Total lack of effort in parenting-between the 80/90s and now

[Eatthecakeandshush]

This summer my Dd, 7, has:

Been to the beach numerous times
Been to the pool numerous times
Been on playdates
Had playdates at our house
Been to playgrounds
Been to slide park/indoor play place
Been to water parks
Been to cafes & shopping
Had picnics
Had Bbqs with toasted marshmallows
Done baking
Done crafts
Been on bike rides
Been to the skate park
Been to the lake
Been to fairs ….etc etc

I am no perfect parent, nor do I have tons of money.

She has also herself

Made dens
Played in the garden
Played on the trampoline
Played with toys
Swung in the hammock reading
Watched tv
Played games on my phone

At her age, I remember:

Watching a lot of tv
Playing with my toys
Playing on my brothers computer
Reading
Playing in the garden
Making dens
Going to the shopping centre as a treat for clothes-no cafe or McDonald’s etc, but a chocolate bar/sweets at the shops

Bike rides and knocking on at friends houses came later, but always entertaining ourselves

The same with weekends, we would sometimes go into the town shopping with mum, but mainly Saturdays would be spent finding things to do at home and my mum lying down on the sofa watching tv. Sundays were worse with Super gran on tv and literally nothing to do. Sometimes we’d walk to the park but I remember that being rare and it was exciting to drive to the tip with my dad!

The difference between my life and my DD’s is huge. Even things I notice with my parents now. When we go places, I like to choose ones where Dd can be happy/occupied, where there is not really much thought for this. They want to watch the news, which we never watch as Dd is usually watching tv at that point and we’re not really bothered tbh. My parents even seemed a bit put out when I played my dds cd in the car there and back when we all went out in the car recently

I think as kids we were always just expected to go along with what they were doing or sort ourselves out somehow. My dad played with us a lot when able to, mum never did. Definitely no days out that I do with dd or crafts or baking (aside from occasional flapjacks and mince pies at Christmas-which was nice)

I read my school book to my mum every night, but she didn’t do a bedtime story, dad did occasionally, whereas we’ve done that since she was tiny. No one checked my homework or got extra resources for at home to support and so on
We didn’t go to any clubs or summer clubs, when I asked my mum why, she said that I never asked to.

Everything I do is just the standard amongst my peer group for those with kids, in fact I perhaps do less as Dd plays with neighbours a fair bit.

Interesting to think how this generation will grow up compared to how we did, it’s just so different now.

Did anyone else experience similar?

A bit of boredom is actually good for children.

Quite.
I’m a child of the 70’s, and I’m very glad I was. It also taught us independence.
These days we have parents trying to organise jobs for their useless children because they are incapable of doing things themselves. I even saw a post on here where a parent accompanied their older teen to an interview!

I can tell you. Because I brought my children up in the 90s and did the things you do with them. They're adults in their 30s/20s now, and while being well adjusted and happy, they do seem to need to be on the go all the time and are not particular good with the duller times. If I had my time again, I think I'd have probably done less if I'm honest. Though not as little as your parents, or indeed my own.

Grew up in the 80s with a single parent family and grandparents nearby. My mum didn't play with me, but took me on walking holidays etc, an occasional board game. Otherwise at weekends she would take me on a bike ride or to an event, theatre occasionally etc but it was expected I would amuse myself in the day. Or go to the shops with grandparents, just hang out at their house and help them watering the beans or whatever. some TV in the evening. With my kids (now teens), despite also working full time I felt a lot of pressure to do actual Activities, lot of crafts, googling special events and play opportunities for children and take them there, etc. Felt like we should do baking etc. Did tons of stuff like that. Making dolly dresses. None of which my mum did with me. I don't regret it at all but I felt an enormous pressure to be curating a lot of wholesome educational and hands on activities. Always read to them til the age of 13 (again, don't regret), but it was all a lot, lotta effort and very much at the expense of any time to myself (or the marriage sadly). I think it was just a cultural shift towards more child centric, rather than child fits in. Don't think either are bad. Will be interesting to see what the next generation does.

I think its going to be interesting to see how the current generation raise their children. The summer you describe would be idea of hell as a child. I'm glad I was left to watch TV and read.

OP, what you are saying is that you are a wonderful parent and your parents were rubbish. You are then making a massive leap that all parents of that generation ago were also rubbish.
As someone who brought children up in the 80s/90/00s, my kids went out with me and sometimes both of us to fun varied activities all the time in the summer holidays. I was a SAHP when our children were young and only worked part time after that so I could take my children out every day. Very few people can afford to do that now.

