Total lack of effort in parenting-between the 80/90s and now

[Eatthecakeandshush]

This summer my Dd, 7, has:

Been to the beach numerous times
Been to the pool numerous times
Been on playdates
Had playdates at our house
Been to playgrounds
Been to slide park/indoor play place
Been to water parks
Been to cafes & shopping
Had picnics
Had Bbqs with toasted marshmallows
Done baking
Done crafts
Been on bike rides
Been to the skate park
Been to the lake
Been to fairs ….etc etc

I am no perfect parent, nor do I have tons of money.

She has also herself

Made dens
Played in the garden
Played on the trampoline
Played with toys
Swung in the hammock reading
Watched tv
Played games on my phone

At her age, I remember:

Watching a lot of tv
Playing with my toys
Playing on my brothers computer
Reading
Playing in the garden
Making dens
Going to the shopping centre as a treat for clothes-no cafe or McDonald’s etc, but a chocolate bar/sweets at the shops

Bike rides and knocking on at friends houses came later, but always entertaining ourselves

The same with weekends, we would sometimes go into the town shopping with mum, but mainly Saturdays would be spent finding things to do at home and my mum lying down on the sofa watching tv. Sundays were worse with Super gran on tv and literally nothing to do. Sometimes we’d walk to the park but I remember that being rare and it was exciting to drive to the tip with my dad!

The difference between my life and my DD’s is huge. Even things I notice with my parents now. When we go places, I like to choose ones where Dd can be happy/occupied, where there is not really much thought for this. They want to watch the news, which we never watch as Dd is usually watching tv at that point and we’re not really bothered tbh. My parents even seemed a bit put out when I played my dds cd in the car there and back when we all went out in the car recently

I think as kids we were always just expected to go along with what they were doing or sort ourselves out somehow. My dad played with us a lot when able to, mum never did. Definitely no days out that I do with dd or crafts or baking (aside from occasional flapjacks and mince pies at Christmas-which was nice)

I read my school book to my mum every night, but she didn’t do a bedtime story, dad did occasionally, whereas we’ve done that since she was tiny. No one checked my homework or got extra resources for at home to support and so on
We didn’t go to any clubs or summer clubs, when I asked my mum why, she said that I never asked to.

Everything I do is just the standard amongst my peer group for those with kids, in fact I perhaps do less as Dd plays with neighbours a fair bit.

Interesting to think how this generation will grow up compared to how we did, it’s just so different now.

Did anyone else experience similar?

I remember in my primary age summer holidays in the 80s going into my mum’s work with her at an office, where I just sat and read quietly for fecking hours. On the days I wasn’t there, I went to her parents house where again I was expected to just sit quietly, reading or sometimes watching TV. My grandad would be kind but distant so I’d have to watch whatever he was watching. Or I’d have to help my gran cleaning or shopping or gardening. Some days I had to just sit at home, again reading or watching TV quietly, as my dad worked nights, so he’d need to sleep in the day. He was technically there but I’d have to sort myself out. It was endless and dull. If my parents ever did go out with me, it might be to the library - just to change books, no activities - on the way to do ‘the big shop’ which always seemed to take all day. We’d have a week in a caravan in wales, where again I’d just be expected to read and be mostly quiet. It was dismal. But my parents were poor and both a bit odd so I assume not every 80s childhood was like that!

By contrast, I have to work a min wage term time job so that I can be childcare for my own DC every holiday, as their dad refuses to as he has to work, and my own mother (who now also works term time only) will not do anything resembling childcare for more than an hour or so once in a blue moon, and thinks I owe her deeply whenever that happens. I think she forgets just how much help her own parents gave her when I was young. I try to do something with mine every day, as they really struggle without a routine, but it’s hard as everything costs so much when the weather is bad and we can’t kill a few hours at the parks or other free activities.

Or may be my family has been naturally very blessed , to been born on the land bit with active brains and not lazy.

Completely agree

And you turned out terribly of course.

Exactly.

My parents didn’t drive so we couldn’t access activities that needed a car unless it was with friends or family which we sometimes did.

My mum also worked part time so that she could be at home with us. There was very little disposable income for big days out. Things like trampoline parks and soft play didn’t even exist! There also wasn’t the expectation that children should be entertained 24/7

I don’t think my children are any happier than I was, in fact I think there’s more pressure on parents and kids these days to be busy every minute of the day. As a family we enjoyed the time and space during lockdown when we didn’t have to do much except for going for walks!

Mid eighties baby

My parents did the things you do for your DD? We were taken on days out, had friends over, went swimming/shopping/cinema, fun family holidays. They supported us learning music & took us to junior orchestras etc on weekends.

We were expected to entertain ourselves at home in terms of independent play (a lot of tv was not allowed) but had similar things to my own kids - lego sets, crafts, board & card games, marble runs etc.

