To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

She does sound tiring to host. It's strange that an able-bodied adult won't offer to help and can't even be asked for assistance or to tend to her own most basic needs (glass of water, making herself a sandwich) without taking offence. She's not acting like a member of the family. She should be helping lighten the load during her visits, and it's very odd that she can't see that.

Someone who would cry if you asked her to make herself a sandwich is not likely to take it well when you suggest skipping her visit at Christmas this year, but that's just life. If you and your husband feel it's the right thing to do, that's all there is to it. I'd say it comes down to either doing that or letting her come but firmly refusing to 'play host'/look after her (and dealing with her shock when she's asked to pitch in or at the very least fetch her own glass of water).

We've considered a CP type stay and have invited her to various places in the past but won't get trains or anything.
Her taxi driver she uses isn't very flexible, it's on his terms. We'll say please avoid 5pm as an arrival time as we'll have just finished work and have to get DD from nursery, but that's the time the taxi driver wants to come so we all have to wiggle everything to accommodate it.
Similarly I've cooked her a lovely hot meal but taxi driver arrived 30 min early to pick her up and she doesn't want to keep him waiting so doesn't eat the food.
She's too nervous to ask to use toilet so they don't stop on their 4 hour drive which means she arrives at 5pm hungry and thirsty. It's very much like having an extra child.

Op no one is saying that £700 on taxis isn’t a bit silly. It’s the fact that you said you want it for inheritance.

Then let her cry. Honestly OP, this is what it comes down to. I sympathise because I've got a difficult relationship with my own mother which is partly because when she visits, she treats me like a maid, so I avoid her and avoid visits as much as possible.

I spent my childhood playing the servant. It was my job to clean the house, to make drinks for people, to be sent to the shop if something was needed. She came to stay with us last Christmas. I was so stressed I couldn't sleep the week before. Within 10 minutes of arriving, she'd built herself a nest on the biggest sofa in the living room and only left it if there was food on the table. DS had to sleep on the floor because we don't have a spare room. She complained that his bed was uncomfortable. Complaining about stuff is her default mode.

She wouldn't even make herself a coffee, would just sit on the sofa huffing and sighing until someone asked her if she wanted anything. For four sodding days. So I get where you're coming from, I really do.

Unfortunately, the way through this is going to involve hurting her feelings. The thing is - that's ok. I know how hard this is. It's obvious that threatened mood swings/tantrums/tears are being used as a form of control. Has she been doing this to your DH for a long time?

You have to let them tantrum and sit with your own guilt. It will be ok. The trick is to prepare your responses in advance so you're not caught on the back foot and end up defaulting to doing what they want.

She'll also not eat or drink all morning before taxi to avoid having to ask to stop!
So both her and the taxi driver both ask to use the toilet when they arrive and she wants immediate feeding.

So it’s also her fault your adult husband can’t drive yet because she didn’t encourage him as a child? Do you hear yourself?

You say people are being horrible to you but are refusing to look at how you’re coming across. No I don’t think anyone here thinks spending 700 on taxis to visit you is “normal” etiquette or financially sound. I do think though we can all see no one would do that unless they had real, genuine debilitating struggles with anxiety and MH. It is therefore very cruel of you to view it as a waste of money you feel entitled to.

It’s not “a choice” to have to pay ridiculous amounts of money to accommodate your own disability. It is also not “a choice” to not have support because you didn’t accept a random dubious offer of marriage from god knows who after your DH died!!

You sound resentful as all hell.

I'm also curious as to how old mil is, and can never understand the hullabaloo re hosting one elderly family member for a few days.
Keep it simple, you make a drink for yourselves, offer mil one, no extra time involved; you cook a meal, plate an extra one, no extra time involved; it takes seconds to butter two slices of bread and add a couple of slices of turkey. Re the dgc you will be looking out for them if just the two of you, no change needed (mil isn't sticking sequins up dc nose and it could have happened if just you and dh were at home). Buy an extra present and get her to write the gift tag, very little effort on your part, you can pay yourself back from the monetary gift, who knows seeing dgc delight may make her decide to buy presents in the future. On the plus side re the taxi she'll be less likely to pick up a cold if not travelling on public transport.
If you don't want her there then fair play I get that, but own it. I think your looking for excuses and validation of your decision.

She sounds like she has very entrenched patterns of behaviour, and I expect, views this as a holiday with you waiting on her hand and foot. The rest of the time at home she has to fend for herself and is capable of doing so. Give yourself permission to feel frustrated and cross about it, but accept that is who she is and at least it’s infrequent. Your DH needs to do more.

Some grandparents are not natural grandparents and have forgotten what to do with a toddler. My parents and ILs were much the same. They also grew up at a time when money was short and have generally given us money rather than “waste” it on something we don’t like/won’t use.

