To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Similar scenario many moons ago when I went to university. My parents were on non speaking terms and also going through a court process re child maintenance. Despite this they got over themselves and both took me to move into university and put me first which is what I’d urge you to do to your son. Unless you divorced for abuse related reasons and you feel unsafe in the rare event you need to drive him back then I think YABU to deny your son to have his dad coming. If trains don’t work there’s also national express etc that may work depending on location.

He has not asked for a lift.

He hasn’t communicated with her at all.

The problem is all in the OP’s mind.

I agree. And I don’t think she should even suggest her ex can’t go but it is within her power to keep the boundary of no lift.

Why “distraught”, I’m a highly sentimental person and I don’t think I’d tell my child I was “distraught” about them leaving. It’s his day to start uni he doesn’t need to be worrying about his mother. Yes, there is sadness in kids growing up but given today’s economy he’ll probably at least be home for his summers if not also after uni. He’s starting uni, it’s a good thing!

OP doesn’t get on with their ex, understandable, she just needs to say no lift, end of.

Don’t make excuses just say no if he asks for a lift. Back in my day it was a case of help carry boxes to your room then pop to supermarket to buy snacks and drinks for room and then go. Your son will want to be meeting other people there ideally so not sure his dad rocking up later is ideal but up to your son I suppose. Visiting a couple of weeks later would be better I’d have said? It’s a long train journey to watch you both carry boxes and leave.

Thats emotional manipulation. Which so many adults face because of the dysfunction of their parents.

It’s completely unreasonable (and terrible parenting) to ruin your son’s first day at uni by attempting to stop your ex from coming - which it seems like you are trying to do.

In the unlikely event that your ex tries to get a lift back with you, there is a very simple, English word which is “No”. He can’t complain about travelling by train if he came up on one. And if there are any problems, he can sort them out (stay in hotel, whatever). Don’t see how on earth you’d be put in a situation where you had to give him a lift.

I have to say, 'Unreasonable'.
This is a special day for your child. It isn't about you. It isn't about your ex.
Step over it and make the effort for your child so they can have a good memory of the day.
Offer a lift to your ex, don't wait to be asked. Be generous, be the better person, rise above your anger and put the child first.
You and ex once got on well enough to produce the child so maybe you can be adult enough to offer your ex a lift home and while away the journey with polite conversation or the radio? Perhaps your ex is just as apprehensive but you have the answer ready; a big smile and "Not today...this is their day.....".
Best wishes.

I’m sure her son would be thrilled by OP making his day about her feelings.

He could of course turn around and tell her not to worry herself at all, and that he’d rather just make his own way there.

What could be an even better idea is for OP to accept what her son has already told her, that whether his father is there or not is nothing to do with her.

I'm not sure I'm understanding the question correctly. But it's not unreasonable to deny extending a lift to your ex. You two don't have that kind of relationship and it would put you at difficulty to share space with him on what is already an emotionally fraught day. I'd be very clear with my child about that boundary. Kind but firm. If dad wants to make his way there and back on his own that's fine but you won't be extending a ride to him under any circumstances.

Can you find a lovely place nearby that you can say you're going to for a long walk to clear your head after dropping ds off? That would be my response if asked to drive ex home. A country park or National Trust place? Or a huge shopping centre?

You don't have to go there but that would be my ready excuse if I needed one.

No way would I be driving him under any circumstances. Unless maybe he was dying and I needed to take him to hospital.

You don't get to choose if your ex goes or not - that is up to DS. That also includes making any meeting arrangements - not your circus, down to the two of them (and make sure DS knows this and is on board). It is down to you who does and doesn't travel in your car, all you say to both sons "I will be polite to your dad if he shows, but I won't be taking him either there or back in my car". Stop overthinking! And have a good drop off day - it is rewarding and heart wrenching at the same time.

Being practical it’s useful to have as many hands as possible to do the carrying on the day, but my experience of drop off (my own and my sisters as dad was working and couldn’t change his shift) is that they are chaotic and not the time for a look around or a prolonged stay.
It may be things are more regimented nowadays and not so rushed but in your circumstances I wouldn’t be keen to forgo space in the car just so his dad can do the drop off with you. Although your son seems keen for him to be there now it may well be that he wont want either of you to hang around too long anyway once he’s actually there.
Could he perhaps arrange to meet his dad later in the week for a drink

Some genuinely awful responses here. There are exes and there are EXES. The ones who are abusive, who made your life hell, who wrecked your mental health. I have one of those, and while we can be civil on the very, very rare occasions we're in each other's company, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I never clapped eyes on him again.