I think i parent my kids quite similarly although my DS does more organised sport than i ever did.

I have been pondering this myself recently after returning from a family holiday with my parents and my kids and husband. I don't remember doing much when a child (grew up in the 80s) Would usually go hang out with neighbourhood kids. If not, would spend most of the day in my night clothes watching TV or reading or playing with toys. Mum would appear to make dinner and that was it. We didn't go on holidays and I don't remember many days out. Weekends and school hols were pretty boring.

On the holiday recently had a bit of an argument with my mum as she got annoyed we took the kids to the beach for the day one day. Parents were welcome to come but didn't want to so choose to stay at the villa for the day. Neither wanted to drive in a foreign country so it was left to us to entertain them and ferry them about. We did things they wanted to do, visit a historical place, visited a museum and vineyard, nice meals, but one day we wanted for the kids fun and my mum had the hump. I pointed out that it's the kid holiday and wanted to do something they'd enjoy. My mum's response was it's her holiday too. I found it very selfish and contrasted it to how I am as a parent and I basically choose things for my kids to enjoy and be happy, whereas my parents just think of themselves unfortunately. We tried to all go to the beach town an earlier day, the kids were loving the beach, I said I would take my parents around the shops and for coffee while my husband and kids were having fun on the beach and in the sea. Parents got bored after an hour and didn't want to shop anymore and wanted to go so we ended up taking the kids home early.

Made me think about parenting and how I get enjoyment from my kids having fun. I don't pick things that only I want to do. I try and pick think my kids would enjoy. Unfortunately as the holiday was with my parents also, I couldn't do that and had to make sure my parents enjoyed it also. I won't be holidaying with them again I don't think. Not that type of holiday anyway. Made me realise my parents are pretty selfish and I parent the way I do because I want my kids to have the childhood I never got. I think a lot of parents that were brought up this way do over compensate when raising their children.

Totally agree, I was born in the 70’s and my parents did nothing with me, weren’t interested. I wonder why they had kids. I’d have been delighted if they even went for a walk with us that cost nothing

i think kids are spoon fed entertainment too much now. Purely anecdotal, but my brother and I raised our kids at complete odds.

I'm a 'go find something to do' parent... i'm disabled and on benefits so i don't have the spoons or money to be the constant source of entertainment, i might take them to the park, or a museum, or bowling maybe once a week, but the rest of the time we spent at home, and i expected them to play by themselves with minimal input from me. I want to use my down time to play my games and read my books.. not be colouring or playing picnic/tea party with teddys.. sorry. not my thing.

My brother and his now ExW spent so much time scheduling activities for their kids that whenever i babysat or visited or came here, they would hover and moan and demand we entertained them, and had no concept of boredom or occupying themselves.

Boredom is the birthplace of innovation. Not allowing kids to make their own fun/their own entertainment doesn't give them the spark of invention or idea or imagination.

Kids don't need to be dragged all over and given things to do 24/7. Let them BE bored.

Wonders if, at base, it's a growing up middle class or working class issue?

I think some of what you’re talking about is a money/education thing. My parents always read me a bedtime story, I was always encouraged to read. I also did a couple of extra circular activities and holiday clubs.

However what is different now is that our entire life seems to focus around the kids being entertained. I remember going visiting my mums friends (with no kids) and just having nothing to do. Not a hope would my kids sit there day dreaming while I chatted with my friend. She also used to take us clothes shopping with her and we’d go around the shops for ages, going in and out of dressing rooms. My parents organised holidays that they liked, went to restaurants they enjoyed and we just tagged along entertaining ourselves.

That’s not to mention the hours of completely unsupervised play we had. Where you’d be told to mind a much younger child.

I think that we probably do over entertain now and the lack of unsupervised play is a problem. I also think that, in my family anyway, we are all way to reliant on screens to relax.

This was pretty much my childhood.

wd had to fit in with our parents

My mum got on with housework and her hobbies at home.

We ate what we was given

second hand clothes

went to bed when we was told.

weekends we had to play in are rooms or go around shops with or parents. Hardly any outings we wanted to do

wasn’t aloud to hassle guests

If we visited people we had to stay in living room and keep quiet.

never dined out except Pizza Hut in birthdays

gifts was give twice a year

cinema visit was once a year or something

mum never played with us

mum never did baking with us

My summer holidays was spent watching tv or playing in garden mostly

Got a spanking with dad’s belt , locked in cupboard or shouted at if we dared to play up. to be fare in them days lots of kids was put over parents knees for spanking in public and no one batted a eye lid

walking to school from age 7/8 on my own

but..

my mum denys the above 😡

and even tells me I should do baking, this and that with my kids everyday. I should do reward charts and I should not let my kids walk to school on there own until there 12. 🙄

Grew up in the 80s. Family quite poor but I was never bored: there was a forest and a lake nearby and a library. I was allowed to be out and about on my own in the forest with neighbours kids from when I was 7. My DC have been too shielded perhaps but we live in a city and the times are different. 90% of the 7 year olds walked to school on their own. I let mine start taking the bus to school when he started secondary at 11.

