Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

She's already said the kid's age

Its not getting worse it’s whats happening and im trying to answer what people ask

No she explained she texts because he can’t stay calm both with her AND their daughter…a child …

Everyone reacts differently I suppose - I'd be horrified if my partner criticised me and then followed it up in writing like they thought they were my line manager. At best it suggests a complete loss of trust.

You’ve met my ex husband then 🤣

You sound like a bully yourself.
I don't mind men on Mumsnet at all, but cut it out.

Holy shit. That’s really sinister, and definitely abusive, seeing OP’s written abuse defined as a paper trail and accountability. What a way to think! Talk about twisting the facts.

How unkind are you, I came here for advice, perfectly willing to be told its all me as I wouldn’t have posted, but I also know in my heart so much is wrong on his side

Oh please! Under siege 🤣 just stop shouting at your daughter then

This is called projection, he is a narcissist most likely. Read the book ‘it’s not you’ by dr ramani.

Then you are consigned a role of silent acquiescence. Ask him, if i cant talk to you face to face because it becomes an argument immediately, but I can't also send you it in writing so you have time to read and digest before reacting, then what am I left with?

Ask him, what is triggering you? The method or that I'm saying anything at all that you don't like? You can't be in a relationship, particularly when parents, without having some disagreements and times both parties need to communicate a worry or issue. Is he to just go through life doing what he wants all the time? Then he needs to be single.

I don't doubt it's happening and I never said otherwise.

Him spending money on fags while his daughter can't have fruit and veg, is just another reason you need to wake up and leave this man.

So I’m a man because I think OP’s behaviour is poor? 😂

If you can't talk to him, what are you supposed to do - Morse Code? Semaphore?

You need, I think, some mediation. Someone who will listen to you both impartially and hopefully, help you both to move forward. You say you're willing to see a counsellor but is he?

Without this, I don't give much for the chances of your marriage surviving.

You're very defensive of the husband here, why is that? The husband won't talk to her, he gets angry when she tries to talk to him so she texts him, yet you say she's wrong to do that. What do you suggest she does?

It's a very bad idea to go to counselling with an abusive partner.

You seem over-invested in this thread and your replies are bullying at worst and unhelpful at best.

Something very off about all this. Yep, think I’ll leave it be. Ultimately, there’s a 7 year old with two people that shouldn’t be together

Or….a serious attempt to ask him to reflect on his temper toward her and their daughter…he even said it “triggered” him …triggered what…seeing your behaviour shared in a calm way?

Agreed. There's been a few nasty bullies on here the last few days

Then don’t give him access, report it to social services your child is being abused.

Nope, but I’m pretty sure they would feign naivety and innocence and post on a social media platform asking strangers for an opinion about their filtered personality, querying if they could be a narcissist (“I’m not, am i? 🥹”) so they can go back to their long-suffering DH with the inevitable “See, they all agree with me 😏”.

@Soconfusedaboutitall is he shouting and screaming at a young child, spending money so much you don’t have enough for food and stops iou saying anything in part because messages trigger him and in part because you desire a calm house which doesn’t exist

Are you in the habit of laughing at victims of domestic abuse when they describe how it feels? Interesting. Says a lot about you.

What daughter? 🙄

I don’t think he’s abusive, so your point is moot 🤷‍♀️

Mediation isn’t recommended when someone is abusive ..plus they often suggest exercises with…..horror 😱🙀things written down…this might be too much for ‘Mr Temper shouts at children’ to bear