To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

It’s technically not his inheritance. For all you knew she has left it to a Guinea pig charity

You really don't sound like a very kind person at all. You just find fault with her. She is your husband's mother and gave birth to him. You have listed all your expectations of her and have also made some very negative comments. I can partially, as an older person, identify with her. She is trying her best by getting a taxi to see her son. Have you ever looked at it from her perspective? I only hope you are never in this position yourself with your now baby writing the same thing on social media. You sound like one of these modern 'mamazillas' who knows it all according to what you want and your expectations and the rubbish you read on social media or see amongst your friends. In reality you probably know very little about how the world actually works. Is she emotionally abusive? Did she treat your husband cruelly when he was a child? Is she a narcissist? If no, to all of that then I suggest you go away and have a good re-think.

Ok the more you post OP it’s clear you don’t like her.

I get the cleanliness thing, I wouldn’t want to visit either. But that’s why you need to host her

More fool and stupid you. Let her cough and get dehydrated. She’s pathetic and useless. Why do you care she starves, stop rushing around cooking and cleaning.
if she leaves snot filled tissues around why are you not pulling her up on this.
she can’t play the ‘widow’ card till she dies, she’s had 30 years of doing that. Just stop all the pandering to her.
leabe her to fend for herself and maybe she won’t come back. Can’t believe this is a grown adult woman you are speaking about and not a bratty toddler.

No sorry, your expectations are too high here. I’ve just bought a voucher instead of ‘stuff’ for my best friend’s 12 year old. Sometimes it’s nice not to be overloaded with stuff, and money can be put towards their future or something like a day out.

Please reflect on what money and gifts mean to you.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

God forbid the woman who brought your DH up as a widowed single parent should be allowed to see him because it uses too much of her money.

Bloody hell.

And two of you should be able to manage a baby and toddler, peel an extra portion of carrots for Christmas Dinner and get her a glass of water.

You seem to lack any sense of ‘family’ outside the inheritance issue.

Horrible.

She sounds as though she is very needy emotionally, as well as anxious. As though she wants to be "taken care of" and therefore doesn't do anything for herself. And doesn't pick up child or do anything in the house for fear of dropping. So quite a mix of negativity and manipulation. I would not be putting up with the manipulative coughing, or crying if its suggested she do something for herself. But is she actualIy afraid to handle getting her own drink in case she drops it? Is she also forgetful? say about not kissing the baby or otherwise going back on things she has agreed not to do? It is complicated, but

1. You need to say no to this Christmas as suggested above (she has other options so will not be alone unless she chooses to); and
2. You need to get your DH onside and support you on this and generally. it was quite disturbing to read that he let you "rush around" waiting on his DM when 37 weeks pregnant.

She's not spending your DH's inheritance, she is spending her own bloody money and is entitled to do so. From your tone I hope she leaves whatever is left to Battersea Dogs' Home - the entitlement of you suggesting that she is spending 'your' money when it's her money!

It is not his inheritance until she dies. Presumably her husband left their money to her, it is her money to spend, and leave to whom so ever she chooses.
You should have her to stay and suck it up, you still have your husband and family and she is alone. It's only a few days.
Ask her directly to help in the home, and be specific in what you want her to do.

With new baby and toddler chaos, and if MiL is inevitable, can you do a ready meal Christmas? DD won‘t be fussed by food and you‘ll be velcroed to the baby. Is there somewhere out of DDs reach that you can stick a buffet/jugs of water so that MiL can at least try to help herself. And if you know what gift amount is then can you buy a present from MiL for DCs? And tell her. Get DH to emphasise that it‘s a buffet Christmas this year. He needs to tackle/wrangle her

She's showing signs of early dementia. My Mum was the same, she want's you to treat her like a baby, wanting attention and be waited on, crying ...... ignoring your toddler as a threat ......

When I first read the op I thought "she has chosen not to find another partner and only had one child" was like saying that if she had more family it would be easier on you and it's annoying that she hasn't, and then the taxi/not working/inheritance thing is pretty bad. Maybe you're a lot more resentful than you realise op? It's coming across quite strongly😬

I still think a good solution is her staying in a hotel though, less work for you and she can still come to your home for Christmas. But it will cost inheritance money.

