To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

It’s HER MONEY not your DH’s inheritance. I hope she heaves it all to the local Donkey sanctuary as you both sound selfish and vile. Counting her money before she has even passed away! Imagine this is you in years to come and your children don’t want you around.

You just dont like her! Fine... but none of the reasons you have given are huge personal insults
Her money can be spent how she likes
If she wants to pay for taxis- fine
When she is at your house you need to early state "Jean I cant host you, so please make yourself all the food and drink you like"
My MIL gets us random bits for presents, it is what it is and I dont judge her harshly for it!!

Most of what you've said is irrelevant to the question but ultimately if you don't want to invite her you don't have to. You don't need to manage her, wait on her or come up with strategies to get yourself through it. If you do invite her, stop doing everything for her. Literally, just stop. You've enough to be getting on with.

Are you really suggesting that getting her drinks is a full time job? Does DH not get himself a drink ever? It’s pretty easy to make one extra tea or coffee, or fill one extra glass of water.

As for meals, just add one extra in, no need to do anything different.

Do you ever look to the future and imagine how you’ll be treated, OP? Would you be happy if your children treated you this way?

I feel sorry for your MIL and your husband.

My MIL is utterly self-absorbed and selfish, too. I said this on another thread, but when I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer she told DH at least I could have chemotherapy and a double mastectomy - better than having her problem as she’d never find a cure (hay fever).

Nevertheless she’s here every Christmas. My DH loves his mother, and I love him and want him to be happy, so I’m happy to do my best to tolerate her and be kind to her. Accept your MIL for what she is, you won’t change her. It’s only for a few days. It’s not as though she’s a cruel person or unkind to the children. DH is her only child. Sometimes you have to grit your teeth for other people’s sakes. You can’t have it all your way.

She sounds lazy, entitled and pretty gross.
If she’s not even capable of fetching herself a glass of water and will put baby at risk by kissing them and not washing her hands that would be enough for me not to invite her.

What present can a baby like?

Maybe OPs parents are local? Maybe they stay for the full week but is completely fine because they are her parents?

This woman apparently has no confidence in herself and major anxiety. Is she depressed?View herself as very elderly and incapable? View making her own sandwich as rejection by her only family? How old is she? Think your DH needs to unpick some of this with her. And say to her that she’s family not a guest and it’s important to treat her that way.

You are wrong. Many , many people host with two ,three ,four small children.
Your MIL does sound rather annoying but you need to tell her what needs doing.

I understand she is probably draining and as I personally am a private person I wouldn't want her in my home for extended periods of time. I certainly wouldn't want to commit every Christmas to her. Where you have really lost me is the inheritance bit. It's not his inheritance until he actually inherits it. While she is alive it's hers to do what she likes with. You will be in for a rude awakening if when she dies she leaves it all to a cats home.

‘Sorry, MiL, but it’s just going to be too much to have guests when we have such little ones - with them it’s hard work anyway.’
Best coming from your dh!

she sounds like an annoying wet wipe

However, suck it up. Don’t wait on her. She fits in with what you’re doing and eating.

dont pander to her. Maybe she will get the message

As for cheques; you just scan it using your banking app

It’s tricky but I think you have to find a work round. Shorten her stay to 2 nights. Get a jug of water for the living room, put bottles of water and glasses in her room. Order in a sandwich platter for lunches. Directly ask her to do things that are in her capabilities like reading granddaughter a story whilst you change babies nappy.
With regards to the taxi - it’s currently her money and she could marry a 20 year old and DH would never see a penny. I think an expensive taxi once in a while is better than asking DS to pick her up.

It isn’t a week though is it? You said in your OP that she arrives 24th and departs 27th so arriving Christmas Eve, departing day after boxing day. An entirely standard family visit for distant family and only two full days. Unless DH is working shifts all through Christmas he is also there to share the cooking and cleaning and childcare load.

You really jumped the shark with these comments:
She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money

How she spends her money is none of your business, whether its taxis, fancy handbags or designer tech.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of mone

So SAHMs don’t work? Did she have a full time housekeeper, nanny, cook and cleaner? Honestly of all the sites I visit, most male dominated, its only MN where I so frequently see posters bashing SAHMs especially older SAHMs who have the cheek to spend their own money. Its not “DH’s inheritance” it is whatever resources were built up by the couple during their marriage. Its her money, not yours and your greed is disgusting.

