To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

I don't think anyone ever wins by trying to score points against their partner, especially with young kids.

Be clearer, tell him (don't assume he will guess what you have in mind) when you want him to be sole parent or when you want to do family things,
and when you need YOUR free time

and neither of you get to tell the other one what chore they are allowed to do during the free time.

Also accept that you want the kids to be taken to parties and activities (which I would do to frankly), but the other might just keep the kids at home and do chores with them. I am not being sarcastic, you do laundry, cooking, cleaning and everything with the kids - why can't the other one tidy up or clean the car if the kids are safe? Playpen, hold hand, even a 1 year old can spend 20 mn digging in the garden and playing with toys IN FRONT OF YOU while you do something else.

The post is badly worded. OP is saying her DH waits until she and the kids get back and then goes for a hair cut or whatever. Her argument is that he should do this whilst she is out with the kids.

Why are you fixating on the wording rather than the problem?

I didn’t read it like that (especially with the subsequent posts). She doesn’t mean he has to spend the time doing chores, but if he has jobs he needs to accomplish without kids being there, it’s not unreasonable to expect that he gets those done during the entire working day he’s just had child-free. Not sit on his arse for 8 hours, doing nothing, then insisting he needs even more child free time to do something productive. The equivalent would be OP lazing around and then when he gets back with the kids, deciding she needs him to make dinner and continue solo parenting while she goes to the hairdresser or the pub for another couple of hours.

I haven't rtft but I've read all your responses OP. I actually understand where you're coming from. People are picking up on the language you used but when people are frustrated they sometimes use stronger wording than intended which I think is the case here. I wonder if the issue is maybe you feel he isn't considerate of your time? In the scenario of you having the children solo all morning while he was free, then waits for you to come back to then go out to get a haircut that means you spend more time solo parenting I don't think you're unreasonable to be annoyed. He doesn't give your time the same consideration you would give to him.

you are the one who has to bring the Patriarchy in here, not me

Actually, that wasn’t me.

This feels like largely a communication issue to me - if you say to him at the start of the day ‘I’ll take the children for x hours - please can you use that time do get things done as well as chill - becuase I’m going to be exhausted when we get in and need some childfree down time’ then I think you can be legitimately annoyed.

if you’re taking the children out for hours and then have expectations of reciprocal time out without discussing it with him then it’s much less black and white.

are you martyring yourself silently in the hope that he’ll see your work and match it?

or are you emphatically and clearly communicating your needs and feeling aggrieved that he’s ignoring you?

The issue is that he thinks the kids are your responsibility.

I believe a day at home is a day wasted frankly but there are no lack of posters on here who keep banging on about the need for kids to stay at home doing nothing, learn to be bored, potter around and so on, and that no one needs to go out every day or go to daily clubs even from birth. I couldn't disagree more,

but

why is it ok for these women to have this opinion, but when it's the dad, it's "lazy parenting" and avoiding his responsibilities?

apologies, I have to confess I read the posts, I rarely read the posters name, totally my fault.

You are controlling and it won’t end well.

He does no chores by the sound of it. And having his own haircut done isn't a chore. You make him sound like a victim 🙄

Oh behave.

Your posts are getting on my nerves. OP has explained what the problem is.

it doesn’t sound like she is getting any free time at all.

and learn how to spell dinner

OP' phraseology was unfortunate and has been a real distraction. But I see exactly what she means.

Her husband sends to consider all family/child related matters as (a) her responsibility and (b) and utterly bore and something he will find any excuse to avoid. While she takes the kids out he chills at home. When she comes back with the kids he suddenly has to be elsewhere doing his own thing.

HE is the controlling one because it seems he's always pleasing himself and leaving OP in charge of their joint kids. Posters saying OP is dictating when he can go for a hair cut are barking up the wrong tree. It's OP who never has the chance to nip out for an impromptu hair cut!

Show up as a pair around what needs to be done over the weekend and what free time you each have. Divide and conquer in the chores and activities and then figure out that you have x hours of free time between you. Hopefully you’d want to do something together and then he and you each have y hours for whatever. his haircut is part of his time btw, not a household chore ;)

I agree that your language isn’t doing you any favours on this thread but I think you’re absolutely NBU to try and get balance in the chores and free time in your household!

Okay, ignore the wording in the OP, which wasn’t the best…

Reading between the lines, I think OP is basically saying, why should I help facilitate DH having free time when he basically takes the piss?

She had the children out of the house for 7 1/2 hours. DH had all of that time to himself. She gets home, probably tired, and not only did she have to start making dinner, DH left the house to get a hair cut. A haircut that presumably he could have had done during the 7 1/2 hours he had to himself. A PP said, a haircut will only take 15 minutes… But unless the Hairdresser lives next door to you, there is going to be travel time. Our family Hairdresser is less than 20 minutes drive away, but if there is a delay – and they usually is – that’s at least an hour out of the house. So at this point, the OP has had to look after the DC on her own for the best part of nine hours. How is that fair?

Why is asking your DH to step up and do his share controlling?

She is not controlling. He’s a selfish husband.

I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time on this post; you were reaching out for support and understanding and whilst many posters are offering that, it’s being diluted by a lot of judgment. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I don’t think this is about being controlling at all — it’s about fairness. You’re already giving him really generous stretches of time to himself, and it’s only natural you’d feel frustrated when he then extends that even further instead of sticking to what was agreed.

What you’re describing isn’t you begrudging him time, it’s the imbalance that comes from you carrying the kids solo for hours, then him popping up with “just one more thing” when you’ve expected the handover. Anyone would find that wearing, especially with little ones who are so full-on at this age.

It sounds like the core issue is boundaries and respect for your time, not whether he “deserves” free time. You’re not wrong to want clearer limits so you don’t always become the default parent.

One thing that might help is setting clearer boundaries around timings. For example, if you say “I’ll be back at 12 so can you be back by then so we can swap over until 4pm ‘ then it’s on him to be finished by 12 so you can swap over. Or if he wants to fit in extra errands, you could suggest he does them within the time you’ve already given, rather than adding more on at the end. Agreeing this beforehand can be helpful.

It might also help to agree in advance how much solo time each of you gets across the week, so it feels balanced rather than you always being the default parent. Sometimes just putting it into a routine stops it feeling like you’re forever negotiating.

Ok.

Your OP was really unclear.

Based on your clarifications your husband is well and truly in the wrong (and I would be annoyed too.)

Beautifully put 👏👏👏