To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

I mean this kindly, and I'm very sorry for your loss, but this isn't helpful to the OP. I was also widowed suddenly with four DC, but I am still able to empathise fully with women whose husbands are useless. Just because their husband still has a pulse doesn't mean they should put up with his lazy attitude.

I'm sure solo parents don't let their 1 yo "potter around" (your words) while they do their own thing. Yes they manage and find ways to do chores (often with the kids are asleep, not by letting them run loose), but this is not the point of the post. The post is, if OP does solo parenting for 8h during the weekend while her partner chills, then the partner has to give equal time for OP to chill. He shouldn't escape the house under shit excuses as soon as she's back so that he leaves her to deal with the kids longer alone, while now also doing dinner etc. Not saying she can't do it alone, saying it is not fair I this case that she has to at the point.

but have your free time!

Don't dictate what your partner should do with the kids on HIS day with them, that's the thing. If he's doing something genuinely unsafe and abusive, then you shouldn't be together anyway. If the kids are fine, but your partner made a different choice, let. it .go and stop being controlling.

Weekends are mostly family time in our house so we don’t really take our kids out without the other. If we do we don’t dream of dictating to the other what they can do and when. My husband often gets his haircut once I get home from taking my children to football, but then half the weeks he takes them and I can veg at home. So is the issue actually that you often take your kids out alone (why? If hes free)

I don’t think this is a case of needing two parents to look after the children. I think this is a case of DH ignoring his responsibilities.

he was on his own for 7 1/2 hours. Why couldn’t he have had a haircut in that time? He waited until the Op got back home, when she is going to have to start thinking about making dinner, and he decides then to pop out, Leaving her in charge of the children yet again.

I mystified how so many women think this is ok.

I love the Mumsnet titles. We all do it because we want people to read our posts.

I wonder if what you are really saying is that at the moment it feels a little unbalanced? Do you have time to yourself and time
to complete basic personal life admin?

I agree he may be taking the piss generally speaking. But don’t do “random soft play” and then expect your partner to start improvising jobs off the cuff.

Instead, agree on a schedule which gives you both X number of hours personal free time, and at a pre agreed day/time, each week, and stick to it. If something important comes up, then you just move that fee time to another day, or else rearrange it just for that week.

of course you let your 1 year old "potter around"? What exactly do you do with a one year old when you cook? Carry them in a sling? 😂

Yes they manage and find ways to do chores (often with the kids are asleep, not by letting them run loose)
talk about yourself, time when kids are asleep is our free time for most of us, not time to catch up with chores, why the need to be a martyr 😂

Playpen, keep in the kitchen with you if you feel the rest of the house is unsafe, I don't know, be.. normal? Or are you one of these people who pretend that they cannot have a wee or a shower until the kids are asleep?

Of all the time you don't need 2 adults, surely making diner is one of them, you are making diner anyway, not going on a family outing.

Lazy parenting can be controlling, when the other half is frequently left to do more than their fair share with no consultation, communication or respect.

'Not ALLOW him any freedom!?'

Sorry OP but if I was him I'd open the door, start running and keep ON running as far away from you as possible!!
YABVVU 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I dont think youre unreasonable in the slightest. I have one 10 month old baby and would be pissed off if my partner did this. Getting his haircut isnt exactly taxing. In fact I got my eyebrows done this morning and those 15 minutes in the chair were so relaxing!

You both need time to relax, I hope you get some time to yourself.

OP can’t understand why he didn’t get his haircut in the 7 1/2 hours he had to himself whilst she was out with the children.

He waited until she returned with their children, and then decided to go out and get his hair cut.

I completely agree with her.

I’m mystified how many partners can’t communicate with one another: “you have X hours free so I have X hours free. You have this day at this time each week, I have this day at this time each week”. Done.

I guess really what I mean is next time there’s a birthday party or an event I could take the children to alone I’ll ask him to come as well. Because when he has some space and time he just wants more. Maybe that makes no sense; I don’t care. But like now, I said we’d be back by midday and I had a feeling when he wasn’t here then he’d be out for hours and he is.

It is a bit upsetting because it feels like you don’t matter. And some of these posts are a bit upsetting but I’ve already said that and they carry on so I’m guessing some posters are rather enjoying that.

But I do want to say a massive thank you to the posters who understood; you’ve really helped.

OK, as you keep on avoiding the topic (the real topic isn't how parents do the chores with or without kids in the room, but the equal share of free time, childcare and housechores), why didn't the OP's DH prepare dinner, or went to have his haircut within the 8h he was free, by himself doing nothing?! In your eyes, explain honestly why that had to ve done the second the OP came back with the kids? Do you genuinely believe this wasn't to escape even more parenting. Are you seriously that gullible?!

I guess really what I mean is next time there’s a birthday party or an event I could take the children to alone I’ll ask him to come as well.

or ask him to take them alone.

but this is different to what you said about you “won’t take them out” if dh says “he’s doing something”

because some of us would just leave the kids to him the following day and get on with things.

And/ or would have agreed in advance about time, or specifics when we NEED the other one there. I don't know, things are just done so much more naturally and easily in real life, maybe people talk?

I don't know, my husband is home and making diner, that's the time I would have said "i am popping out to see friend/ neighbour, or I am popping out to the shop because I forgot something, I am going to the gym", I don't know - use the fact that an adult is there and in charge and make use of that free time?

I don't think it ever occurred to me to even stay, diner was being made, he was here that evening, meaning free time for me?

Sure but communication is a two way thing. Can you be back by midday is clear, isn’t it, that’s not me being ambiguous or vague or anything like that. But if the other partner ignores it and just goes and does what they want to do then what do you do? Rhetorical question by the way.

Have you told him how you’re feeling? I think you should tell him that last part.

“when x, I feel y. What would help would be z”

I think some people are missing the point. Of course she could (and does) do the cleaning, cooking etc while the children are around, but why should she have to all the time when she's in (what should be) an equal partnership?

My partner works away so I clean/cook with my baby round because I have no choice and because i can do it, of course. When my partner is home I shouldn't have to do that (he does all the cooking anyway) so i dont?

This relationship sounds like hell on Earth. The time control would drive me insane. It doesn’t sound like a family, it sounds like time and motion clipboard inspection!
Is this what you both signed up for when you decided to have children?

Badly worded, I agree.

But I think actually reading and understanding the post, the OP definitely has a point.

By the sound of it, I doubt her DH could be arsed to open the door and start running.

So the marriage is presumably fundamentally a bit shit and this is just one issues

Does he never take the dc to an event or birthday party? Because if that's the case, I think it's time to start splitting this up between the two of you. One parent does not need to do it all.