I would dial back on the effort you put in to getting her thoughtful gifts and arranging birthday parties. I just got my son something small “from GPs” online or from supermarket/bookshop. If she isn’t seeing you often (for whatever reason) she won’t necessarily know what her GC are interested in/what they already have. I think it is easier if there are lots of DC & GC because you get more ideas.

Remember people used to say enjoy your money in your old age, you've deserved it. Now people get the hump about people spending their own money. I once read on here about someone complaining because their in-laws went on a cruise instead of funding a larger house for them because they saw the money as due to them.

😳 This is highly demanding MIL won’t even arrange her own taxis? What would happen if you simply didn’t book the taxi…🤔😆

I've obviously skipped the bit where you replied to the posters asking about your side of the family and what they do for Christmas

I don't think your MIL can win - after all when she gives you cash or a cheque you've had to go into town to pay it in,

I'm married to an only child whose FAther died 20+ years ago - up until her death we hosted Mil for Christmas every year ( and at a Easter and her birthday et ) for several days at a time . I didn't warm to her but I did my best as she use DH Mum, I was assisted though that my DF and DB and partner cane on Christmas Day and of course when DS arrived in the mix that changed the dynamic,

The only thiing I sympathise with is the sitting there and not helping herself to drinks etc or asking - she would sit there all day if you forgot to ask and when you did ask she'd go "oh i don't know " - apart from a sweet sherry or a small glass of wine with a special meal she didn't drink anything apart from tea and coffee and orange juice - I so up d usually ask everyone in the room and if she didn't answer even bc when prompted she got what I made eg s coffee. Once after she went "oh I don't know , what are you having?" I said " have what you would like" but she was still "oh what are you having" so I bc replied " vodka over ice " and that's what she got

You need a Christmas or two to yourself, so don’t go the hotel route this year. And you’re right, her spending silly amounts on taxis is just feeding her helplessness. Alternating is a good idea and maybe next year she could stay in a hotel. For what it’s worth, I doubt very much she’ll muck in even if you do have a good talk with her and when she fails, it will irritate you even more. I feel sorry for anyone who might spend Xmas alone but she has plenty of time to make plans if you do this now.

Yes; repellent and grasping attitude. ‘Technically’ me arse. If I were she, I’d be spending it like water.
But if the expectation of an inheritance is allowed to stand, then this whole thread is redundant, because ‘technically’ the least OP and family must do is welcome the MIL as standard, if only to maintain a bit of karmic equanimity.

I also flinched at the observation that MIL is somehow at fault for not having ‘moved on’ to a new partner. In another context this could be more generously construed, but in OP’s mouth it’s judgemental and disapproving (for very obvious reasons)

I’m of the mind that if MIL clearly isn’t going to head out to a friend for the big day, it’d be a loving act for this young family to have her, even though it seems like a trial. That irritation mightn’t outweigh the MIL’s sad isolation, and as others are saying, it’s not forever, and it might well be something that lifts a pretty flat existence.

Maybe some bright people here have experience in turning such visits into a more cheerful time all round; it might be possible OP, rather than going into it all firmly set for mutual displeasure.
Make her bedroom a really welcoming sanctuary, with thoughtful touches to make her feel special. Books, armchair, a small tv if you have one…all that Jazz. Boosting her pleasure might lift everyone’s mood, but it’d be lovely anyway, just as it is.
Talk to her soon about sharing the Christmas lunch cooking, perhaps? Surely she cooked as a wife and mother. She definitely be able for all the vegetables.
A Boxing Day lunch at a remote country pub which welcome infants?
An evening at the theatre with your husband?
An evening looking at slides/films of DH’s childhood might be jolly.
She sounds pretty passive, perhaps already having slipped into the anhedonia that often afflicts older people in these circs, but gentle encouragement to get out of the house would break up the visit for you.

(Or….is there anything you could do for her that’d be a tremendous treat over Christmas, once you’d explained frankly about wanting to be alone with the baby? That wonderful hotel in Buxton (or is it Harrogate) for the crucial days? Just something that’d be a real change, but without any pressure on her. For such a thing I’m sure she’d brave a train, once you’d organised ever inch of it)

This is very much what she's like.

And now we no longer have a spare room, we set up a sofa bed for her last weekend but she decided it was too low to the ground so slept on the sofa instead but you don't hear the end of it.

She can be extremely huffy and critical. DH and I work out bums off, but she'll criticise DH because his tracky bottoms weren't ironed because we were just taking the toddler to the park so didn't feel necessary.

You have a guest due to arrive and think it unorthodox and challenging that you should have some food ready and that they need to use the loo?

Do you fully hear yourself? I ask again - are you unwell?

