Total lack of effort in parenting-between the 80/90s and now

[Eatthecakeandshush]

This summer my Dd, 7, has:

Been to the beach numerous times
Been to the pool numerous times
Been on playdates
Had playdates at our house
Been to playgrounds
Been to slide park/indoor play place
Been to water parks
Been to cafes & shopping
Had picnics
Had Bbqs with toasted marshmallows
Done baking
Done crafts
Been on bike rides
Been to the skate park
Been to the lake
Been to fairs ….etc etc

I am no perfect parent, nor do I have tons of money.

She has also herself

Made dens
Played in the garden
Played on the trampoline
Played with toys
Swung in the hammock reading
Watched tv
Played games on my phone

At her age, I remember:

Watching a lot of tv
Playing with my toys
Playing on my brothers computer
Reading
Playing in the garden
Making dens
Going to the shopping centre as a treat for clothes-no cafe or McDonald’s etc, but a chocolate bar/sweets at the shops

Bike rides and knocking on at friends houses came later, but always entertaining ourselves

The same with weekends, we would sometimes go into the town shopping with mum, but mainly Saturdays would be spent finding things to do at home and my mum lying down on the sofa watching tv. Sundays were worse with Super gran on tv and literally nothing to do. Sometimes we’d walk to the park but I remember that being rare and it was exciting to drive to the tip with my dad!

The difference between my life and my DD’s is huge. Even things I notice with my parents now. When we go places, I like to choose ones where Dd can be happy/occupied, where there is not really much thought for this. They want to watch the news, which we never watch as Dd is usually watching tv at that point and we’re not really bothered tbh. My parents even seemed a bit put out when I played my dds cd in the car there and back when we all went out in the car recently

I think as kids we were always just expected to go along with what they were doing or sort ourselves out somehow. My dad played with us a lot when able to, mum never did. Definitely no days out that I do with dd or crafts or baking (aside from occasional flapjacks and mince pies at Christmas-which was nice)

I read my school book to my mum every night, but she didn’t do a bedtime story, dad did occasionally, whereas we’ve done that since she was tiny. No one checked my homework or got extra resources for at home to support and so on
We didn’t go to any clubs or summer clubs, when I asked my mum why, she said that I never asked to.

Everything I do is just the standard amongst my peer group for those with kids, in fact I perhaps do less as Dd plays with neighbours a fair bit.

Interesting to think how this generation will grow up compared to how we did, it’s just so different now.

Did anyone else experience similar?

I really like talking to. You as you keep coming out with stuff even I’ve forgotton . Yes I rem
ember being out and about and adults didn’t care about you or like thought they could boss you
Even for harmless things like whistling in the street.

Don’t get me started on the random men who call you a cute child /give you 10p/want a cuddle and your parents would go with it instead of telling them to back of like we do now.

Nice for you but that’s how it was for most of us. Those was dark, boring days for most kids. Thatcher really did leave the rest of us on the scrap heap. Most kids sat in cold classrooms, peeling wall paper and a very boring chalk and talk lessons

I live in SW Cornwall which, despite the holiday brochures, had Objective one funding from the EU as one of the most deprived areas in Europe. Wages were low and we had little money. I worked part time as a waitress and spent what spare cash we had on the DCs. But it doesn't cost money to read to your children, encourage their friends to come over, go out exploring and play sports. I don’t remember any peeling classrooms or boring teaching, certainly not at primary level but your experience was differet from mine, though your reply is not really about parenting.
The harm Thatcher did has spread down the years and we are still experiencing it but it made me more determined to give my DCs a decent childhood, not less.

Yes, this is unlocking so many memories. I think i had a pretty happy childhood, but when I really analyse it, there were some very questionable things going on in the 80s 😬

I'd like to think that it's made me very resilient. I accept that life is random and unfair, and I have to take responsibility for myself as there won't always be someone around to support me and fix my mistakes. If I'm bad there are consequences, if I'm irresponsible there are consequences. I'm pretty sure it's possible to teach those things without so many thrashings tho 🤣

I was born late 70s, so grew up in the 80s and 90s. I had a fantastic childhood. Every bank holiday my parents took us camping, later on they bought a caravan. We went away for 3 weeks every summer holiday. Every birthday I had a party. They used to take me to parks, beaches, daytrips. I dont remember my parents reading to me everynight, but I am 1 of 4 so proablly didnt have the time to do so, but my mum also did cooking with us.

In the 90s I took my DC out and did similar activities to the ones you are doing, as did other mums I knew. My DGC are taken out much less. You cannot generalise as you are doing.
On average kids get less outings than your generation as more mothers work full time and are not available to take them out.

Do you still live in Cornwall? Is it easier now?

I imagine it's just different family situations, and not all down to the time we're living in. We mainly occupied ourselves, but my dad worked days and mum worked nights, so in the holidays she would sleep and we would entertain ourselves (not as small children though). But we had plenty of things to entertain us. I used to be able to do a lot with the children, but we're now running a business and have to work out of the house 5 days, so my kids (14 & 11) have been entertaining themselves on those days. We did go abroad for a week though. My mum and dad now have the free time and money to take my kids out sometimes, but they didn't have either when I was a kid.