OP, I can feel your panic in your posts, and I get it, and I get why you're overthinking it all. Do not feel bad about not giving him a space in your car, at all. If he wants to go, he can get himself there and back.

But if the ds doesn't want to do that and would rather have his dad there on the day that also needs to be respected.

Obviously with no lifts being given.

But OP has already said that her ex can't carry much and isn't good at walking

YABU and very unfair on your son.
Son"s wellbeing comes first, however hard that is for you.
If I sound harsh, I have been there and got the t-shirt

I’m sad for the pupils you teach for the example you blindly and clearly un-self-awarely show them.

Gosh, I was starting to reflect on myself there and then you came out with this, which is utterly ridiculous @Saladbrains, and just made me laugh. You must be projecting to be so sure that that my sons have 'been deeply affected' by my bitterness - you have no idea how hard I have worked to ensure they have been able to maintain a relationship with their dad, including keeping to myself the worst of his actions. There have been times when both dc have been very reluctant to see ex and I did my best to support the relationship then, putting in more work than he ever has.

He has found them easier the older they have got, which is good, and they have a decent enough relationship with him now. I am still convinced it's ex's feelings on the matter ds is most concerned with, rather than mine or, more importantly, his own.

Also, I notice more and more these days that women on here are blamed for not knowing that the 'man they chose to have children with' would turn out to be a less than ideal father, partner, or human being. The little dig about that did not go unnoticed, in yours and some other posters' comments. I chose to have children with him but that doesn't mean I had a crystal ball and now have to put up with anything he throws my way.

OP do you have an arrival slot scheduled yet?

When I dropped DS1 at university we had to book an arrival slot, and were meant to be in and out within about an hour. In reality the halls had a massive car park, so most people stayed much longer as there was plenty of space.
We arrived at lunch time, had a quick McDonald’s, then went in. Then it took about 30 minutes for DS to get his key etc, as of course there are queues at the registration point.

Then we unloaded his stuff and sorted his room out, put pictures up, made the bed etc. That probably took about 1.5 hours. There were other students and parents in his corridor doing the same thing.
Then (as it was self catering) we went to the nearby Tesco and did a big shop.

By this time it was probably around 5ish, and the various students in DS’s corridor and the one next door were talking about going to the bar. So at that point I left.

It’s all quite full on, with students and parents all like rabbits in headlights, trying to hold it together and navigate this momentous change.

If your ex is keen to be involved, I would suggest you try and get a morning check-in. You can then do all the unpacking, shopping etc, and then you could leave. Your ex could then come and see DS in his new room, maybe take him out for a late lunch or early tea, and DS would be back in his room in time for the first night out.

Good luck whatever you do. It’s such an emotional time. I was determined DS wouldn’t see me cry, so I held it together till I got in the car. I pulled myself together quickly though, and as I drove home (3.5 hours) I remember thinking how glad I was that I had DS2 to go home to. I’m a single parent and going back to an empty house would have been hard.

THANK YOU

I’m totally on your side and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. My ex abused me and every time he comes to our sons events, I don’t want him there because it makes all the happy memories negative as I cannot enjoy myself as I’m triggered by him being there.

I don’t think it will be fair to say he can’t be there as it’s your son’s decision. But you are WELL within your right to decline having him in your car and you don’t have to speak to him if you’re not comfortable.

Now your not together his transport is not your problem channel your inner top gear "anyway"

I voted yabu because this is what your son wants.

However I would be saying that your ex has to make his own way and that you will not be driving him. That isn’t unreasonable at all.

And that’s what most people have said. She is NOT being unreasonable at all. It’s not all about what the son wants actually. Her feeling are just as valid.

If you can put a happy face on for your son, do it. The day is about him (I'm sure it will be an emotional one for you, it's still his life event).

My dad cheated on my mum with my stepmum. All three dropped me off at university because they all wanted to support me and I'm so grateful they were there. If my mum had even hinted that she was uncomfortable, I'd have found an excuse to keep my dad and stepmum away. I'd have told her that I didn't mind at all, but secretly, I'd have been gutted.

Same with my graduation, wedding, and now, events with my own children. The biggest gift they have given me post divorce is acting like they don't mind being in the same room together.