Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Look up DARVO. Then book a counselling appointment and perhaps talk to Womens Aid.

TBH I would be annoyed if I was getting a lot of text messages about my behaviour. However, I would also be able to discuss things face to face. The fact he is happier when you say nothing just indicates he does not want to take any responsibility for his actions.

I think you're a bully too along with Hardgum81.

I could have written your post. My ex partner has been abusing me and the kids in all sorts of ways for 5 years. He always denies or lies or deflects or flips it back on to me when I try to defend us or point out his abuse. His also always the victim for champion is his story’s he tells people including me. He is never sorry or changes or admits his wrong.

Please stop sending him texts as I can bet your bottom dollar he will save them and one day show them to friends to make out your unhinged or worse will show them to the police. Also make sure he’s not recording you. This is exactly what happened to me. The police arrested me a few days ago cos of lies he told to them about me. The police realised he was the unhinged one but he is just calling of us liers and that’s the classic mindset of a narc/abuser.

I don’t want to be to outing but there’s so much more to it then I’m typing here. Protect yourself or you could end up being accused of being the abuser or arrested. If you won’t more details just ask or PM me. ❤️🥰

He gets angry because he’s a controlling arse by the sounds of it.
He’s learnt that getting angry has stopped you talking through any issues, so this's is just another step in shutting you down and getting his own way

Honestly he sounds like an absolute prat. When he says ‘Triggering’ what he means is ‘inconvenient’. At best he’s a moron. At worst abusive

Ditto. Can I ask did you come out the other side? X

@Soconfusedaboutitall please end the marriage. For your sake, your husbands sake and especially your daughters sake.

You and your husband are unable to communicate. Therefor the marriage is already dead. You are both creating a toxic environment for your child.

This in buckets.

Dad of my 3 kids can say and shout and swear at us as he pleases and he admitted that as well to are faces…. But if we dare to point out his shit attitude he’s the victim, lies , phones SS on me, comes out with really odd logic and slams doors etc .

i wander how many men are like this?

Just because someone comes on here in good faith for advice it doesn’t always mean they’re the victim. We only have 1 side of the story.

Why do you keep assuming everyone is a man? Because they have a different opinion to you?

Absolutely none of my posts are undermining the OP.

And I haven't mentioned men at all 😳

I saw your previous post to another MNetter where you assumed they were male without asking them, but I didn't comment on it?

I think you've mixed me up with someone else.

Easier said then done. Not all women have support networks or even no there rights. If the OP had privileges like that she wouldn’t be asking for advise on here. 🙄

Strange reply when this was the post you agreed with, ignoring all the abuse.

Well, we all know that as women we simply can't be wrong, and it's ALWAYS the man's fault

Regardless of whether or not you are a narcissist...

He's bad tempered
He's horrible to your child
You can't talk to him
He feels abused/controlled
He spends all the money

What are either of you (and especially your child) getting out of continuing the relationship??

It's dull and unoriginal but used to be quite a common 'gotcha' many years ago on MN.

Quite why they feel assuming a poster is a member of 50% of the world's population is an insult, is beyond me.

@Emmafuller79 Yes, left him after 19 years of marriage, had a transformational therapist who helped me understand his behaviour and my vulnerability to it. And, now, I'm in a happy contented place. Still have to deal with the ex in parenting contexts, but helps to understand where his rants/rages are coming from, draw firm boundaries and stick to them. Hope you got out okay too!

That’s preaching to the converted .. Men like him would lie to councillors or refuse to go. I no this as the dad of my kids lies to everyone about me and even accused our kids of somehow abusing him. Your comments aren’t helpful.

Then you need to brush up on your reading skills since I've stated many times that this man is abusive and the OP needs to leave him.

I hear you lady. 🥰If I had a pound for every time I heard this or thought about this. Have you looked into family courts and how they literally grant access to abusive dads to have overnight/weekend access to there kids? The dads use this term/loophole of parent alienation and it’s so wrong of lawyers to allow it. It needs to stop. Kids have literally died cos of dads abusing that loophole and mums have killed themselfs to. It’s shocking that this is a thing in Modern age Britain…

What do you get from this relationship that keeps you together?

Hmmmmmm seems like projection to me…..

Strange thing to ask. Does it make the abuse ok if the child isn’t his? 🙄

@Soconfusedaboutitall I’ll be brutally honest here, because I think you need to hear this.

You do come across as very controlling BUT (and it’s a big BUT) , you’ve resorted to these types of behaviours because you’re trying to parent and run a house with an immature and reckless man child. He can’t communicate properly with you or your daughter, he shouts, he gets angry, he spends more than finances allow etc. You ARE trying to control his behaviours, because they aren’t the behaviours of a functioning, well adjusted adult. However , you have turned into his mother . You keep trying various things in the hope he will change. He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t have to change. Why would he? He will never change.

In light of all this , The real question is … how long can you keep living like this? How long will your daughter live like this? You might be powerless to change him, but you can change your situation.

You poor lady. This is my life. I literally tred on egg shells.

Again I could have wrote this. If I don’t budget he has a go at me and if I do he calls me controlling. What’s one to do? 😔

You’re doing a sterling job. You’re so polite even with the rude people relying back to you.

How is it criticising though? She’s telling him to not waste money because that’s what his doing . That’s money that should be for there little ones not just him. She literally should not have to tell another so called adult such a basic thing, so please don’t flip it back on to her. You sound like the OP’s husband and like my kid’s dad as well

Please look up what criticising means then come back and chat.