She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH

How dare she have only one child and how dare she not remarry after widowhood (most widows don’t btw). What she obviously should have done was remarry someone rich to protect DH’s “inheritance” and have some siblings to spare you the trouble of any contact with her.

If you don’t want her there then don’t have her but don’t pretend your interest is anything other than utterly selfish with a sizeable side order of sexism.

Well that changes things. So it's a mental health problem rather than extreme laziness or 'entitlement'.

Very difficult situation for you OP. But she's not actually your mother - DH needs to take responsibility. It'll be extra hard for him if he's been indulged by Mum all his life, and never seen himself in a caring role in relation to her. But that's the situation he's in, like it or not.

I'd say you and him need to do some research about anxiety in older people, and all the other behaviours you've mentioned, so you know what you're dealing with. A lot of what you've described, such as lack of interest in DD, would make me think dementia's a possibility, but obviously you need more than the opinion of a MN poster to go by! You might have to start thinking longer term, rather than the immediate problem of what to do about Christmas.

YABU to use the term ‘in the trenches’. As with lots of things on MN, one person uses a wanky expression on a post and then everyone else copies

Have I missed something? I've skimmed through all the posts but haven't seen much mention of them.
What do your parents do at Christmas? Could you go to them this year?
Could you go somewhere else this year? That's what we did when we had exactly the same problem ourselves. (I can't say it was a resounding success as it was hard work with a baby, but it did break the pattern).

I'm sure you're wishing you'd never made that remark about inheritance, and I'm sure most of the horrid posts have NOT been sent by absolute saints who have never had a similar thought themselves. Time that was forgotten and ignored - it bas nothing to do with the post.

Trying to let your unreasonable attitudes about the taxis and the money and the moaning she never moved on go….

Don’t have her over Christmas, you deserve a lovely Christmas with just your family. I’d maybe offer her a much shorter visit - two days over new year or something around the Christmas period but get your DH to say that normally you are happy to host but things will be full on with a toddler and a baby and suggest a nice hotel near by so she can visit for shorter stints and there’s less hosting involved

How old is she? Does she have mobility problems? She is being very unreasonable to expect to be waited on hand and foot when you have two young children, one of which is a small baby. Her behaviour with your DD isn't great either. Is she really as helpless as she seems or is this strategic incompetence so that she doesn't have to help with anything, including the children?

What is your family like? Do you ever spend Christmas with them?

I've not said she's obliged to do so. But of course it has meant she is far more dependent on us than most grandparents. She's early 70s, she's not super elderly.
As I've already said, if we don't call for a couple of days she gets very annoyed or anxious.
She doesn't contribute to the conversation, we have to ask her all the questions and keep it going. But we do it anyway.
She can make DH feel very guilty often because she is needy of him. I came to the conclusion years ago that she won't be here forever hence us bending over backwards.

For some reason people have decided we are horrible people. Horrible people don't endlessly host relatives, call them everyday or plan massive surprise birthday parties for their MIL.
I'm endlessly the other end of the line for her, endlessly sending her photos and updates and all sorts. So the idea that I'm somehow excluding her from the family is ridiculous.

TBH I wouldn’t put any of her behaviour down to anxiety or depression. I don’t know why people so often blame A&D for so many things that are often just laziness or selfishness.. I dare say she takes a taxi because it’s the easiest way and she can afford it!

And she’s been used to being waited on - someone needs to ask her to help now and now, e.g. lay the table, take the dirty plates out. She’s evidently not going to exert herself otherwise.

I had a very dear older relative who never lifted a finger and expected to be waited on.... however the difference was she was great company. She was kind, interested in you, loving and chatty. So whilst we used to roll our eyes at being asked to fetch endless cups of tea, we actually didn't mind. With my mil, she expects to be waited on, but she's actually not great company and is very hard work to chat to, which makes the running round after her just feel miserable. I get the feeling the op may feel similar about this.

Mumsnet gets so pious about people expecting or even wanting any inheritance. Sounds like it isn't her "hard-earned" money but rather money left by her husband and maybe other ancestors, OP and husband aren't nasty for thinking some family money should be left for future generations!
Of course £700 taxis are a waste of money.

She sounds like a PITA but I don't think you can leave her alone, set your boundaries and expectations and she may get over it one day.

That's hard, OP. Sympathies.
I have an elderly narcissistic abusive mother, I'm an only child as well and moving to another country has helped A BIT.
💐