To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Two points

1. It still sounds as if you find difficulty saying NO to your ex. You have no responsibility for driving him places or making life easier for him
2. You could possibly suggest to DS that the best time to see his dad is NOT on moving in day, but one or two weeks later when dad can take the starving student (and maybe a friend) out for a meal.

There is absolutely no reason why he needs to come with you.
By that 'logic' there's no need for the OP to go either, many students get themselves back and forth without mummsy.
Don't worry, you'll have 3 or 4 years to think of excuses why he shouldn't be at his son's graduation!

None of that is really the point, is it.

We fitted 6 of us when we took dd1 to university - a peugeot 807.

Oh yes I recall a family bbq or something similar at Oxford Brookes. I did not have the time or inclination to go. It was back in 2008 so finances may be different now.

You absolutely don't have to give your ex a lift there or back but if your son wants him to go you will have to put up with seeing him. We had a 3 hr drive and had to overallow time for the drive to make sure we made the allocated timeslot so found the nearest coffee shop with an Aldi nearby. We went for lunch and to stock up on food for DS then did the drop off and left fairly quickly. I agree with others that you don't want to hang around for long. It is an emotional day so don't let yourself be guilted into driving the ex home - it's a hard enough journey with a partner who supports you. Good luck.

On the strength of most of the smothering mothering responses here, I can foresee a slew of AIBU posts from these young men’s future girlfriends, who’ll all be wondering what caused them to be such a dreadful boyfriends.
They’ll hit the ground running upon graduation, and not stop issuing demands and emotional blackmail to women until they come up against a wall of sudden regret, but only because such attitudes have been outlawed.

I did wonder how the OP could be so certain she'd be ok about being around the ex at graduation, weddings and whatnot when a simple uni drop off is causing her all this angst.

It is up to DS if he wants him there but it's not up to you to take him or bring him back. It's that simple. I'd be completely honest with DS and explain how you'd love hi to have both of you there but how uncomfortable it will make you to have him in the car. He's old enough to understand. Don't make it a discussion just "oh great good idea for dad to come, how will he get there and back?"

I understand Op. It will be awkward with the ex there and it sounds like he’s the sort to bulldoze his wants and desires on others.
Ypu need to do what your DS wants, but you also need to put boundaries in place.
If your DS wants his Dad there too, fine, but you can’t offer a lift there and back as you have plans. End of.

I agree, and I add you are not urreasonable not wanting to see him or engage in conversations, etc.
As the poster I'm quoting I have vote you are uresanable for the main thing that is not of your choice is your soon choice. Other than that you are perfectly reasonable.
Finger cross he won't bother and at least you can have some joy on the day dropping your son.

@Ilovepastafortea dc do seem to need more help these days. I visited universities on my own and went to the interviews on my own (40 plus years ago). My parents even forget when my university started and were on holiday when my first year began! Luckily a friend of mine had a car and took me as it would have been a long trek to halls.

You can't say he can't come but you can absolutely make it clear you won't be giving him a lift there or back. Who would want to be in a car with their ex for two hours on the way home.

My parents are divorced and my dad took me to my uni two hours away as I lived with him. It never entered my head my mum coming and she never mentioned it either. The car was filled with stuff there wouldn't have been space. I also solely took my dd to uni without my DH for this reason.

My dad unloaded my boxes, took me a food shop and left. With dd I helped her unpack all her things and get her room sorted, took her a food shop and for food then left so did stay a bit longer. Not sure if a boy would want you unpacking though.

I completely get you. I get why you are to some extent overthinking. This post could have been written by a friend of mine a couple of years ago. I stick to what I said in my previous post.

It is a day to be cheerful - and firm with DH that should he ask, he does not get a lift.

You will blink and he will be home for reading week😘

When i went to uni hundreds of years ago , my parents dropped me off and I had a little cry after they left. By 5pm I was in the queue for the evening meal, met my best friend all through uni, and in the evening the 3rd years had put on a party at a boys' hall and we got ( almost stinking ) drunk. I dont think you need to worry too much sbout anything. It's not about you.

You can't say that ex cannot come, but you can say that you don't want him in your car., either on the way up or on the way back. He can get the train and any replacement bus services.

I have dropped three DC off at different universities (and also for Army and Navy training) and it has never been a "social for the parents" occasion. The aim has been to get the child and possessions to wherever they are meant to be, hug them lovingly, make sure there is nothing of theirs left in the car, and drive away (and then have a good cry later). They are adults now, they don't want parents round their necks like albatrosses, and parents are going to be an embarrassment no matter how loved and generally cool those parents may be. Yes, it is up to your DS if he wants your ex hanging about, but your ex is going to be a spare prick at a wedding (and serve the bastard right!) I hope for everyone's sake that if his turning up is not made easy for him in any way, he'll decide it's too difficult for him, and refrain from messing your DS about.

I don't know quite what your DS is expecting of you, or of your ex, but he ought to be looking forward, not back!

when me and DH dropped ds for first year, we ended up with me driving and him going on train due to car space! I’d tell ds to just tell his father to take the train for this reason

And she's allowed to say who goes in her car. Not her and and not her DS.

Can’t believe the number of votes against you! You will be sobbing all the way home and don’t need excess baggage in your car. It’s a city location so ex can make his own way. Speaking from experience.

Oh course she is, nobody has suggested otherwise. Even OP said ds was fine with her not giving his dad a lift.

What does your son want? It’s a big day for him too. Can anyone else take his Dad? Or is a taxi feasible?

You drop him with his stuff on the day, dad takes the train to meet him for lunch a day after.

YABU. It’s up to your son, and however awful your ex may be, you should not involve your son in any fight you have with his father.

You’re allowing your feelings to override those of your son. He should be able to have a relationship with his father.

I don't think your being unreasonable to say no to a lift.
As others say you can't stop him from attending and you have made it clear to your DS that the possibility of a lift is already out of the question. So stand firm to this don't get suckered into any further discussion about it. If he's there he's there.

The best thing you can do dropping him off is to drop off boxes etc. Make sure he's got some teabags, milk biscuits and any other snacks things (beers) and let him get on with setting his room up himself!