My mum worked so I was often in charge of getting sibling from nursery, give him a snack and sometimes dinner and bath when mum worked late. I'm a sahm firstly because I really wanted to be present for my children but also because one of my dc turned out to be disabled so I had to keep on doing that.

I was somewhere in between the two I guess. (Certainly nobody ever checked my homework). I don't think it did me any harm to know that not everything revolves around me. I had a parent who worked nights and "looked after" me while actually being asleep for a lot of the day, from when I was three. I had to entertain myself and keep quiet. Even when it wasn't the day after a night shift, it would never have occurred to me that I could wake my parents just because I was up early. As a slightly older child, I remember being confused when parents of other kids complained their toddler had "had us up at 6am" or whatever. Wondered why they didn't just tell them they weren't allowed to make a noise when adults were asleep. I do remember some boredom, but I think it made me read more, and use my imagination.

I think the kids of today who expect to be entertained every second are (in some cases) going to grow up into adults who expect the same from their partners and won't ever leave them in peace. I recently had to put up with someone like that in the next hospital bed and thought if I had a tiny bit more strength it might lead me to murder. People with no ability to rely on their inner resources are the worst.

My parents did nothing with us really- one trip out in the summer and lunch out when we went get our school uniform.
they knew nothing about school or homework. I remember being really shocked at a friends for tea when her Mum sat at the table and did her homework with her. They never read our school books with us
They were lazy and selfish though- I remember my friends in the 80s/90s going to the cinema, cafes, beach etc- sometimes I’d tag along so it was very much my parents as opposed to the era imo

My childhood was similar to yours OP and my kids summer has been similar to your child’s. I think it was just 90s parenting, my parents were obsessed with tv and still are. They never played with us and if we did anything as a family they would sigh as we all got in the car to go home and if it was stressful they would be at breaking point.

You’re not alone. Your experience was pretty much mine and lots of people from that time.

was angers me is my is my mum Denys it and badgers me To take my Kids out 1-2 times every -day to fun places, bake with them, teach them extra maths, teach them guitar and all sorts!. She wants me to do things with my kids that she never did with us or though to pay someone to teach us.

She also tells me to ignore housework
and only hoover once a month🙄hmm i
dont think i can ignore not washing clothes and keeping are house clean 😡

It boils my p*ss

Yep same here.
I can't remember ever been taken for a day out in the holidays. It was just a case of hanging out with friends outside or playing inside with toys or sega mega drive!
It's why I don't feel too guilty when my kids complain of being bored on the days I don't have something planned. Why should it be our job to constantly entertain?

Also I know my parents never knew what homework I had, or whether I had done it or not... We now get emails from the headteacher reminding us it's our responsibility as parents to ensure the kids do it. I stress about the deadlines more than my kids do!!

Something went wrong somewhere!!

I don’t think there was anything wrong with what you dps did tbh

i was similar

I did take my dc to church and would go to relatives with them at the weekend

i would listen to what I wanted to when driving

I think the household chores did play a significant difference. We didn't have automatic washing machines we had twin tubs so someone had to be there to do it. We didn't have big freezers just an ice box in the fridge. No online banking most bills were paid through the bank or post office which involved a visit to them. There wasn't a weekly shop it was done every couple of days. This meant morning's we were often out doing that or amusing ourselves at home whilst Mum did housework. Then we would go to the park in the afternoon

What a load of guff.

We did nothing and went nowhere when I was a child as we were dirt poor. We had an entire year without hot water or heating as the boiler broke and it took that long to save up to fix it. We were still happy though and my parents did their best.
My kids do absolutely loads of stuff and have had experiences I could have only dreamed of at their age. They are privileged and I remind them of this.

The world is so baffling child-centric now, especially on Mumsnet!

Also all meals were cooked from scratch even something simple like egg and chips- there was no oven chips so involved peeling potatoes and getting the chip pan out. Bizarrely one of my favourite childhood memories is sat with my Nan popping peas out of a pod and sneakily eating a few.

I think spoonfeeding kids entertainment and hovering protectively is(one of the) source(s) of today's 'mental health epidemic'. They do not know how to be bored, how to create their own fun, how to be social without adults intervening, how to get into child-centered scrapes, how to explore their mental limits.

The loss of physical freedoms, with corresponding false 'freedoms' (dangers) of online freedoms, is a massive step backwards in parenting.