We now take our grandchildren out to fun and varied activities in their school holidays.

I am a terrible parent as my DC are nearly incapable of entertaining themselves in a constructive way. It drives me bonkers and I am wracked with guilt and exhausted from arranging ‘stuff’.

The youngest isn’t too bad and will play and read and craft etc independently for a while, but they cannot be left alone together without bickering.

I’m well aware that ‘you get out what you put in’ but to be honest after 7 weeks holidays I’m sick of the bloody pair of them and can’t wait for school to start.

I grew up in the 80s/90s and remember long Sunday afternoons when Dad watched the Grand Prix and nothing was open. I was happy just being at home playing or in the garden.

I’m desperately sad my children aren’t using their free time to think for themselves; to let their brains be bored so they think deeper thoughts and get creative.

I’m knackered and I’ve run out of parenting fuel. I think your DC has had a marvellous summer OP. I can only raise you a tired salute!

Op you pretty much describe my childhood in the 80s/90s in the things you have done with them only I had no adult supervision. It was great!

I’m an 80s kid and my childhood was very similar. Looking back I think it was healthy that we knew we were loved but that we came second to the fact the shopping needed to be done or the bathroom needed to be cleaned or even that my nana wanted to watch Corrie!
As a secondary school teacher now, lots of kids seem to need not only to be loved (obviously!) but to be the centre of their parents’ universe. I sometimes wonder if this is why they’re no good at waiting or being bored or just putting up with mildly rubbish situations. When their complete happiness and fulfilment has always been paramount, they lack the resilience to cope with their happiness being threatened.
Not all kids by the way, but definitely a noticeable minority.

You do things differently. I don’t think that equates to a lack of parenting.
my parents left us for hours playing happily and we also have days out and trips to the park. I wouldn’t say the whole generation didn’t parent.

my daughters had a mix too. We never went out both weekends days and some nights we did no clubs we just came home and played. Not every family wants to be doing stuff all the time and it’s ok that we’re all a little different

I often think about this - but it seems lots of children are turning out exactly the same, regardless of these things. In the 80s there was a local playground and that's about it. Maybe a local pool. I was dumped at my grandparents for the entirety of the holidays and my grandmother served delicious meals but otherwise I was entertaining myself inside or in the garden, the whole time. Or I went with my granddad to his local sports club and was fed cake by ancient ladies.
I do worry about creativity of young adults. Constantly being entertained or having a screen means they don't need to invent ways of keeping busy.
It will be interesting to see how the next 20-30 years pan out, I hope I stick around to see.
My generation were the first to have computers at home, but constantly in their rooms, gaming, wasn't a thing. I'm worried about the impact of that. A lot of unsocialised men is a recipe for future disaster, I think.

I think parenting has generally become more child centred over the decades, people used to go to the pub and leave their kids in the car with a packet of crisps back in the day. I can't imagine that happens much any more thankfully.

This ⬆️. It's really very strange that individuals should claim to represent the norm, with no substantive evidence. Neither of her lists represents my childhood or that of my children.

I grew up in the 90s and had a great childhood. My parents took us on camping or caravan weekends and we had day trips to the zoo or theme parks. Every Sunday we went to the local swimming pool. I would love to take my children out more but everywhere is so expensive. They definitely haven’t been anywhere near the amount of places I went to. Neither of my parents were particularly well paid so I don’t know if things were much cheaper then or if they just chose to spend their money on going out?

I do agree that when we were home we entertained ourselves. I never did crafts or baking with my parents like I do with my children.

My kids did loads this summer. But when asked at school they'll say 'chilled out at home '.

I do also wonder how much kids retain of what happened when.

I know we went camping and did plenty but really if you ask me to recall summer my overriding memory is playing on my swing and walking down the road to my friend's house.

Agreed. I think there is a great deal to be said for learning to amuse yourself and even cope with a bit of boredom without making a scene. Back in the 90s I had friends who spent a huge amount of time playing with their children and filling their days with activities. We did a certain amount, certainly far more than my parents ever did for us in the 60s, but we expected our children to find things to do when necessary, and they did. That freed us up to get on with all the household chores and also to have a bit of down time to ourselves.

