To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

You know… this came as a surprise to me but in the case of my son… what did he want? For us all to clear off asap and certainly before six so we could join the sesh the college had organised…

Obviously… I had to insist it was my last day too so he offered to walk me to the station so we could say good bye away from his prospective new friends 😁

Your DS very clearly wants him to come - so I would make the effort to make it work however you can.

It’s more about DS than you or his DF.

Though I appreciate your points, I would start to consider it the same as graduation, wedding - because if you can get your head around those, you can do this.

Come off it, surely he doesn't know who all your friends are and where they live? He's not entitled to demand details anyway. After all, you could perfectly credibly have made new friends since you were together, or your previous friends could have moved house. Just tell him you're staying with your good friend Francesca Wilson (or similar reasonably probable sounding name) who lives quite near, if he asks questions tell him it's none of his business.

Or you could simply tell him that, after the way he behaved, you can't tolerate him in the car on any basis and he will have to make his own arrangements.

Having dropped off my two dcs at uni in recent years, it’s HECTIC.

Youll have time to drop the stuff with them quickly and then go away.
Some people/families chose to stay for the afternoon together, which might or might not be easy depending on the uni town (one was very easy, the other NOT)
My own dcs just wanted time to set their stuff up, meet their flatmates and maybe see if other of the school friends are there too (one dc had a few, the other not).
As the parent (not separated) who is disabled, you feel like a spare part, in the way etc… And you dint get to see your dc much (who is just going up and down to carry stuff).

Re your ex
Id say there isn’t space - because there won’t be (esp if you have a small ish car)
And you’re stopping to see X on the way back. Just for an hour but ex can’t come.
If your ex decides to come by train, he’ll have to sort it out. Before emptying the car, no space. During, you can’t loose your parking spot. Afterwards is … well too late to help but your ds might want to meet up with him. His choice and tbh not an issue for you.

The reality is that now your ds is an adult, it will be up to him to decide how and when he is seeing his dad. What he can’t expect is for you to facilitate that. And I say that as the disabled parent there.

He has to make his own way up if he’s going to go. What should you help him?!

I agree, and I know you said you (plural) decided to keep the kids out of the reasons for the divorce, fair enough, but it sounds like he's still controlling you. Why not have a conversation with your ex? Tell him you don't feel comfortable with him in the car so if he does come on his own, he needs to NOT try to to wangle a lift back. If he can't agree to that, then tell him you'll get explaining to DS the reasons why you won't have him in your car.

I think if his dad wants to be there then he gets a train and meets you there. Absolutely no way would I be travelling with him.
Your son says he won’t refuse him a lift. Well I’m afraid if it’s your car it’s absolutely not your son’s prerogative . He can say to his dad that he( dad) will have to ask mum. I doubt he will and if he does you can say no that’s not convenient .

If you’ve ever done dropping off at uni, a graduation etc… you’ll know it’s VERY different.
Both in what’s going on (my dcs just wanted to settle, not spend hours with us then) and in the organisation.
Plus I’d still expect the other parent to sort out making their own way thete and back. Not expecting a lift.

Its about what the ds wants AND about what his dad can do.
The OP doesn’t have to facilitate the dad being there for him. The ex could find someone to take him there, organise a time to meet up at Uni etc… he has agency and could organise things himself wo automatically rely on the OP to make things work.

Long thread so Havent read it

You dont have to give him a lift if you dont want to, but its not your call if he wants his dad there to settle in or see the place or be part of the 'drop off' if dad makes his own way there

Dad being there is a good thing, its what a good parent would do

That seems a bit crap and extremely self absorbed of them though and not typical of the times.

I’m not seeing much difference, apart from all the information and processes online.

This

If you’re done by then, then the car will be unpacked and you’ll either be on your way, or in the shops picking up some extra bits.

Your DS can meet his dad and show him where he’ll be living. You don’t need to hang around and wait for ex to turn up.

You just need to managed expectations around ‘the instructions say we need to unload the car swiftly, so we’ll need to pack it in a way that makes that easy to do, and then unload and take everything up to your room in bags / boxes, and then can move the car if we need to and go back up to room and sort everything out’. The unloading car bit needs to be done in one go.

You're obviously nervous about him leaving home. Focus on what you and DS2 do when you get home and for next couple of weeks.

Parents and other grown ups come and go all day on moving in weekend.

I presume that Dad is a grown adult and can get a taxi from station to uni? We dropped DD off at Durham and it was great but a frantic and she was keen for us to leave so she could start mixing.

I’ve dropped two kids off at halls in cities. Both times without their father being involved.

