To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

Dear Lord, if the OP is actually serious then I have every sympathy with her husband. No adult gets to "allow" another adult free time, or tells them what to do with their time. He can do what the flip he wants! Let's hope that the poor guy doesn't feel totally pushed away by his wife.
And maybe stop being a martyr, leave the stupid cleaning (it won't matter if it gets missed for one week) pour a glass of wine and relax......
(And, yes, I am female).

There are at least two posters on here being deliberately both provocative and spiteful and are best ignored.

You are talking absolute shite.

I said we’d be back by midday and shock surprise he’s still out.

you didn’t ask him to be back by midday

The fact that the OP asked her DH to be home by midday today, and is still is not back speaks volumes about his commitment to his family.

And that’s asked: not demanded.

Hes an adult he doesnt need permission to get a haircut! You are controlling tho you clearly feel you are not, probably wants to look nice for someone at the gym or at work who isnt controlling his every move

Having two young children is incredibly hard work. It is still a new experience (effectively having two toddlers now). It takes time to figure this out as a couple. It does not mean there is anything wrong with your relationship or you.

Some people will find these things easier than others, but they will find different challenges harder. People and couples are all different.

I just think you going off doing spur of the moment random activities all the time (with or without kids) that aren’t preagreed / pre-scheduled sounds like a massive headache. If you want to do random activities the next week, agree it in advance, so that then the other person can agree to have their personal free time at a set future date. Your approach sounds exhausting. If you ARE agreeing stuff in advance (as opposed to moment/morning of) and he’s still frequently not sticking to it then you have a bigger problem, as he clearly doesn’t respect you or your time.

why didn't the OP's DH prepare dinner
OP said she was making diner when he came back, so if it was such an issue, why not ask him before to make sure diner was ready because she didn't want to make it?

went to have his haircut within the 8h he was free, by himself doing nothing
because he was doing something else, and .. consequences, then he'll have to take the kids with him or have it another time?

If my husband was having a go at me because I spent my afternoon chatting with friends instead of doing my chores when he took the kids out for the day, I would go absolutely nuts.

Do you genuinely believe this wasn't to escape even more parenting.
I don't live in a world where 2 adults are needed, or even there, for dealing with the kids, so no.

the equal share of free time, childcare and housechores
then make it clear: I am taking the kids, but YOU have them tomorrow full stop. What you do not do is make a list of things you allow your partner to do during their free time 🙄and throw a tantrum if instead of doing the laundry, they decide to have their nails done.

He thinks he can come and go as he pleases!! If this was a man who had posted saying how dare she think she can come and go as she pleases!

I’m somewhat like him, in that if I was given free time then I’m going what I want to do and all admin is for another time. But if he’s had 8 hours then he’s just taking the piss.

The guy literally dodges parenting at every opportunity leaving OP to do it all, and you still justifies his behaviours? You are well trained by the patriarchy, well done.

He takes the piss because he’s never allowed.

The OP worded her post badly. I always try to look beyond that, because not everybody is using English as their first language.

If you read on, it’s clear that her DH is shirking his responsibilities. He’s basically letting everything fall on the OP’s shoulders. Whether that is deliberate or not, it obviously needs addressing.

i’m very surprised by these responses. The amount of times I’ve seen posts where women are utterly exhausted and doing everything, and the replies are always: what is your husband doing? Why are you doing everything? When does he have the children?

Etc.

I said we’d be back by midday and shock surprise he’s still out.

I don't know anyone who would translate that as "you MUST be back at midday too".

Normal adult conversation: I am planning to be back at midday, what are you doing then, what will we do in the afternoon?
OR I am planning to be back at midday, you will be there by then? I will be waiting for you!

You are not getting this at all you are saying you will dictate the time of day he gets a haircut! Again can you imagine if a man said to a woman' no i will dictate to you what time you get your hair cut!!

haha

if the OP was the husband, you would have A LOT to say about the Patriarchy, and a man ALLOWING his wife to have "free time" but only to do the chores he allows her to do during that free time😂

Exactly

I don’t think you are getting it… The OP said she feels like she doesn’t want to allow him to have free time – badly worded, I agree – because when he does have free time, he does absolutely nothing with it, and then as soon as she gets home and could do with a break herself, he decides to pop out then.

she’s not dictating when he can get a haircut per se, she is questioning why he decided to do FA in the 7 1/2 hours he had free, and then go out as soon as she got back.

so, use actual words with him.

"I'm taking the DC out. if you need to get anything done like a haircut, get it done before we get back"

if you speak to him the way you wrote your first post it is no wonder he's confused.

And then when you do get back with the dc, hand them over and go out and do something you want to do. Nails, hair done, just sit in the park and watch the world go by. Until he gets the message.

My ex was like this. He never considered me when making his plans, even if we discussed in advance what we both wanted/needed in terms of time; he’d “forget” arrangements which meant he was parenting while I did something for myself, and he’d “forget” that we’d arranged to do something as a family after I had finished my marking or whatever job I had to do child-free. If something came up that he wanted to do he would do it, often getting his mum to have our dc until I got back from work and then finding I was on solo again because he was out with someone else.

It’s incredibly hurtful because it signals complete lack of interest or even basic respect. Even if he knew I had made a plan and had agreed it with him, he would just disregard that if something came up that he preferred. And I would discover this after the fact. He’d always apologise later, but it counted for nothing because he never changed, and I always missed out on whatever it was I had wanted to do.

And if a woman had said, I’m so exhausted, I was out today for 7 1/2 hours with the children and as soon as I got back, DH decided to pop out to do his own thing. He does this a lot.

What do you think the responses would be? They certainly wouldn’t be supporting the DH.

Jeez what a weird pile on! YANBU at all op. I think you need to be less available with the kids and he needs to do more of the parties and the soft play. It sounds like the default parenting is you and I’m afraid it’s up to you to ensure that he takes the reins at weekends more, and you need to let him.

This in spades.