To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Son has said he wouldn’t deny his dad a lift.

That to me would mean he should acknowledge to the OP that he knows how difficult this is for the her and appreciates her efforts. Not telling his dad he's not welcome.

You can of course threaten not to take him if his father goes, but you would have to be prepared for him to call your bluff and organize going alone.

Well that's the very last thing I would do, @InterIgnis and I don't know what I've said to make you think that I might. Ds has said it's not up to me (fair enough) but he's also said he won't be bringing it up with his dad. I know because he has told me that he finds it far easier to say no to me than he does to his dad. Sorry if that contradicts the version of our relationship you have in your head.

Did he? Well luckily it's not his choice to make.

No, he didn’t. He said he wouldn’t tell his dad he can’t be there.

“I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine”

He hasn't said that, he said he won't say he can't come but he's fine with me not offering a lift.

I'm not saying he has to bar his father.

I think that’s very sad.

You’re expecting your mum/women to swallow very bitter pills ‘for tge sake of their dc/you’ wo one thought for how it will have felt for her.
But rather you’re insisting that she should have felt guilty first expressing the fact she wasn’t confortable about the Affair partner, sorry your stepmum to be there.
Al, tge ‘just be the bigger person, never mind you were the victim’

All that for an event that is NOT a family event, is chaos and actually do not need 3 adults there. (Can you imagine if your mum had a there too and all 4 of them wanted to be there?!?) Never mind it’s very likely that it’s the mum who did the heavy lifting to help you/any student get ready for Uni. They would ALL get a pat on the back on how helpful and supportive they’ve been. Right …..

What he's reported as having said is that he wouldn't tell his dad he can't come, which is not quite the same as not denying his dad a lift.

Son cannot actually offer a lift to the dad, since he is not the owner nor the driver of the car.

Ok but what did you mean? Sorry if it seems like I'm being dense but I just found it a bit ambiguous and am quite tired!

I have no idea whether you would or you wouldn’t. Stating that it’s an option available to you doesn’t mean that I think it’s one you would, or indeed wouldn’t, choose.

No of course it’s very different - as is a wedding very different again.

My point was OP said she would make it work for those events seeing them as more significant - but for DS it is significant and he wants both of them to be there.

I just said about making it work in the same way as she would for those other events. I never said anything about driving her ex.

Just with regards to the lift and how his mother, who's done 80% of his upbringing might feel being in such proximity to a man who treated her so badly, whether that's his father or not. A bit of awareness and thought wouldn't go amiss.

I've never shared the finer details with my eldest about what a horror her father was to be married to, but she understands enough to be mindful of my feelings.

This

When I started uni my friend/flatmate had divorced parents. On the day we moved up there my friends mum and her friend brought her up and moved her in and then her dad and his partner came up the following weekend for a day with bits she had forgotten or realised she needed. Could his dad plan a visit for the following weekend?

So your son hasn’t asked his Dad to come.

His Dad hasn’t asked to come.

If he did come there’s straightforward and reliable train links and he uses the train all the time.

But you’re panicking that he’s going to manufacture an excuse to get a life home with you? For a trip he hasn’t asked to come on and hasn’t been asked to come on? And you think you should tell him he can’t come on this trip he isn’t coming on?

Yes YABU.

Ok thanks.
I totally agree with you about the lift but it still seems to be a bit of a non issue because OPs ds has seemingly respected her wishes and given no indication that he's going to ask OP to provide one to his father.

Having dropped off 3 sons at university, I can tell you they were more keen on meeting their new flat mates, speaking to the club and group reps etc and really didn't want us hanging around.
You absolutely do not have to offer your ex a lift. If your ex wants to be there, that is for him to organise but i fear it will be a wasted journey and he would be better waiting a month, when your son is settled in and would appreciate a free meal.

To me, Ex is wasting his time. It’s a long way to go when the entire purpose is to unpack and leave. I’ve had lots of friends where there is zero hanging about. My own uni accommodation was out of town so there was a lot less hurry, now closed the equivalent is right in town and you need to be in and out asap.

He would be much much better waiting a few weeks, booking a hotel in the city, taking him out for dinner. Beneficial to everyone.

My friend had a useless ex, never helped with activities or taking the kids anywhere, bare minimum. Then eldest goes to uni and he wanted to be the one to take him, she put her foot down and said no, she wanted to make sure it was done properly/he had everything he needed.

YANBU. There’s no way I’d tolerate my ex-H in my car for even a minute let alone a journey of that length. If he wants to go he has to make his own way there and back. You just need to be firm about that and ensure your DS understands that you will not accommodate his father in your car for any part of the journey there or back, regardless of any transport issues that may arise.

With both my sons there is no way I could fit a third person in the car, it was filled to the rafters with all the stuff they couldn't live without.
The actual drop off was a queue of cars dropping off, I stayed in the car whilst my son emptied the car.
A total of 25 minutes!!!

@Overthewaytwice did acknowledge it would be an emotional day for you OP.

It’s the same on all these occasions, though, what about DC birthday? It’s the day we gave birth to them!

It doesn’t change what your DS said and the sentiment of “it’s not up to you”, because it’s his milestone.

You cannot put the blame in your DS that you are not strong enough to just say "no" to a lift, no excuse needed.

Hid dad has the right, and apparently the will, to be there. Making chitchat with him is not your responsibility. How he gets there and back is not your responsibility. But it IS your responsibility to say a clear NO if he asks to be given a lift. So pull on your big girl pants and stop whining and putting pressure on your DS. He wants both of you there.

I have a friend that had an awful husband and several chn with him When she left him her chn were young and she didn’t want them to know what he had done to her. She has to put up with them inviting him to family occasions but she won’t explain because she doesn’t want to spoil their image of him. She makes herself ill with the stuff she has to just swallow for the sake of them. It is not ok.

First day at Uni and independence is just as big a deal as the daughter of graduation, getting married, first child etc. You got divorced fine but that didn't stop you both from have to co-parent till the day one or both of you die. 'Cause that is how long parenting lasts. It even lasts through grandchildxevents, key birthdays in adulthood, engagements, first housewarming. You're going to have to learn to develop being around each other civilly for hours or full days at a time. I. afraid that what you signed up for when you had a child. If you can't cope with each other in a car then just say that.
It's not your child's job to know why you can't exist together. Honestly emotionally kids aren't adult till mid 20's. it's not their job to deal with the relationship (even historic) relationship issues of their parents at any age TBH.