Easier for me because I'm a pensioner now, mortgage paid off, regular income. But for young families, I'm not sure. It's still a great place to grow up but non of my DCs can live here because there are few jobs and housing is impossibly expensive. It's not the idyll some imagine but I wouldn't live anywhere else.

Agree with this.

Social media and complete unfettered access to phones doesn't help.

Kids are so under protected online and completely over protected in the real world. It's sad.

I also strongly believe that it's good for kids to be bored at times.

Agree.
I used to be so envious if I'd call a friend and they were 'going out'.
I never even knew where, it didn't matter, what I was jealous of was just getting out the same 4 walls. Mum could have worked and chose not to. No dad on scene. Every day a struggle. Insipid boredom and borderline poverty. I remember being inconsolable because my much older DSis took her newborn to the corner shop without me and I'd been looking forward to it all day 😂

This is why children are the way they are now in terms of being spoilt, having tantrums and generally misbehaving and growing up to be entitled teenagers and adults.

It used to be that children fit into the lifestyle of the parents but now the life of the parent revolves around the child. I really don’t think it’s healthy at all.

You sound like a great mum btw with all the activities and I don’t think your summer sounds excessive by any means but some parents seem to think that if you don’t have an activity planned for your child every night of the week it’s some sort of neglect.

I wonder whether the old trope of "education being wasted on the young", might also have some element of truth wrt the plethora of experiences and entertainment opportunities offered to many children nowadays?

I agree OP. Children then were expected to fit around their parents’ lives - now it’s more the other way around.

Well society had to adjust to the delight of children being no option as no decent contraception eg my DM had 5 last one a 'surprise' in the late 1950s, to choosing to have them AND women having a choice of profession or housework

The pill arrived in the 60s but was married only initially - maybe available to sophisticated wealthy girls about town but your average religious female still risked getting pregnant when she didn't want to be and children were then, sometimes more a burden than a blessing.

More to do with the parents than the times I think

Well my parents in the 50s/60s didn't attend any teacher meetings (nor did any others I know of ), DM played card games, board games occasionally in the winter. DF didn't have much to do with us. I had a good childhood. well fed etc
Going from that to today there had to be a transition phase of the 70s 80s where they did more - droved DCs around a bit, met with the school before getting to today where it is child focussed.

I think you are being unfair labelling this as lack of effort. It sounds more like lack of money, or maybe struggles that you know nothing about, because they were good parents and protected you from their worries. Did they love you? did you have enough to eat? were you sent to school on time and regularly? If you are earning enough now, to do all the things you do with your children, you must have a good job, which points to you coming from a stable background, with a good education. Thanks to your parents! Stop being such a smug, judgemental arse, and just hope your children grow up decent.
The proof of the pudding and all that!

I grew up in the seventies/eighties and totally see the differences. During the summer we were bought a monthly pass for the local swimming pool. We went every day and to the park after with our friends. My DM was a SAHM but there was never any expectation that she’d be accompanying us. In the evenings we attended youth club, swimming classes, drama group, athletics meets. Again my parents weren’t involved in any of that. They paid the fees and watched Coronation Street while we were gone. It was just hands off parenting 🤷🏼‍♀️
My DDs attended a lot of activities - we home educated - it was more the time spent with one another that stands out as being different to me.

What do you wish your parents had done differently?. They sound like good parents who taught you independence.

Sometimes I wished they hadn’t been quite so hands off 😂 it was a case of them giving us the tools and letting us make our own mistakes. My Fathers favourite saying was ‘you can’t put an old head on young shoulders’. Read as ‘don’t ask me, you need to make your own decisions and live by them because that is how you will learn’. I would have liked some guidance and input from them … but they had jobs. My DM ran the house, carried the complete mental load & my DD was the breadwinner. When they had downtime they were tired! I do think nowadays more is expected from parents …

That sounds like our kids childhood. We also had a group of friends rhat we saw alot so we’d meet for picnics etc and all the kids would play together Modern parenting as described by the OP just seems exhausting to me (and I adore my kids and loved having children to bring up) .

I remember similar stuff. Also did you recall been told to wait in the car whilst your mom went to a shop or did some other sort of job? I
Hated that cause there was nothing
to do in the car. It’s like mums back then wanted there space so much and did not care about what you wanted.

also I was dragged around town every Saturday morning. 🥱 but only to shops my
mum wanted to go to, i wasn’t allowed to pause to look at kids stuff, never got a small treat and had to carry lots of bags . I always got hungry /need the toilet whilst shopping but was told to wait until we got home. Mum said she wasn’t spending money on food out and using public toilet.

Ofcourse my mum Denys all this now 🙄😡

@Emmafuller79 Yes it’s amazing how much parents conveniently forget isn’t it! It sounds as though you had a pretty miserable time. I hope your life is much happier now!

I know. What makes it worse if that my mum thinks I should be filling every minute of my kids days with baking, craft, board games, gardening, learn an instrument, outings. And told me to do housework and watch films once the kids are in bed/school🙄

She thinks she did all the above when i was a child. 🤥

my kids wouldn’t want me hovering over them all day! They no there loved!