Total lack of effort in parenting-between the 80/90s and now

[Eatthecakeandshush]

This summer my Dd, 7, has:

Been to the beach numerous times
Been to the pool numerous times
Been on playdates
Had playdates at our house
Been to playgrounds
Been to slide park/indoor play place
Been to water parks
Been to cafes & shopping
Had picnics
Had Bbqs with toasted marshmallows
Done baking
Done crafts
Been on bike rides
Been to the skate park
Been to the lake
Been to fairs ….etc etc

I am no perfect parent, nor do I have tons of money.

She has also herself

Made dens
Played in the garden
Played on the trampoline
Played with toys
Swung in the hammock reading
Watched tv
Played games on my phone

At her age, I remember:

Watching a lot of tv
Playing with my toys
Playing on my brothers computer
Reading
Playing in the garden
Making dens
Going to the shopping centre as a treat for clothes-no cafe or McDonald’s etc, but a chocolate bar/sweets at the shops

Bike rides and knocking on at friends houses came later, but always entertaining ourselves

The same with weekends, we would sometimes go into the town shopping with mum, but mainly Saturdays would be spent finding things to do at home and my mum lying down on the sofa watching tv. Sundays were worse with Super gran on tv and literally nothing to do. Sometimes we’d walk to the park but I remember that being rare and it was exciting to drive to the tip with my dad!

The difference between my life and my DD’s is huge. Even things I notice with my parents now. When we go places, I like to choose ones where Dd can be happy/occupied, where there is not really much thought for this. They want to watch the news, which we never watch as Dd is usually watching tv at that point and we’re not really bothered tbh. My parents even seemed a bit put out when I played my dds cd in the car there and back when we all went out in the car recently

I think as kids we were always just expected to go along with what they were doing or sort ourselves out somehow. My dad played with us a lot when able to, mum never did. Definitely no days out that I do with dd or crafts or baking (aside from occasional flapjacks and mince pies at Christmas-which was nice)

I read my school book to my mum every night, but she didn’t do a bedtime story, dad did occasionally, whereas we’ve done that since she was tiny. No one checked my homework or got extra resources for at home to support and so on
We didn’t go to any clubs or summer clubs, when I asked my mum why, she said that I never asked to.

Everything I do is just the standard amongst my peer group for those with kids, in fact I perhaps do less as Dd plays with neighbours a fair bit.

Interesting to think how this generation will grow up compared to how we did, it’s just so different now.

Did anyone else experience similar?

I was an only child in a single parent household so we didn’t have the money for days out; I read an awful lot and my mum did bake with me occasionally.

Every Thursday we’d go food shopping. A trip to Ikea would be considered a fun day out…! We saw my grandparents a lot and when I was old enough, I played out with friends loads. We’d play board games together, but sadly I don’t think this generation will do the same.

I didn’t have a sibling until I was 12, and my mum was far more involved with them as they grew up as I think the nature of parenting had changed by that point.

I definitely do lots more days out with my children, and especially when they were younger, but this summer, I’ve taken the pressure off a bit and our best days out have been visits to nature reserves etc.

My friend and I often comment that we swung the pendulum too far the other way in parenting our children.

We both grew up poor and now do loads of activities and days out with our children. I think we’ve gone too far because we finish a pricey activity now and the kids ask “what are we doing next?” Not necessarily in an entitled way, but they’ve become accustomed to doing so much. Same with fast food - it’s not a treat anymore.

In our case we both grew up poor and want to give our kids the best of the best. In my case, while I had a poor single mum, she did loads with us - hunting for faeries in the forest, crafts galore, beach days. In my friend’s case, her parents did nothing and she spent her whole childhood bored and watching tv.

I’m the same generation as you and that’s exactly like my sister & I. We had a whale of a time. No mobile phones either.

I was born in the late 1970s. My parents never did anything with me. I was expected to amuse myself. And I did. I played down a field, rode my bike, played on my skateboard, played marbles, balls, 99in, read countless books.

I was NEVER bored.

I didn't have a great home life but I really appreciate the freedom I had then. I think today's kids are way too entitled and expect everything to be about them. They often lack the ability to make their own enjoyment. They are also massively overstimulated and can't focus on anything for long without rushing to the next.

I didn’t do half the things on your list, though we did spend a lot more time at the beach, cycling, bikepacking and wild camping. My dc have spent a lot of time watching tv and amusing themselves though. That’s because one of us has cancer (me) and one of us has to work (Dh). In a normal summer though, both of us have to work. I expect my dc to mostly create their own fun rather than to have it curated for them.

That said, my childhood in the 80s and dh’s sound very similar to yours. Not because our parents were lazy and uninvested, but because a lot of those things didn’t exist back then. 🤷🏻‍♀️ There was no soft play or skate park or a playground nearby, no water parks, no theme parks. I played at home, rode my bike a bit, watched tv. On weekends, we went for walks or maybe to like a children’s farm type place. Our big holiday was to the beach.

There was no big entertainment infrastructure for children back then. And both my parents worked FT (mum back to work when I was 3 months old). My grandparents would on occasion take me on a day out, to go pet the ponies at a farm where they knew the owner or to a cafe for lunch, but that was as exciting as it got! Otherwise, it was 8-10 hours a day watching soaps and talk shows while my granny chain smoked. 😂 Those were different times.

Do you think your childhood was bad OP?

It sounds pretty idyllic to me.

At least your dad stayed around.

My dad abandoned us, refused to pay maintenence and plunged us into poverty

Yes I agree with all of this. Sometimes as a Gen Xer I want to shout ‘What about me?!’. As children we fit in with what parents wanted/needed to do generally and as adults the children are the centre of the world. But as a typical Gen Xer I can’t be bothered to shout as no one will listen 😂

An observation: What would have been considered treats back in the day are seen as everyday things for many people now.

