Total lack of effort in parenting-between the 80/90s and now

[Eatthecakeandshush]

This summer my Dd, 7, has:

Been to the beach numerous times
Been to the pool numerous times
Been on playdates
Had playdates at our house
Been to playgrounds
Been to slide park/indoor play place
Been to water parks
Been to cafes & shopping
Had picnics
Had Bbqs with toasted marshmallows
Done baking
Done crafts
Been on bike rides
Been to the skate park
Been to the lake
Been to fairs ….etc etc

I am no perfect parent, nor do I have tons of money.

She has also herself

Made dens
Played in the garden
Played on the trampoline
Played with toys
Swung in the hammock reading
Watched tv
Played games on my phone

At her age, I remember:

Watching a lot of tv
Playing with my toys
Playing on my brothers computer
Reading
Playing in the garden
Making dens
Going to the shopping centre as a treat for clothes-no cafe or McDonald’s etc, but a chocolate bar/sweets at the shops

Bike rides and knocking on at friends houses came later, but always entertaining ourselves

The same with weekends, we would sometimes go into the town shopping with mum, but mainly Saturdays would be spent finding things to do at home and my mum lying down on the sofa watching tv. Sundays were worse with Super gran on tv and literally nothing to do. Sometimes we’d walk to the park but I remember that being rare and it was exciting to drive to the tip with my dad!

The difference between my life and my DD’s is huge. Even things I notice with my parents now. When we go places, I like to choose ones where Dd can be happy/occupied, where there is not really much thought for this. They want to watch the news, which we never watch as Dd is usually watching tv at that point and we’re not really bothered tbh. My parents even seemed a bit put out when I played my dds cd in the car there and back when we all went out in the car recently

I think as kids we were always just expected to go along with what they were doing or sort ourselves out somehow. My dad played with us a lot when able to, mum never did. Definitely no days out that I do with dd or crafts or baking (aside from occasional flapjacks and mince pies at Christmas-which was nice)

I read my school book to my mum every night, but she didn’t do a bedtime story, dad did occasionally, whereas we’ve done that since she was tiny. No one checked my homework or got extra resources for at home to support and so on
We didn’t go to any clubs or summer clubs, when I asked my mum why, she said that I never asked to.

Everything I do is just the standard amongst my peer group for those with kids, in fact I perhaps do less as Dd plays with neighbours a fair bit.

Interesting to think how this generation will grow up compared to how we did, it’s just so different now.

Did anyone else experience similar?

*mental and physical limits

A ‘lack of effort in parenting’ as you call it is nothing to do with how much you take your child out or give them. You can take them out for expensive treats and days out everyday and still be lacking as a parent. There is this ridiculous notion with today’s parents that you’ve got to have your child doing everything and anything and taking them out all the time and providing activities every couple of hours. That doesn’t make you a good parent whatsoever.

I can beat this - mine have been on the iPad from 7am to 7pm every day!

I spent Saturdays with my two great aunts, single mum was working and they would take me round the shops as they loved buying clothes. We always started with a mcds or BK as they liked fast food then it was round Evans, etam etc. spent hours in the town shopping, I spent all my time looking for seats in the shops then we got home they’d make me run their feet for £1 each! My uncle had the sports news on all afternoon/evening and my auntie got ready for her night out (they had no children) I’d go back home or stay at the other aunts house. It would be whatever tv they wanted to watch and I’d bring a book or magazine to entertain myself. That was fun times.

In the summer I was sent to my grans. She was awful, I was so bored, no other kids out her way to play with, wasn’t allowed to move or speak. Kilroy was on, trisha, supermarket sweep, it was all so boring to watch. I became an amazing reader and would read all the daily newspapers then start to draw bras on the page 3 girls when I had read every article. I got into trouble once for finishing a book in a few hours - what else would I do now!

she did take us out to the beach or park some days but it was very small controlled fun on her terms and a lot of moaning and walking and not enjoying ourselves if my cousin came - she favoured her and we were pitted against each other constantly.

my kids are spoilt rotten but they aren’t spoiled children. They are given lots of happy memories and experiences and I think it’s because of my 90s childhood, being bored is good, it breeds creativity but I felt pretty lonely and unwanted and don’t really see much of my family as a result. I moved out at 16 and went to another country.