Hmmm. I don't remember doing much with my parents as a young kid apart from holidays in our little caravan. My db is also nearly 6 years older than me so we didn't have much in common or do much together. I spent my spare time with friends who lived down the road, I was allowed to go & call for them from about the age of 7. Or my cousins, similar age to me would come for the day. We'd always make our own entertainment. Or I'd just make my own entertainment. When my parents split up I missed my dad soooo much because even though neither parent were hugely hands on, I was still very close to him and always felt very loved, by both of them. They didn't hesitate to smack me if I was naughty though, but I guess that's a whole other thread!

I always tried to spend as much quality time as possible with my 2 dds when they were small. Even though it's different to my experience growing up, I felt it was v important. When I asked dd2 how often she'd like to spend time with me when she was about 10, she said "about once a month!" 🤣

We went to loads of places in the 90s- beach , bike rides, museums. I think things were cheaper and less commercial then though and children were less over scheduled.

DS is too young to play out but I've been trying to give him a 90s/00s summer with lots of downtime (sometimes out of necessity!)

Me too! I spent huge amounts of time as a child reading. From a very young age I went to the library on my own (on a bus!) and changed my books. When I had enough pocket money I went to a shop and bought a new Enid Blyton or Chalet School book. Organised outings were few and far between. We went to the playground (no adults in attendance), we played in the field opposite or in front of the garages in the street behind the house, and occasionally we went to visit relatives. We had a fortnight's holiday with our parents every summer but that was often spent visiting family as we lived a long way off. My brother and I were both expected to help out in various ways, again from a very young age - setting the table, washing up, going to the shop, peeling potatoes. That was OK. I would absolutely have loathed being sent to some sort of club.

Also bear in mind that you may have forgotten some activities that your parents did with you because your memory has prioritised the things you did autonomously and/or when you were older - for example had you really never gone swimming until you left home? Did you not ride a bike at any point in your childhood? Had you never had a picnic?

I think the big difference is that parents organise much more now.

We didn’t have organised “play dates” when I was a child. We hadn’t heard of that expression. I would just spontaneously, without consulting a parent, decide to go and see if any of my friends were in and wanted to play. I’d say to my mum “Can I go to Julie’s?” and she’d say yes, and off I’d go for the rest of the morning or afternoon.

Less traffic, less concern about stranger-danger, everyone went to the local school so all your friends lived nearby, fewer commercial children’s activities and venues, less money to spend on them anyway.

At the risk of sounding ancient, I do think children have become the centre of the family's universe which isn't a great idea. An endless stream of structured activities and organised fun stifles them of initiative, independence and imagination. It's also good for them to know that they do have to fit around adults most of the time and not the other way round. As for your mum lying on the couch watching TV all day on a Saturday OP, I don't think that's typical of any generation of parents. I grew up in the 60's and raised my own child in the 80's and don't know anyone who did that unless perhaps they were ill.

Growing up in the 80s I was packed off to relatives while my parents worked. Once I was old enough to be at home alone (around 11) I’d spend the summer amusing myself playing outside with other local kids or watching TV / playing video games. It was just a very different time and culture. (I didn’t grow up in the UK)

My mum is aghast at how child-centric everything has become. I am a bit as well, if I’m honest.

I kind of feel like I spent much of my childhood alone or traipsing around on errands with my parents, and am now spending adulthood doing kid things with my jaded and terminally unimpressed DC. Sandwich generation in a great many ways.

It's inevitable that parents have to organise things for children to cover times when they're working. That was less of an issue when I was growing up, not least because my Mum was a teacher. When my own children were little I had a part-time job I did mostly from home and in term-time, and later on my husband and I would occasionally take the children to work with us. Lots of our colleagues did similar. Later on this was outlawed, but it was a godsend when they were too young to be left at home alone. They sat quietly reading, drawing and occasionally using the internet (huge treat, as we didn't have it at home then).

It doesn't sound like you had a bad time of it though? God forbid your mum wanted to relax on a Saturday 😅

We went to clubs, had abroad holidays, went out to play parks, the parks, played out on our own with no adult supervision, swimming ect, we had nice toys, clothes, house ect

But they didn't play with us... and I really don't think it's a big deal? We had each other and we had friends... and we spent together as a family on days out, activities ect

Things were different back then. People are more child focused these days because it's the norm now. Bare in mind at one point in time it was normal to send your 5 year old to the shop for cigs with a little note! Things change as time goes on.

Gaurenteed when your daughter is older there will be things she will think she's doing better than you because things will be different when she's older