Your husband sounds rather pathetic.
Doesn't drive, sits back and let's his wife host/tend to his mum, begrudges his mum travelling in a way she feels most comfortable - because he views it as his money? And won't let her do more often so she doesn't 'waste' more of it'. Will happily accept money from her though - but not a cheque, far too inconvenient.

Yeah sorry, i agree with this.

I would be trying to find a compromise that takes some of the load off you, but means she's not alone over Christmas. Is staying at at nearby hotel or air b&b and option? And could you suggest christmas dinner at a restaurant, perhaps which she could pay for as her gift?

Just explain you have your hands overly full with the kids and can't host this year. That you're all staying in pjs and watching films together in bed, and ordering in food when you get hungry.

YABU RE spending his inheritance and she has chosen not to move on and find a new partner (a perfectly legit choice and kind of horrible to suggest she's inconveniencing you by not tying herself to some random - and anyway if she did have a partner s/he'd probably be at yours on Christmas Day asking for glasses of water too). YANBU to say you're not actively hosting anyone (someone coming who will actually HELP you might be an exception) when your new baby's 12 weeks old and you have another small child. But the timing of Christmas and the baby's due date aren't new; the sooner the better for your husband to tell his mum not to come this year.

Well yes, people are zooming in on this as it was not a nice comment, and unfortunately struck a chord with many people.

It's difficult as your MIL lives so far away. DH used to drive the 1.1/2 hour journey to collect my DM to stay for Christmas etc and then drove her back again a couple of days later. He did these trips in one day but that would not be possible with the distance your DMIL lives and I don't think it's possible for your DH to drive stay over night and then drive back the next day it would be a very very big ask so taxi it appears to be.

I think you are going to have to put up with her crying and ask her to get her own drinks etc this year. Your DH is going to have to deal with his DM and he should have been doing this before now. Had he done this your MIL would now be "trained" and used to getting her own stuff.

Good luck

If this is even real then this is where it lost me.

To be honest if I were her and was aware that my DS and DIL just viewed me as walking inheritance then the local dogs or cats home might well be getting a futuristic windfall.

ETA I hope the pair of them are never given POA. It's enough to make me shudder.

I think you rightly find her hard work and difficult - she sounds it. But some of the things you find annoying are unreasonable. Her no longer wanting to drive - doesn’t impact your life, let her get taxis.

Giving money as gifts - so what? Your DD is 2, you’ve gotten her gifts? She doesn’t need something to open from DGM, it’s patronising that you buy extra. Just say nanny gave you some money so you can buy something from the shop! If she doesn’t understand, so what, she has your presents.

Being a SAHP to you means that her money is her husbands and therefore she’s not entitled to it, but your DH somehow is. Ridiculously unreasonable

Her giving cheques being mentioned, such a minor inconvenience

Her being worried if she doesn’t hear from you in a few days - well yes, you normally call her pretty much daily, so any change to that will worry someone

—-

However I can see that she is tough to spend time with, and you finding all those other things annoying is probably a symptom of her being a difficult person to be around, just pick your battles.

My DW nan was a bit of a nightmare, and when she was unwell and unable to get out on her own she expected a lot of my DW while not expecting anything off her other granddaughter, who was here to visit not to take her shopping! She saw that as DWs job even though we lived 2 hours away.

I think we just both found the humour in it. The ridiculousness of it all. When she demanded my DW take half a day off work and drive 3 hours to take her to curry’s because her washing machine is broken, and she didn’t like ordered online, only for her to be presented with a tablet in store and for her to pick a washing machine off of their online store!!! Just have to laugh. She died 6 months later and my DW is honestly just so grateful that she had spend all that time running after her, because she got a lot of quality time with her nan who had raised her and they were a lot closer.

Anyway, my point is, set boundaries but be kind, just accept her as she is, she’s not going to change but you shouldn’t take more than you can handle but since she’s sitting on a pile of your husbands inheritance you’re going to have to humor her lol

Most guests can wait an hour for proper food and be sustained during that time with tea and some biscuits - the implication here is that MIL cannot. You also don't generally expect people to arrive and urgently make a beeline for the loo, unless they are children/have other issues.

Honestly, some relationships aren’t worth valuing that highly. By all means, do what you want personal hygiene / food wise, but don’t leave used tissues around, get off your arse and help when you are a guest and your host is clearly busy, and clean the bathroom if you want people to visit. I have a similar MIL and we have cut ties - really harsh, but just not a hassle we need in our lives (also backstory between her and DH over the years). She’s a bloody adult OP and relationships are two-way and need nurturing. Part of that is her respecting and loving what’s dear to you in your space - her grandchild for a start. You don’t have to put up with this ridiculous behaviour. Tell your DH to grow a pair and manage the situation.