To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

He's not a dog, don't be weird.

Other than that, equal free time -

So basically while you take the children out he does nothing for the household, then when you get home you have to do it all while he goes out for some more time away from his family? Are you saying he's uninvolved with you, his children and the home?

I mean, you sound batshit tbh! OP has explained, in her own words, may not be everyone's choice of words, how disproportionate their "me" time was between her and her DH, that he takes any opportunity to escape parenting responsibilities. You've been calling her controlling, bossy, etc. for that?! Absolutely mental.

You really think I am the unreasonable one there? 😂

Honestly, what is the point of putting this in AIBU? You absolutely don't think that you are so shy bother.

If DH had ever told me when I was allowed to get a haircut I'd have told him to fuck off to bed honest.

This is what people mean by a little bit of knowledge being dangerous. You’ve picked up some buzzwords about controlling language, but you’ve applied them out of context and ended up making unfair and inaccurate accusations.

On parenting forums, phrases like “let/allow/give time” are often used as shorthand for splitting childcare. They don’t prove control. The OP actually gives her husband long, generous stretches of free time. That’s the opposite of restricting freedom. Wanting him back at the agreed time isn’t control; it’s a perfectly normal boundary when you’re raising small children.

The real issue she’s describing is reliability. Her husband takes more time than agreed, which leaves her solo-carrying the childcare work load longer. That’s a fairness problem, not a power grab.

Labelling this “dangerously controlling” would be an overblown pseudo-diagnosis. You’ve taken ordinary phrasing, ignored the context, and missed the point: the OP isn’t limiting his freedom; she’s just asking for a fair, reliable split of responsibilities.

Have you see what she’s suggesting she will now do? To me, that speaks volumes

No she isn't!! Why cant a grown man use his childfree time properly?? IE get a child free time haircut.

No. She really doesn’t

Can you not agree that one day(or several hours) it’s his time to do whatever he wants. Then you agree another day(several hours) when it’s your kids free time to do what you like. Not cleaning, cooking or working etc but something just for you? I feel like he has so much free time for himself than you. You also could try his tactics? He takes the kids for several hours and you plan your manicure or spa appointment and once he’s back, get your bag, phone and keys and leave the house 🤣

Exactly

the op thought we would all be “Hell yes sister you’re right and he’s wrong”. When we weren’t… well, that didn’t go down well

Isn’t this why a lot of men get away with doing less parenting?

It’s a lovely day: kids would like to go to the park. Mum says, let’s all go to the park… DH says, I can’t. I want to get my haircut. Mum says, couldn’t you’ve got your haircut yesterday when I was out with the kids for five hours? Dad says, no I was watching the football…

Some parents – nearly always the mother – end up doing more childcare because they don’t want their children to miss out. They put their kids first, many fathers put themselves first.

The way I do things with my partner is we both get exactly the same amount of kid free time. If we want to get a haircut once every couple of months (or eyelashes, nails or whatever) then that comes out of the kid free leisure time (takes 1 hour every other month so hardly a big deal).

However any stuff like bills, work, domestic chores, looking after pets, organising work stuff, etc doesn’t count.

Do you get the same amount of kid free time as your partner to relax/pursue your own interests? That’s the only question that’s important.

Let me know how you get a 1 year old and a 4 year old to "Potter around" safely while the adults go about their house chores 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣As if they didn't need constant, arm-length supervision.

How should it be worded then? 🙄 how on earth is “giving” someone “time to do something” negative ffs?

Exactly this! Show me when the OP gets 8h straight by herself to do fuck all (no house chores, no planning, no cooking, fuck all!) then gets out the house as soon as her DH comes back home with kids after doing 8h of solo parenting. Some posters on here are wild!

Selfish Dad, doormat Mum. It really isn’t hard to calculate how much free time each person has to themselves each week and then make it equal. If they’re not willing to do that fairly, then you may as well just divorce, as you’re just an unpaid carer/domestic help.

I know that I would prefer going to the playground at the weekend with my two kids rather than going to the barbers for a haircut

each to their own and all that

I have no idea if the op does this or not bit one parent takes their kids to lots of things as they think this is what kids need and one parent stays home more, so the busy person thinks the home person needs to do more

Same as one person decides hoovering 3 times a day must be done and if their partner doesn't their partner is in the wrong

For real!?! You'd rather spend 8h running around playground, soft pay, play dates with 2 under 4yo than chill at home then go for a haircut? You are pulling our legs, stop it.

I am sorry? You need 2 adults to deal with 2 under 5? or more than 2 in some cases...

HOW do you think everyone manage? I am not even going into single parents who manage full time anyway, but even when you are a couple, at least one of them.. WORKS?

So you are unable to get chores done, feed the kids until your partner is home? That's realistic 😂

Hmm I'm mixed about this. Dh and I will do sod all if we get the opportunity to. We both work full time and life is busy. The difference is, if we need to do a job and decide to do it after our free time, like the shopping etc the one who has had the free time usually takes a dc or both with us.

You sound tired understandably op. Little ones are very draining. Mine are older now and although it's still draining I can walk away and hide in my room for a bit!

Might be a good idea to have an unemotional chat about fair free time. Hang in there!

My point is: Op probably would still end up taking the kids to the park. On her own. Because rather than using the time he had to himself whilst OP was already out with DC, he decided to wait until she returned – probably tired and hoping to put her feet up for half an hour – Meaning that yet again she had to keep an eye on the kids whilst her DH gets even more time to just do his own thing.

Kids are home, tired after a day out, and hungry so mum is doing diner.

In every normal house, that's the perfect time for the other parent to go and run errands, what do you expect him to do? Take tired and unfed children out? Really?

Making diner himself? You are already doing it, he can make diner tomorrow.

They are at home and will have food soon. If that's not a time when 2 parents are NOT needed, then when is!

Talk about drama over nothing, and controlling behaviour.

Why can't a grown man decide when to get his own hair cut?

Huh? I worked full time with my children at those ages. Trust me… over the weekend I wanted every minute with them and would schedule haircuts for my lunchtimes