Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

No, you are not my love.
He is the abusive and controlling narcissist, not you.

As others have said read up on DARVO.
Then when you are good and angry and have stopped doubting yourself, get your financial ducks in a row and consult a divorce lawyer.

Texting is a very artificial way of communicating. It's not good for nuances and can be intrusive. On the other hand, if a proper conversation can never be had without DH losing it, that's not good either.

I think that both of you would benefit from couples counselling where you can both learn to talk to each other with a neutral party present and are both put in a position of having to listen carefully, and having to give your interpretation of what was said by the other - which is often a misinterpretation of what was really meant. If you can learn to communicate in this more disciplined environment, an environment which allows misunderstandings to be quickly corrected, there might be hope. But I just don't think texting is the answer, although I appreciate the reasons for resorting to it.

OP’s seems you now think this is your thread 🤣

One thing for start- narcissists don't care if somebody will call them narcissist. You sound like a person who is too worried witg his opinion for a narcissist. Narcissist gaslight, manipulate and shift the blame and never feel guilty, never say I am sorry

No, it absolutely does not sound like you're an abusive narcissist. It sounds like he is a controlling bully and you're scared of him.

It's pretty obvious you are male - you are angry, bombastic and seem to be taking pleasure in bullying this poor beleaguered woman who is just trying to get advice.

Sorry if that means I am a narcissist' or abusive'😃

I think the abusive one is the one shouting at a small child and it IS wrong.

I totally get you OP. I was in a similar relationship, I just couldn't work out a way to communicate with my ex at all- speak to him and he'd blow up and argue and shout at me. So I'd text or even email and I still couldn't get my point across about how I was feeling.
I went to therapy because I thought it was me and with my therapist worked out that I was in an abusive relationship.
I don't know if you are too, but ultimately.if you aren't happy you don't need an excuse or label to separate from someone.

'Triggered' by txt messages...

Is he 14?

Narcissists will accuse others of many things, but these will be things that they themselves are guilty of.

Agree with this. Even when I was very young I picked up on atmosphere; as did my sister. She constantly tried to smooth the way and to her detriment became a people pleaser. I ended up having a crap relationship with my mum to this day - because I could always see my dad’s POV. Kids know.

I can’t believe some of the shit I’m reading here. You sound absolutely fine, OP - just at the end of your tether. He’s trying to train you never to stand up for yourself or your daughter. I don’t think sending messages is ideal, but what are you supposed to do if he can’t have a calm discussion? And a shared document to communicate with him, as suggested by a PP? Fuck. That.

Based purely on what you've said, no.
Refusing to have reasonable discussions in a relationship and tantruming about any pushback on excessive shouting at a small child...classic DARVO. He is the abuser here.
I was a relationship like this and it doesn't get better. It makes you feel crazy trying to express how you feel but having to tiptoe around on eggshells to stop him blowing up because he can't have a respectful conversation...it's bad for you and your kid to live in fear like that.
I would stop the messaging because he will never listen or change but I would continue to email myself or a friend/relative to document each incident. This will provide the paper trail you need to hopefully get full custody. Good luck.

Agreed he is abusive to the daughter.

However, continually messaging someone when they've told you to stop, is also abusive.

She needs to find another way to deal with this and given how he treats their daughter, and spends money on fags, leaving the weekly shop short of things like fruit and veg, I'd say she needs to deal with it by leaving him ASAP.

This won't resolve, it'll only drag on until it really affects the 7 year old, if it hasn't already.

There's something way off about this post. You sound irrationally angry.

I imagine that's how DD feels. And she can't just get up and walk away.

OP parental differences of opinion might be do we use time out or not. It's not do we scream at our child or not. As for the budgeting can't you agree on discretionary spends? Once you've each spent that (his can be on his fags) then tough. I wouldn't want anyone policing my spending but you also have to be mature enough to stick to a household budget.

The fact that you are reflecting on whether you're in the wrong and questioning your behavior is evidence you are not a narcissist. In my experience and from everything I've read about narcissists (a lot), I understand that narcissists are incapable of genuine self reflection and never blame themselves for anything. It's all caused by someone else. Narcissists also like to communicate by talking because they can use word salads, verbal abuse and manipulation (off any records) and more easily run rings around others. Resorting to communicating by text is a reasonable thing to do if you feel like you are not being heard and can't have a calm , rational two way conversation with him because of his defensive. Sounds to me like DH might be the narcissist. Agree with the other person that mentioned DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender) - look it up.

Hi OP, I don't post that much but some previous posters appear to have reading comprehension issues and I also don't like it when they decided to have a pile on for no particular reason especially when you are asking for help to understand what's going on.

My take on what OP has said is that her husband has a bad temper, won't discuss anything without it turning in to an argument and that is why she now texts.

OP is now at the point she can't bring anything up because of the way he reacts. In my book that's coercive control.

Her husband is also spending money on his wants when they don't have enough money for the basics.

OP, the way he's behaving towards you and your daughter isn't right and it sounds like he's the abusive narcissist.

If you could get someone to babysit your DD and tried to have a conversation about the issues how would he reacts, if he would react badly and blame you for everything then you're in an abusive relationship.

If you feel you can't have this conversation with him because of his response then it's not a good marriage.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, can you speak to your GP re counselling for yourself or you could speak to Women's Aid or you could read up on coercive control and see if his behaviour fits.

From the sounds of it if you went for marriage counselling then he wouldn't accept responsibility for his part in it and if he is abusive it isn't recommended any way.

I think you need to read up about coercive control and find out where you would stand if you were to separate, at least that way you can decide what's best for you and your DD if he isn't prepared to work with you sorting out the communication issues and how he treats you and your DD.

Are you sure its not that you just can't accept he has a different opinion to you on things like discipline etc. You do come across as its my way only and frankly your messages are controlling and a pita. The child is hus daughter too not just yours.

Hi OP, I don't post that much but some previous posters appear to have reading comprehension issues and I also don't like it when they decided to have a pile on for no particular reason especially when you are asking for help to understand what's going on.

Lol, well thank goodness you arrived on your white horse.

I thought the same, you definitely come across as a man.

I am surprised by this thread. Op you seem to be getting some strange responses, but I wanted to say I truly hear you. You are being muzzled. Prevented from having an opinion or to challenge anything.

To me your messages seem to be about avoiding arguments in front of dd which is understandable.

I think you should consider a trial separation - and see what life is like without him. Your child DOES deserve a loving, calm home and so do you, it’s a very basic expectation.

Did you miss the losing his temper and shouting? The using their money for his own needs and leaving them short?

All your post are undermining OP, who has come on here in good faith for advice.

As I said about a previous poster, I don't mind men on Mumsnet at all, but there is no need for men to come on here to bully and put down genuine posters who are clearly struggling.

But in a previous post you've insisted your child isn't aware of any tension in the house at all. Don't let your daughter by verbally abused by her father, take her to safety. Also do a course on experiencing/ life after domestic violence because you need to build your self esteem and life skills. You are your daughter's only advocate.