Happily divorced with both ds's with me 80% of the time.Have dropped both of them off when the time came on my own
You honestly won't have room in the car on the way there and when you do get there it is quite hectic.Getting everything out,unpacked and set up for them.Depending on the university the social committee or whatever may come and gather them up and take them for some orientation so there usually isn't a chance to linger.
After the initially drop off my exh did sometimes collect during term time or drop back off again.He also never did the big pick up and clear out at the end of the year because no space in care for 3 people and you just want to get packed and get gone.

tough situation. It’s not unreasonable but big picture.

Your kid asked so clearly wants dad there for a big milestone.

can you suck it up for one day for your kid?

and I know you have probably been sucking it up for more times than you can remember so either way good luck x

She has been my stepmum since I was 5. I love her and wanted her there. My mum wouldn't have wanted anyone to prioritise her feelings over mine (in fact, they probably did check with her. I know my stepmum was careful to ask permission for things to do with my wedding and after my first child was born)

She was wrong for having an affair with a married man (though more of the blame lies with my dad, naturally) but she was a really good step mum. Life isn't black and white.

If the son wants his dad there, on what is a big event for him, then that’s absolutely up to him. And so on this point no op’s feelings do not really come into account. Unless there is DV/abuse and that’s the reason then the sin should know these things to be aware why she can’t be around him.

The son or dad just can’t expect OP to be the one taking him to and from the city. But it doesn’t sound like that has been proposed yet she is just wanting to make sure that’s not an option.

That's nice. But sometimes it's nice to remember that our parents are only human too, with real, valid feelings no?

Not wanting to be in the same room as someone who abused you doesn't make you a bad parent.

Sure, but those feelings aren’t always going to be prioritized on someone else’s, specifically their chid’s, day.

The original post about whether to offer Dad a lift or not has been entirely concocted in your head.

You’ve made it clear that Dad hasn’t thrown anything your way on the subject you posted about.

If Dad asks, and it is merely conjecture that he may ask, just say “no”. End of story.

The rest is all of your own dramatisation.

How do you not see that?

How about giving this much time and attention to the balance you need to show your sons?

Why not post here asking for guidance on that, instead of the time wasted on posting about your imagined problem?

Prioritised? Not necessarily. Basic consideration and empathy shouldn't be beyond anyone.

Including the parent who can have basic consideration and empathy for their child on their child’s day.

On the strict understanding that ex takes responsibility for his own travel, it would be unreasonable to say he can't come. Be prepared to harden your nose if those last minute excuses come up, that's all.

Good god woman, get a grip! You're actively looking for problems.

Let your ex make his own travel arrangements. If/when he arrives at the station, ds texts him your location and he gets a taxi/Uber. If in the meantime you move on, text him the new location.

As for the far-fetched rubbish about his train being cancelled/delayed ... really?!? How likely is that? And if it does happen it's not your problem. You can make up an excuse if you want ("there's no room", "I'm going somewhere else first"), or just say "you're not welcome in my car".

As others have said, stop making this day about you. You need to focus on your son, who will (I hope) be excited and not at all sad.

You don't need to offer him a lift or justify why you don't want to - he's your ex and you owe him nothing. If he asks it's just "no, that doesn't work for me" and leave it at that.

YABVU thinking that you can dictate who does and doesn’t come to your son’s university move in day he has two parents. Can you imagine if your ex said that you weren’t ‘allowed’ to come?

.....'thanks for thinking of me but no, I won't be giving you a lift .'

Which parent? The abusive one or the one who did the vast majority of actual parenting?

It's not your decision whether he comes or not, but you don't have to offer him a lift. I think it might be an idea to give your DS the background to why you are not happy about this- he must be 18 and is therefore quite old enough to hear difficult truths.

It would be a bit odd wouldn't it since I'm the only one who can drive (not ex's fault) and it's in my house that 90% of ds's stuff is, including everything that I have bought him for university. No contribution from ex - that is something he can take ownership for. I appreciate this doesn't give me the right to dictate what happens on the day, but it does make comments like, 'what if ex says you can't come,' somewhat irrelevant. Even if that weren't the case, I would still feel that the parent who has picked and chosen which bits of parenting he does and how often certainly doesn't get to tell the other parent what they can and can't be involved in.

Yabu youre making this all about you Why cant you compromise and let your sons Dad travel with you there but refuse to drive him back

I think you need to come clean with DS. Explain why his dad is welcome to meet you there but why you cannot offer him a lift.

it’s time.

Overdoing the sanctimony just a smidge aren’t you

Am I? Goodness me.