Your son is a child who needs guidance still. but it’s perfectly fine for that guidance to be “your relationship with your father and how you manage it is none of my business, but I have a firm boundary that I do not want to spend any more time with him than is necessary”

“if you’d like your father to come, I will be civil and polite to him however I will not be giving him a lift, nor will I be organising anything for him”

I mean this with complete kindness, but it sounds like you still feel you have to be responsible for his emotions. You don’t. You don’t have to be responsible for his relationship with your children. You have to be responsible for helping your child to manage his emotions around his relationship with his father,, that’s as far as it goes.

In last two years I’ve had to do two graduations and in both cases my kids did dinner the night before with their father, we all did the ceremony together, and then I had lunch/cocktails afterwards. And in both cases my kids complained during that about their father and I did a relatively good job of hiding my glee at the fact they recognise I was the more involved parent they felt they could trust.

@stripycats he can come if that’s what your son wants but he has to make his own way there, you shouldn’t have to drive your ex there xx

I think, as you've recognised now, that it is unreasonable to tell your ex or your DS that your ex can't come at all - your DS is right, this part isn't up to you. But it is not unreasonable at all to say no to giving your ex a lift. You shouldn't have to come up with an excuse. Just say, 'No, I won't be doing that.' No need to apologise or explain. (Appreciate that's easier said than done, especially when you're put on the spot. Practice coming up with a response that is short and acceptable to you, so it rolls off the tongue easier if this situation arises.)

Actually you will have a lot of stuff…

I’m very struck OP by how much seem to want to control almost the relationship between DS and ex.

It’s not up to you to give him “guidance” as to how to interact with his dad. It’s not up to you to suggest that he has his dad for lunch another day instead or start thinking about whether DS should be making friends Vs talking to his dad. DS is an adult. Let him at it.

All you need to do is be clear that no matter what you won’t be giving a lift. Fair enough.

@stripycats just say you won’t
have ex in the car under any circumstances. If pressed, you don’t have to be rude about ‘Dad’ but you can be honest and say he behaved badly and you are very uncomfortable with it. Additionally you can say you might be emotional going home and you want to focus on the drive and your own feelings. Worst case is Dad can stay in DS’s uni town - not your problem at all.

I’d be wary that if take him this time, whenever you plan to visit your son, your ex (and son) will expect it to be both of you each time!

Yanbu

Your ds doesn't need to facilitate your ex beyond sending a postcode and address. If they get in touch last minute, they can be sent details and timings.

Under no circumstances would I collect from the station or offer a lift.

You not sorting this out is not causing the problem. If your ex wants to come, they can make travel arrangements for themselves.

I would probably mention your standpoint in advance to your DC. Keep it neutral, 8 won't be offering lifts, timetable for the day is X, we (you and Ds16) can go here for dinner on the way home.

I have a uni drop off in a few weeks. Hope you have something nice planned for yourself 🍷💐

I did the whole being nice giving my ex a lift once when ds had a minor operation (ex had lost his licence so couldn't bring himself) nightmare total nightmare! He started by demanding i collect him from his house at a certain time i said that wont work we will be late huff puff later he agrees to a time I start driving he keeps moving and unplugging my phone i was using as a sat nav i had to repeatedly ask him to stop moving my phone (he was putting right where i needed to change gear) he kept offering to drive if I "couldn't handle it" (i can handle it fine just stop unplugging the sat nav you idiot) "I'm fine" we get there I'm pissed as hell he said how long do we need to be here? (With his eyes rolling) i said if your in a rush the train is up the road do you NEED me to buy you a ticket? The staff shunted us in a side room as soon as ds went down he vanished he came back ftervan hour and sat there making snide remarks until ds got back on the way home he continually acted like I couldn't drive again kept moving my phone 🙄 his phone kept ringing over and over and over again i told him to answer it or mute it "its just my mom no need to act like that" then answer it but stop distracting me while I'm driving (he didn't answer it so I turned my music up) then the window winding started up and down uuuup and doooown fml my kids are better behaved than that man

First and last time I let him in my car

I mean this with complete kindness, but it sounds like you still feel you have to be responsible for his emotions. You don’t. You don’t have to be responsible for his relationship with your children. You have to be responsible for helping your child to manage his emotions around his relationship with his father,, that’s as far as it goes.

I agree with that.
I think going into halls is about your ds leaving home.
Its also about handing over to both them tge responsibility to make their relationship work.
Youve facilitated their relationship so far. Kudos to you.
But now, you need to step back from that role too. Regardless of your ex disability, not driving etc….

This is your son’s day, he needs to decide and you need to deal your feelings separately from that.

Why don’t you suggest that Dad goes 2 weeks after on his own to check in and make sure he is okay? I have a large car and it was full up. There is no room for him.