To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I think YABU!
It’s 3 days in the year and over a very special period for most.

Rather than telling her she isn’t welcome this year, wouldn’t it be better to ask her to help herself to refreshments etc so that it makes things easier for everyone else, explaining the situation with the children and you still getting used to the new routine and demands?

Considering she’s a widow and will pay £700 in travel fees just to be with her family, I would host her.

I’ve said YABU as even though she might not be the best house guest she is your DH mother. Surely we can all have some kindness, particularly at Christmas

I couldn’t leave anyone alone at Christmas.

I do however think you should stop waiting on her hand and foot. I’d just let her go thirsty.

What she spends money on is her business, not yours and not even your DHs.

Be careful you wish for, if your mil does find a partner to take the burden off you you might find ‘your’ inheritance gets misdirected.

You really don’t sound like you like her at all.

"Last weekend blowing nose into tissues and leaving them all over the sofa"... you said you barely see her. How do you know this is going on? You are just lying in an attempt to back track and make it appear as though you are concerned about your child and getting the cold from a widow who sounds like she doesn't get out much (I.e., very little risk of her getting baby sick and more risk the other way around!). Your inheritance entitlement, gross. I'm surprised your poor MIL wants to be anywhere near you OP. You sound awful.

It is her money no one elses

His inhertance?! She isn’t dead yet. She could leave all her money to the cat and dog shelter.

Maybe she doesn't want to overstep in your home
I'm sure that's it, aye

If you’re complaining that cashing a cheque for a gift of money that someone gave you is a bit of a pain, it speaks so poorly of you and your character. You sound utterly selfish - what chance does your poor MIL have when you’re inventing piss-poor reasons to complain about her?

You want want want and will take endlessly but aren’t prepared to give in the slightest.

Your DH would be happier if he spent Christmas just with his children and his mother, without you and your resentful crappy attitude. Spend it on your own with no one to care about, care for or ‘wait on’, you’ll be happier.

I just couldn't do it, especially at Christmas. I would suggest to everyone that you all spend some of the inheritance and go out for Christmas Lunch somewhere together. That'll get you all 'out of the trenches' 🙄for a few hours.

Don't break someone's heart at Christmas.

Early 70s, very fit and well, goes on long hikes with her walking group.

My brother and I are orphans. So I really put up with a lot because I value MIL deeply and don't want to fall out with her. I suspect we will be sleep deprived and exhausted and my biggest worry is we'll lose our rag with her at Christmas.

Prior to us having children we'd go to MIL once a month for the weekend and every Christmas, Easter etc.

She needs to see the GP about her anxiety. Why not get DH to go with her when he visits and perhaps see about using her money for counselling?

I am not sure if I have missed it, but do you have your own family to see at Christmas? Most families alternate and this should be what is suggested.

I don't think YABU not wanting to host. If she doesn't eat what you offer then I would suggest she gets it herself. If she cries about this then I think maybe tough love is needed - tell the toddler grandma is being silly and can make a sandwich. Otherwise I would again bring up the GP and talk about whether she is capable of living alone, as how does she manage there for food if she can't make a sandwich at yours? Maybe even suggest she might benefit from a sheltered accommodation type home with a warden and communal areas to see whether she would like this.

I do think YABU for moaning at how she spends her money. If she wants to use it on taxis then that's up to her. For all you know any money after she dies could be left to charity anyway so DH might not be getting the pay out he is imagining.

I don't know why she should have moved on and re-married if she did not want to. We live our lives as we choose, hopefully, and she wished to stay a widow. She sounds a bit of a pain but I have never, ever changed a DGC's nappy, though I did babysit a couple of times. I suspect I am also the sort of GM you would not find 'useful'. I do get my own drinks in my DD's house, but not in my DDiL's house, there I would wait to be offered - seems entirely reasonable to me. Getting your own drinks/food in an iL's house seems very rude.
I feel sorry for your MiL - though taking a £350 taxi ride seems extravagant!

As for meals, just add one extra in, no need to do anything different.

But the OP's said 'She often doesn't want to have what we eat either and will say she just wants something small, and will only say it after I've stuck the roast in the oven.'

Quite.

Perhaps the OP or her DH should learn to use online and phone banking.

I’m profoundly glad my DiLs and SiLs are nothing like the OP and that despite the chaos we hosted PiLs and DPs as often as we could before they died (including with two full time jobs and 4 under 5yrs old). Mind you, we also encouraged them to spend their money whilst they could enjoy it rather than prefer them to sit home hoarding “our inheritance”. I’d call reverse but I’ve met people who see their parents first and foremost as a source of money and its not pretty.

That is controlling behaviour. Do her beans on toast and say so - she will immediately want the roast, of course.

I think you sound quite mean. So you’d prefer her to spend the holiday time alone. One day you won’t have her at all.

Outfits cost more than £15 I'd assume?

And cheques can be paid in via apps????

Would she ever contemplate moving closer to you, so she would only need to pop in then and not stay

You lost any sympathy I had at ‘spending his inheritance’. That’s her money. My dad has sadly passed away and he was the main breadwinner. Any money my mam has now is hers to try and enjoy and keep herself afloat. It’s not mine. If there’s nothing left when she passes then that’s fine. I (and my late father) would hate the thought of her working more hours at this stage of her life just to give us some more inheritance later.

Yep we did for many years every Christmas for my mil. Me and her didn't particularly have a great relationship and she definitely wasnt the kind of person to muck in, but I could never in a million years have left her on her own at Christmas.

Choosing not to have a partner is not "choosing not to move on" and this is what you said.

That’s a bit weird, since banking apps have been accepting images of cheques for several years now - certainly long before your two were born, so I’m really not sure why it was a problem. Feels like you are making up reasons why she annoys you now (though I am broadly sympathetic with the main point about not wanting her to stay over Xmas).

What about your family though? You’ve been asked several times why they don’t get a look in at Xmas but conspicuously not answered it.

OP you are getting a hard time here.
All those who have said you/your DH need to tell her to step up - SHE REFUSES TO WASH HER HANDS BEFORE HOLDING THE BABY!
She won’t even get herself a glass of water.
£700 for a taxi is insane imo. Could your DH drive her?
Crying when she doesn’t get her own way - dear God. You already have two young children to deal with. I think she does expect you to do everything for her - like she did for her late DH and your DH. But she was a SAHM, not working outside the home at all.
I am in my early 70s as well, I have every sympathy for you OP.

And just to add - we have visited MIL with DD and while pregnant, but DH doesn't drive, and of course we have lots of extra stuff with babies and toddlers. We fully intend to visit her next summer. She doesn't take care of her home, for example admitting she hadn't cleaned her bathroom for five years. When we arrive now we do a clean of the bathroom and kitchen just to make it hygienic.
MIL is v capable of cleaning. She spends 6.hours on her hands and knees gardening every day.
She just doesn't value cleaning the way we do. I think five years not cleaning your bathroom is pretty bad - and we did very very gently suggest once just getting someone to pop in to clean it a few times a year as it was in quite a bad state.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

it’s not your DHs inheritance until she dies, before that it’s her money to spend as she likes - what a disgusting attitude!