To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

YANBU

He can catch a coach or train if he wants.

You’ve said he can’t have a lift and stick to it. Nothing more or less. You don’t need to worry or make up lies.

Are you frightened of him? If not, I’d go with it and make your son happy. You may no longer be married but you are still parents. From this point on you’ll prob see a lot less of him. Perhaps you could let him ride with you on the way there, but say you have somewhere else to be later and that he’ll need to get the train home.

You’ve asked for peoples’ opinions by posting on AIBU so you’re going to receive all sorts of different perspectives.

What’s shining through this is that you’re entirely self-focussed and three quarters deaf to any opinion that doesn’t support your own.

Along the way you’ve explained:
• Both of your sons want to go to the city, with you, to drop off your eldest son.
• Your eldest son would be happy enough if his dad attended as well.
• You have yet to let go of needing to cope by planning and controlling the shit out the day, way beyond your remit.
• Regardless of how awfully you regard the man you decided to have children with, your sons have a father who may attend the University on the day, which clearly your eldest son would enjoy.
• Your biggest job is to continue to set an example of emotional regulation, balance, and calm.

You’re gonna have to put your big girl pants on and set aside your long-ago-learnt distain for their father and be a big person.

The bitterness you hold is ripe between the lines of your posts, and likely has already deeply affected your boys.

If arrangements become complicated you are going to have to be calm on the fly. You can’t predict how ex’s will behave at these huge events in our children’s lives, and sadly you’re showing so many emotionally dysfunction traits I’m sad for the pupils you teach for the example you blindly and clearly un-self-awarely show them.

It really is time to let go and allow the relationship between your boys and their dad, no matter how you personally are uncomfortable/triggered or upset.

You’re being unreasonable.

I suspect the OP has spent years facilitating the ex and their dcs relationship.
That SHE ensured they saw each other etc…
Just now, the ds somehow hopes his dad will be there but the ex hasn’t made any steps to do so! Ask how it would work etc…

And the OP (and her da) expects her to make it happen. Probably because that’s what she has been doing since the separation.

Theres a lot of change going on there too. A change in exoectation fir ALL of them

You'll want space, it's more emotional than you can envisage.
Meeting Dad after won't be a problem, the students arrive over a number of days and across each day so he won't miss out of he's out with Dad for a couple of hours. It could be nice for Dad to explore campus or take him shopping for some essentials, or a bit of alcohol.
I hope all goes well for you. It's a heck of a step!

She said in her OP that she's told ds she won't be giving his dad a lift and he was fine with it.

As difficult as it is to accept it isnt up to your son to manage your trauma, especially at such an important transition in their life.

He gets to decide who he would like there. You get to decide if that is something you can cope with.

You are under no obligation to give him a lift and would just say no sorry not possible if its presented.

This is only the beginning of transitioning to adult relationship with your child and managing seeing your ex.

It isnt just graduations and weddings it's right down to grandchildren and adults being expected to manage their own families to suit their separated parents.

And if you do "suggest" he asks his dad to meet him a later weekend it will be just the beginning of you "suggesting" ie manipulating situations with your adult children to suit your wants.

We have adult kids and grandkids and a blended family. None of the ex s get on but it was made very clear once kids came on the scene they wouldn't be making decisions to suit anyone but the kids. Every one invited come if you want but there wont be double and more to suit other adults.

So maybe the will be a good test of how you will manage situations as they arise in the future.

Suggest ExDP goes the following week to see DS and bring him food/50 million extension leads/cash for the washing machine?

@stripycats

Obviously, you cannot dictate if your ex goes.

Perhaps you're overthinking, you have zero obligation to offer transport to him, in either direction.

Go with your two sons, have a rough departure/arrival time which your eldest can relay to his Dad.

You may remember when you went to uni and as others have mentioned, the drop off is manic and you and your sons will be off loading and sorting his things into his room/kitchen etc.

Do not guilt yourself into worrying about how the ex is going to travel, there or back. I'm sure you will be civil enough, if your ex does decide to go (he may not)

This is an exciting new chapter for your son, keep reminding yourself of that @stripycats, this is his day and I'm positive you love your son more than you hate your ex, gird yer loins lovely.

Good luck.

If ex wants to come and be part of drop off at uni then that’s perfectly ok but it’s not ok to expect you to drive him given the history, he can make his own way there.

Maybe check the trains timetables yourself it might give you an idea where to expect him ( if) and will help you with planning.
Then I would advise DC to offer dad to come a bit later on the day, as he can’t help with unloading anyway.
I’m really sorry that your ex spoiling a day for you.

Also remind yourself that there will be future occasions such as graduation, possible weddings etc and you need to mark out your position

Could your other child travel with you too, then you’re not alone with ex on the way back?

This. I would not offer him a lift .

I'd take the 16 year old. There's a lot of luggage to be lugged up to the flat. It took us ages negotiating the lift with other parents to get everything in the room . We then had lunch together and said our goodbyes.

She doesn’t have to give him a lift though - he can get the train.

You are being completely out of line to say ex can't be there. Not matter whether you think it is a small event or big event. Your son has a right to want and have his father there.

YANBU to stand your ground and not provide transport either way to your ex.

Better to encourage your son to have his dad arrange to visit him for lunch/dinner in a couple of weeks time - when he's worked out what things he needs that he forgot to take and are easier to take to him rather than him buying spares and not during Freshers' week when there's lots of activities happening.

It becomes not you saying no, but suggesting a better option.

yes I agree the ex has an equal right to be there but she doesn’t need to drive him

Not unreasonable not to give a lift. Just say it won't be happening there or back. If necessary event a friend you are visiting on the way home.

It might be worth pointing out to your DS that it will be a busy day moving things and meeting people. And if he dad wants to come maybe one of the next couple of weekends would be better once he settled. He can show him round and get his dad to take him for dinner.

I would be really honest with your eldest son. Say ‘If your Dad wants to come, he can meet us there, but I can’t give him a lift back, I really can’t. I’ll be so upset about you Jack. I’m immensely proud of you and so pleased you’re starting uni, but you’ll always be my boy and I’m going to be distraught about you not being at home. I want a good old cry and I can’t do that with your Dad. We’re civil with with other Jack, but it’s still hard for me and the split was incredibly difficult for me.

What could be a great idea is if I take you down as planned and your Dad come the next weekend to take you out for a nice meal. He can bring down any bits that we have forgotten.’

YANBU. I believe in honesty, explain to DS that exH isn't welcome in the car (there or back) due to the unpleasantness he has put you through in the past. It would make you feel uneasy.

You can't stop him turning up and you can be civil if he does but no lifts are on offer.

I don’t think it needs more than “i am not giving your Dad a lift, he can make his own way” and she said her son was ok with this.

I dropped ds off in London for Uni, was pre covid so not sure if it's still the same, we had a time to arrive we unpacked the car dumped everything in the room then parked up elsewhere and then went back to the room and unpacked went to the local supermarket stocked up for him and bought a lunch meal deal, ate lunch together then left him to it and drove 5 hours home.