In the 1980s/90s?

Interesting but I believe it does children good to entertain themselves, be a bit bored and play with their friends unsupervised. We have a generation of kids who report record levels of anxiety and depression and who believe the world revolves around them. They’re not allowed to feel bored or uncomfortable or put up with tedious things because it suits the parents. They have to be stimulated all the time and have parents who bend over backwards to make their kids lives exciting and fun. But it hasn’t made this generation of kids any happier. The best parent is the good enough parent.

Op I’d guess a lot of what you did with your child is done by a lot of people now but they’re also stuck in front of screens more, sent off to childcare etc etc as wrecked parents try to get them minded as they have to work. We were in front of the tv a lot as kids, but my parents definitely talked to us a lot, brought us to the park/ for walks/ watched while we made dens/ played (and they weren’t on screens as we would be now and spent solid time with us, so uninterrupted, not all day long but solid better time than I do with my kids as I try to organise things, answer texts and phone calls/ write emails, organise childcare and appointments etc.

Yes, I grew up in the 90s and it was pretty much exactly as you described.

My life is definitely more centred around my DC, and doing fun things for them at weekends and on holidays. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to be a parent. I get a lot of joy from their joy.

I think it is important that children can entertain themselves at home too and have downtime. But Saturday’s aren’t dominated by the supermarket big shop every week like when I was a child.

I was born in the 90s and I even agree with you. We were expected to entertain ourselves and very rarely ever went on family days out to the likes of the zoo or an aquarium. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I went to those places as a kid. We were expected to play with our siblings, play with the toys all year that we got for Christmas and birthdays and watch tv but the minute dad entered the room the tv remote was his. I dont really remember my mom ever sitting and doing baking or crafts with us, my dad was always working. I dont really remember getting read bedtime stories.
We lived very rurally so we didn't have alot on our doorsteps or friends around the corner, but we did have a lot of land and garden to play in. You were largely expected to play on your own or with your siblings and that was it really.

I think there is a balance to be struck between allowing a child to be 'bored' and taking them out and experiencing life beyond their own four walls.

I enjoy taking my dd out to experience different places. I spend time looking for a free and low cost places to go, with the odd paid for trip out. She is only 7 years old and I know the years of enjoying being out with mum don't last long (I also have teens who don't want to hang out with boring mum so much😏) I want to enjoy the time with her whilst I have it.

If she does wail she is boooored then I may give a few suggestions of things she can do, but other than that I leave her to figure it out. Usually she comes up with something, which is better than my suggestion of chores!

Your childhood sounds lovely and relaxed. Like your parents did things with you but were background figures: allowing you time to relax, entertain yourself and figure out your own interests.

Your daughter's life sounds a bit hectic and over scheduled to me. Yes, it sounds like she knows how to entertain herself as you have listed a few things she has done independently there but personally I would worry that that level of intervention (and expense!) would become expected and would be unsustainable long-term.

In families it is important that everyone's needs are balanced and it sounds as if you are putting an awful lot of focus - in terms of time, resources and finances - on your daughter. Do you also get time to fulfill your own needs and interests? I don't think you can be a happy, balanced and stable parent without that.

Same here OP. I am a late 70's child and don't recall any days out in the school holidays at all. We were really left to our own devices so I recall lots of bike rides on my own or popping to see school friends on my bike. I am not entirely sure that my mum even knew where I was most days. She was, and still is, quite self absorbed etc..My kids have a totally different experience. Whether or not their experience is better than mine, only time will tell! I certainly think they will feel more connected to their parents because of such because of the amount of time that we spend with them.

I totally get what you mean. It’s not about activities, it’s just a lot of our parents just expected us to raise ourselves. Be quiet, go away and get on with it. I made myself as small and independant as possible so as not to bother them. Even when I told them about being bullied at school, it was a “me problem” in that I wasn’t standing up for myself. The idea of them going to talk to my teachers was absolutely laughable. I would never get to choose the music in the car, or what was on tv.

we were middle class ‘proper’ well to do family and if you ask my parents they think they were amazing parents.