It was a different time and even more so when I grew up. I do think being too child centred and always filling their time can lead to entitled young people with no resources for self entertainment. Your daughter's summer sounds amazing. Lucky girl.

My kids have done the following this summer (9 weeks, we live abroad)

2 weeks of day camp

Ds went to scout camp for four days

1 week family holiday on a lake

1 week of camping with DH and his tribe

The rest of the time was the pool, parks, playing at home, occasional beach day trips

Obviously, there are some aspects of 80s parenting I wouldn't revive.

But I think my own kids would benefit a lot from things being less organised for them and me/DH would be a lot less bloody frazzled. But sadly a lot of the 'make your own fun opportunities aren't available to us (we me) now as parents. I'd love to boot them out of the house at 9am on a Saturday so they could play with the other kids in the street but it's not an option.

My parents didnt do a lot for me.

However my niece has everything done for her.

She is so rude spoilt and ungrateful.

A happy medium is needed

I think constantly organising events for children can be detrimental to becoming independent and thinking for themselves. By all means do some things together but there’s a lot to be said for just chilling and letting children play at home.
I raised my sons on the 90s. We would have the occasional day out but from about 8/9 they’d go off on their bikes to the local
BMX track, or to the playing fields etc.

Parents are a lot more child centric now and parenting is more intensive.

Loads of older posters will disagree with you though OP 😆

I was a 70s kid and pretty free range. Once we were primary age we asked our parents if we could play at another child's house or if a friend could come to ours. And we used to just head out to the swing park or go out on our bikes when we were a little older. Very little adult supervision! I also spent a lot of time reading, or drawing, or making clothes for my dolls. Once a week I stayed with my grandparents and I would bake something with my granny. We lived in a very remote part of Scotland and didn't have lots of money so holidays were spent visiting relatives or (horror) camping. The most exciting holiday we ever had was a week in Aviemore and visiting Santa Claus Land.

I think today's mother spend an additional hour a day with their dc vs previous generations and dads have increased from 15 mins to maybe an hour

When I was a dc it was a lot more acceptable to get to & from school, stay at home alone, be left in a car, play outside unattended etc from a much younger age

Maybe part of the reason teens are so hooked on their phones is because they were kept busy with activities centred around them rather than learning to be comfortable with being bored and having to be creative to entertain themselves. Maybe it plays a part in the increase in anxiety too.
This is no judgement towards you OP. I'm a parent of teens who I centred all my time around when they were younger. Both have anxiety and moan about screen time restrictions. They did also go through covid lock downs at the end of primary/start of secondary so that could be a part of it.

We would have the occasional day out but from* about 8/9 they’d go off on their bikes to the localBMX track, or to the playing fields etc*

There's a lot more judgement too.

If you did that today and anything happens to your dc the comments would be "why were they left alone" etc

Brought mine up in the 90s and did lots with them but although they were the absolute priority and center of our world ( and still are tbh) everything wasn’t always centered around them.

My dad used to have the cricket, the football or horse racing on every time it was on, no debate. I do think it’s gone too far - all this it’s what I want first all the time doesn’t teach any compromise.

as for holidays - I mostly remember being dragged around garden centres or to the beach (which I hated, so my mum could get a tan), and being left alone to read was the win!

Its become really fashionable these days to hark back nostalgically to the 1980s and talk about how good it was that children's lives were unscheduled and the "importance of being bored", playing out and the dangers of kids being helicoptered and over-scheduled etc etc. As someone who was raised in the 1980s I think people look back on this with rose-tinted spectacles: give me parenting today any day over that.

There are plenty of things wrong with the way children are brought up today. There is too much risk-aversion and far too much screen time (and this is a whole thread in itself) and I think kids have lost some psychological resilience due to the fact they go out a lot less.

But let's be honest, a lot of parenting in the 1980s was downright selfish and neglectful. I was raised by borderline alcoholics and workaholics for whom family was an afterthought: to the extent that they wanted to spend time with us at all it involved dragging us to their friends' houses and instructing us to play with their children while they got pissed. Or being left in front of the TV. From the age of 14 I was going out most evenings to the pub (mainly to get away from my dad and his drunken ranting, oh the irony). A lot of my friends went on to develop serious alcohol or substance abuse problems because drinking it was so normalised in the culture. The downgrading of alcohol by Gen Z and Alpha is definitely something to celebrate.

I missed out on a lot of clubs and activities which my parents could have afforded to take us to, because they basically couldn't be arsed, and I wasn't supported to do anything other than exactly what my parents thought I should do (ie do really well in my A levels and to university bugger any extra-curricular). And my childhood was fairly benign, there was no trauma or abuse and my parents were relatively involved. A cursory look back at the culture of the 1970s and 1980s tells you that children were right at the bottom of the list of considerations.

I think its good to be honest about the shortcomings of modern parenting but it does irritate me when people present the 70s and 80s as a paradigm of good child-rearing.

I was a 60s child and school holidays were mainly spent out all day with friends playing French skipping and stuff like that or down the park. I sometimes had jam sandwiches so I didn't have to go home until the evening meal. We went out as a family on Sundays to the woods and places like that.

My df’s work had a summer shut down in the July when schools finished for the month, so we packed up the car and disappeared to my parents home country for 3 weeks. We were kept occupied there by family, swimming pools, lakes, walks, animals, shops, meeting other kids and causing havoc. When we got back, we had about 3 weeks to see friend, hang out, bike rides, feed the horses in the field, go visit my uncle by cycling there and go shops near him.

my dds have done lots and am now the official family entertainments coordinator 🙄 I’m glad their back to school next week!