To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Oh your mum would’ve been uncomfortable for sure but she no doubt swallowed it for you. This is not ok.

That's great @Overthewaytwice , but I think it a bit of a shame your stepmum didn't have the sensitivity not to attend the drop-off. Like I've said, other events are different. Both she and your dad could have considered how your mum would feel.

It sounds like you are jumping the gun a bit as you say your DS hasn’t asked him yet. If he can’t drive is he very mobile? When I took my son last year it was bloody hard work as the lifts were broken and couldn't park anywhere close. I would suggest that it might be an idea if Dad came to visit in a week or two for lunch and that the physical nature of the moving in might be difficult for him.

You might want to have a little cry on the way home and can understand why you wouldn’t want him in the car. But just a heads up - it is not the end they come back as I have found!

Of course it’s ‘okay’. The poster’s mother recognized that the day was about her daughter, not her.

And swallowed her feelings. I think chn of 18 anre old enough to understand.

Overthewaytwice wanted her father and stepmother there. She’d have been gutted if they hadn’t been. Why is the mother putting her daughter first a worse outcome than her daughter being gutted?

I am unsure how "He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come" really means "DS wants his dad there". DS seems to me not to give a tuppenny one whether his dad is there or not, from that and his not being concerned that his disabled dad won't be getting a lift.

If we heard the reasons the divorce happened, my bet is people would have been lining up to tell OP to LTB.

Stepmothers that cheated with the father??? Err no. Stay at home.

Exactly

I don’t think you’re BU not wanting him there or wanting him in your car.

As others have said you can’t say he can’t be there, leave that to DS, but you can say you’re not driving him.

I think instead of making up excuses etc, just say ‘no I can’t give a lift, I’m not comfortable with that’

I think in this case your DS's feelings trump yours. If DS wants him there then he should be. It is not your DS fault that his parents separated.

I'm not comfortable with all the insistence on this thread, crystallised by @Overthewaytwice , that this day has NOTHING to do with parents AT ALL. Obviously it is a big day all round but all this, 'it's not about you,' is a bit off, imo. It is a bit about parents who live with their dc full-time when they leave home and go on to the next stage. It absolutely doesn't make manipulation or emotional blackmail ok, and the child's feelings are very important, but I think a bit of consideration for others is important too.

It's not up to you.
Don't give him a lift, put your child's feelings before your own, you picked his father, he had no choice.

OP said her ex regularly gets trains and other public transport. Cant see why the ds would be any more fazed about his dad doing it on this occasion than any other.

Yes, on a day about her daughter. What was wrong with that? Parents are old enough to understand that the relationship their child/ren have with their other parent is a separate thing to the one they have with their ex.

Someone that make their children’s important moments and events all about them runs the very real risk of finding themselves the ones ultimately excluded.

I feel quite sorry for your mum. That can't have been much fun for her.

MN did hear at the time and since now and again as different issues have arisen (different usernames) and, yes, LTB was the consensus - or, to be precise don't try to stop the bastard from leaving you (me)!

This is it. If he's a big enough boy to be going away to uni he's old to understand that other people's feelings matter too.

Nobody is saying the father shouldn’t be there but he has no right to be given a lift by his ex wife.

@stripycats I've not read all the replies but just wanted to reply to say I get it.
Will be in a similar position.
I've often given ExH lifts to kids events, but do not want my private space between dropping off DC1 and returning home to DC2 to be invaded by ExH.
Will have to see what DC1 says in terms of ex attending drop off, but it's going to be a no to lift home and ex will claim to not understand why.

You aren’t required to feel comfortable about it in order for it to be true. Your son has told you that if wasn’t up to you. You can think it is, but you can’t insist that he considers what you want over and above what he and his father may want.

You can of course threaten not to take him if his father goes, but you would have to be prepared for him to call your bluff and organize going alone.

Who said he did? He hasn’t even asked for one. This is OP imagining that he might.

You are not being unreasonable if anything your son is. Why’d he want to put you through a drive back home with the man that’s caused you upset and harm before. It would be totally different if you didn’t have to sit in your own car with him on the way home alone. Never mind suffer the entire journey there and back. So no you’re 100% not being unreasonable and it’s not like your child is a toddler or unable to understand the concept

This with bells on!

I think you seem very hung up with how upset you are going to be on the day. You’re sending a presumably healthy, happy young adult off to uni. Why not focus on that?

Yes, it will be a change day to day, but DS isn’t dying.