Structured child focused activities now have gone way too far- too much rushing about. I also see kids shoved on iPads everywhere and find this really sad! They need to learn to just entertain themselves — our childhood weekends involved doing the food shop as the highlight! I remember being put in front of the TV while my parents laid down to rest then we all watched Saturday night TV together. No constant streaming. Play in garden / out with friends. Not sure what we did in winter.

My childhood was in the 60s and we were pretty much left to our own devices. We were also poor. Very poor.
My DC were born in the 90s and had the childhood you describe for your DC.
So I don't think it's related to the 90s, more money and attitudes.

You also have only one child, I think that does mean you inevitably put more effort into outings etc. I've got three and they really can entertain themselves for hours.

In the 80s watched a lot of tv, read a lot of comics, and played in the garden/park every day. In the 90s I played a lot of computer games and listened to music with friends. Parents were not expected to constantly provide your entertainment.

I do think some stuff has changed; parents do seem to spend a lot more time actively parenting these days. Some of it is good (I'm afraid there were kids at my secondary school who you wondered what their parents had been doing the last 11 years), but I also think there is over parenting and a reluctance to let kids be bored/not get what they want etc and I suspect it's not doing them any favours in the long run. The outside world won't be centered around them. My parents were very clear they didn't want a spoilt child!

I’m a bit younger than you (Gen Z, my childhood was about 2000-2013) but I had a very different experience. I remember a lot of paid and free activities, if I had an interest my mum would follow up with resources or classes. I did art classes, horse riding, girl guides, basketball, skiing, swimming, little athletics etc. We went to the theatre a lot, out to the movies, the zoo, library, beach etc. I travelled quite a lot - usually Disneyland in California are the memories that stick out but less exciting things too.

I’m now a SAHM to a toddler and we do get out and about doing some kind of activity everyday. That includes free and cheap things like the park, library, playgroup, seeing friends and family but also paid activities like swimming lessons, music and baby gymnastics etc.

Sadly I think you may have had parents who were just a bit less engaged in parenting than others or had a more laid back approach.

Boredom is the mother of creativity.

Hit post too soon.

But I had a lot of the parental involvement you describe as for today's kids. They absolutely talked to me and taught me stuff and read bedtime stories (although I wish they'd carried on longer) and we baked and planted things in the garden and I dread to think how many hours they spent making sure we weren't drowning in a pool/river/lake/sea. We went on bike rides, Dad took us to the park, there was the odd treat in a café. And we also had plenty of indirected play when they wanted to read the paper.

My childhood was the 80s/90s and we went on plenty of days out (mostly things like museums and the very occasional theme parks) did summer activity camps and did things like bike rides, beach trips, walks in the countryside etc. We also did swimming lessons, I did football and we did Guides, went to church every week and did church youth groups. We also played out a lot in the summer. Pretty similar to your daughters childhood so I wouldn't necessarily say your childhood was because of the time period.

Mine have a similar childhood to mine although they certainly don't appreciate/have the enthusiasm for the activities that I did and I think that's because they'd be more than happy spending all their time watching YouTube or the like.

I think you are wrong to conflate children having downtime as ‘lazy parenting’.

My parents were highly conscientious and knowledgable about child development (in the 90s). I never went to a single theme park and I didn’t go abroad until secondary school. Every summer holidays we went to the same seaside town, stayed in the same holiday cottage for 4 weeks and my siblings and I spent the summer playing on the beach, having picnics, reading, fishing, doing arts and crafts and making up imaginary games for hours on end.

It was a wonderful, happy, secure, stimulating childhood.

Being busy doing planned activities every day does not necessarily equal better parenting.

What is? Unless you mean your own “comment” 👍

Pretty much standard for me and my friends. We didn’t even want are mums to amuse us. On occasion especially on Sundays If we ever said we was bored etc we would be ignored or sent out to the garden. Also We was aware our dads kept belts that they would use if we whined more then
once.

when did all this change? 🤔