To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

So -

‘AIBU? My wife came home after taking the children out all day. As soon as she came back, she started to make dinner and I started gathering my keys, wallet and phone. I explained to her I needed to get my hair cut. She asked me why I didn’t get it done when she’d been out all day and couldn’t it wait until tomorrow as the children were tired and hungry and hard work. I explained to her it was imperative that I had it cut right then and there because tomorrow I needed to sort the garage out, cut the grass and walk the dog. She got short with me and said she didn’t feel I was being fair.’

You really think I am the unreasonable one there? 😂

I’ve tried to discuss it with him so many times and you never get very far as he just focuses on the minutiae of a situation than the overall sort of picture. So I don’t really bother bringing it up any more. That’s why I’m sort of thinking of just stopping giving him any space with the kids (and before I get accused of being controlling, I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

I don't think your being unreasonable. But your title and initial post does sound more controlling with it. I think you need to maybe communicate more. It is frustrating but I have to be quite explicit with my husband. So if I'm taking the kids out for a few hours I will say when I get back I will be handing the kids over to you as I need to do x, y, z (usually household chores tbh) so he knows he should get anything he wants done in that time too that he is child free e.g hair cuts or down time etc.

Op let me guess, this issue aside, the relationship is a bit… shit?

To be fair, you’re probably not the most objective person on whether or not you’re controlling

I think we’ve established my initial
post could have been clearer. I’ve apologised and I can’t do much more 🤷‍♀️ Sometimes it’s difficult when you’re multi tasking (and a bit annoyed!) to have standards akin to a Roman orator.

I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

even if you and / or the kids want to go out?

Goodness, one for hyperbole aren’t you

I know controlling people don’t tend to say sure, I’ll take the kids to the farm for the morning while you do your event. We’ll come back around midday.

It is now one o clock and no sign of DH!

Seriously, why are some people being so bitchy to me? I don’t think having an unclear post is that bad. It’s quite upsetting to be honest.

oh yes, right, you are definitely not controlling. Definitely.

but it's not normal language or behaviour is it?

Normal (healthy) relationship: it's your turn with the kids, you have them, you are a parent too. If you chose not to go to the gym when I took them out of your hair, your problem.

OP: I am allowing him freedom, I am letting him do things.

that's just weird way of seeing things, and yes, abusive.

If our husband was telling us: "I am allowing you freedom" most of us would tell him to fuck off, and that controlling husband brings freedom of divorce so to think very carefully about that attitude.

You’ve just said you won’t be “taking them out” if dh says he needs to do something

so let’s say you want to go out? Or the children do? Or you’re invited somewhere?

you will say “nope”?

This sounds like how MIL treats my FIL and then tries to rally support for her weird and abusive behaviour. It's awkward 😳

I give up 😂 I tell you what, I’ll get AI to write any future MN posts. I’ll carry on with the housework while DS watches TV and DH … well, god knows what DH is doing!

Oh boo hoo
fgs op you come across as controlling, bossy, martyrish and defensive all in a very short thread!

wife making diner: kids are at home and obviously a complete non-issue if husband goes to have haircut. You don't need 2 adults to make diner, surely?
the children were tired and hungry and hard work. well she's already making diner that evening, so problem solved anyway.

tomorrow I needed to sort the garage out, cut the grass and walk the dog.
great, you'll have te kids with you for that, I am off to the gym, my turn. Be careful with their eyes when you cut the grass, small stones flying can be dangerous for little people.

No need for the dramatics.

So you said you’d be back for midday, did you tell him he has to be back for midday? How long was his event supposed to be? It seems unfair to give him a home time just because that’s when you’re returning

I wonder how much kid free time OP is getting?

why does it matter if DS watch tv while you have been out all day?

If you are really against screens, just tell him to go play in his bedroom or anywhere in the house with his toy.

That's what adult time for chores is, time for kids to entertain themselves alone, then you go out all day (which you did)

*I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

so nasty. “No DC we are NOT going to go to the playground despite it being a lovely afternoon, we are staying here!!!”

Im with you op im not sure why some of the responses are so against your post! Maybe if you'd used facilitating instead of allowing but I absolutely get you. My husband is like this, our marriage isn't great anyway tbh but what ive now started doing is employing a bit of the 'let them' mentality and just going out lots myself too. So if he's had loads of free time for xyz and then insists he needs to "do a bit of work" or go to the gym as soon as we get home then I just go out after or the next day ill go out for the same amount of time. Probably petty and there might be a better solution but discussing for years didn't get me anywhere and the resentment was building so this at least helps that. He is also much better with the kids now as a result of having them on his own more. Still more screen time and less fresh air than id like but 🤷‍♀️

It isn’t a competition where you tot up who is having the shittest time. If you aren’t happy, stop trying to dictate how he spends his time and take control of how you spend yours. I have never set foot in a soft play place because I know I wouldn’t like it. DH and I shared the birthdays 50/50 as neither of us particularly wanted to do them but our children were keen to attend. The other one got to chill out at home. A hair cut an and getting the car cleaned are hardly a treat maybe he was just relaxing at home.

from the OP's strange posts, it sounds like she can't tolerate for the kids to potter around when adults do their own things.

I’m sort of thinking of just stopping giving him any space with the kids (and before I get accused of being controlling, I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

Why must kids be taken out when she's making diner, or husband has things to do? I take my own kids out every day of the week, I can't stand being bored at home all day, BUT they still need to entertain themselves first thing in the morning when I do the normal quick chores (laundry, bed...) and evening when it's diner time>

You lost me with phrases like ‘allow him ‘, and ‘ample time I give him’. You are defo controlling, and he is pushing back and deliberately not doing things in his ‘allocated allowance’ of free time granted by you, op. You need to talk I think, and pull together as a team with more give and take. There is likely resentment building on both sides here.