Thank you - I felt like I was going crazy not being completely subservient 😂. Most people when we say she spends £700 on taxis are flabbergasted so I was surprised people seem to think it's fine here.
Not only refuses to wash her hands but kissed our 6wk old newborn on the face after being asked not to.
DH can't drive - been waiting for a test for a crazy amount of time.
MIL liked to drive him round, to make DH dependent on her when he was younger, so didn't encourage him to learn to drive.
So when she comes to visit of course it is moi driving us here there and everywhere. And doing all of the drives to visit.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.
Boy, you really are grabby. Her time, her money, her pension. It is not your husband's inheritance until she dies. Even then he may not get anything as all the money may be taken up in care home fees and medical bills. I think your posts say so much more about you than about your MIL.

FFS you can't take care of 2 small children on your own? Most of us manage it.

YANBU but this is a tricky one. She sounds identical to my mum. Completely self absorbed and wanting to be waited on rather than mucking in. My own mum insists on spending Christmas with us, just tells us she's coming. My golden child brother always manages to wriggle out of it somehow. 2 years ago we had a massive falling out at Christmas when we told her we were going to friends for the day and could she go home. Accused us of kicking her out. Took us over a year to recover. So now we've decided if she wants to spend Christmas with us then we will go away somewhere. Last year we did center parks which was absolutely lush. So easy for us to escape using the kids as an excuse and mum was happy enough in the villa. Could that be an option? Whatever you do there will be fall out from this so you'll need to tread carefully. Could you or your DH contact the friends and ask them to extend an invite to her? I'm sure if you explain it's just too much for you but you don't want to have her feeling rejected they'll understand. Good luck!

How has she not worked ? If she raised your dh
ans how on earth does that mean her money so your dhs

just tell her you are invited but you’re gotta pull your weight
yes she might be a bit upset but it will improve Things for all

If your Dh is on board then set it for this Christmas that you want Christmas alone just you, Dh, toddler and baby. She has time to arrange to see her close friends at Christmas, the ones who do host every year. It's August.

My own Mum said when we had Ds that if we wanted to stay home and not get in a car and travel 3 hours with a small baby she would completely understand. We did this journey or a couple of years and then we moved closer to both sets of family.

I think it is nice to have Christmas morning with your own children and not others, even if you see other people later on. She could live into her 90s so this could go on for a long time.

I have PIL who were waited on hand and foot and it is annoying. We were also not allowed in their kitchen even though it was DH's childhood home where he grew up and made himself food and drink. Fortunately we were able to talk to them about it and so now we can go into their kitchen to get a drink. They still expect to be waited on hand and foot here though.

Yes but she will then want me to come and pick her up, or arrange her taxis there and back as she won't arrange her own even if given the number for a local cab company.

Re. the cheque situation - you can POST the cheque to your bank so you do not have to go there.
If you do not have any stamps - you can order them from most supermarkets when delivering food to you (asda and ocado do it I know) or order them delivered to you by Royal Mail. So you do not have to go to the Post Office either ( hopefully you have nearby post box).

Nobody has told you to be subservient.

Lots of banking apps let you deposit cheques digitally.

This really sounds to me like more of a DH problem.
He needs to be clear on expectations of her o er the Xmas period. So he needs to tell her to help herself to drinks, to help prepare the food, maybe suggest you go halves on a Takeaway one night etc.
Her paying for taxis is fine. I have MH issues, I could not get on a train and it sounds like she has found a workable solution that does not impact on you.
Presumably you and DH can manage the children? We had 4, we managed to look after them without help. She doesn’t sound confident enough to do that side of things.

But that’s a choice you are making, that’s on you.

you don’t have to keep adding on/making up stuff about her to try and get people on side. If you don’t want to host with a little baby then that’s fine.

You've picked more faults with this woman than I can count in this thread. Yet you still expect and accept gifts and money from her. To be honest if it's so hard for your DH to get his mum a glass of water or for you to put a slice of cheese between two slices of bread then no, you absolutely shouldn't be hosting her.

You're also talking about two adults managing a 3 month old baby and another child like it's some kind of colossal task. It really isn't.